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Thread: he won't, can't, doesn't communicate - its killing me

  1. #11
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    He does know how to communicate- you're just defining communicate very narrowly as in "communicate about the relationship." I can see where he can feel suffocated and not want to talk if you are constantly wanting to talk about The Relationship instead of having a relationship. Maybe you should consider changing your style of communication from "when I want to talk about the relationship then you need to respond" to lightening up and letting up a bit on the Relationship Talk and if you do choose to talk about it be very specific as in "last night when you didn't introduce me as your girlfriend I felt hurt." etc.

    If he doesn't express his feelings enough for you, that might mean you don't have compatible communication styles but not that he "doesn't" or 'can't" communicate.

    Looking at it from that perspective might help you approach this more productively.

  2. #12
    Member bopina's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Batya33
    He does know how to communicate- you're just defining communicate very narrowly as in "communicate about the relationship." I can see where he can feel suffocated and not want to talk if you are constantly wanting to talk about The Relationship instead of having a relationship. Maybe you should consider changing your style of communication from "when I want to talk about the relationship then you need to respond" to lightening up and letting up a bit on the Relationship Talk and if you do choose to talk about it be very specific as in "last night when you didn't introduce me as your girlfriend I felt hurt." etc.

    If he doesn't express his feelings enough for you, that might mean you don't have compatible communication styles but not that he "doesn't" or 'can't" communicate.

    Looking at it from that perspective might help you approach this more productively.
    this is probably the most helpful bit of info I've come accross after hours of googling "he wont talk to me!"... I've been with my boyfriend for four years... and after feeling like we've been doing nothing but continue to unravel for the last year or so... it actually surprises me now that it's only been within the last few weeks that I finally accepted the fact that it could very well be true that I am too pushy.. or pry all the time.. or constantly nag... (he tells me he avoids me most of the time because I'm miserable and do nothing but nag)... I tried to justify the hurt feelings his rejections cause me by turning it around on him... quick to say he's selfish and just doesn't love me enough to work on this anymore... but I'm realizing now that even though he is a huge butthole... he's always been that way... It's me who somewhere down the line decided that I suddenly wanted him to be more compassionate and openly affectionate... he's always been that way! and it never bothered me before... so what's my problem now? I guess at some point I hit a place where I felt like I was becoming more serious about "US"... and was afraid that he was happy with his seemingly "casual" attitude towards things. I often feel like he's not quite as serious as I am about things... which now makes me realize that is one of the reasons I fell so hard for him... he was always so calm and relaxed... he never got worked up or made an attempt to fight back at me in the early days.. he would always just listen and offer a shoulder to cry on.. I guess I was being emotionally selfish.. I will make it a point to at least let him know that I still love him and always have and always will love him for exactly what he is... and I will definitely make a better attempt to not always need to talk "about the relationship"... I am ready to get back to just enjoying my lover... =)

  3. #13
    Originally Posted by bopina
    this is probably the most helpful bit of info I've come accross after hours of googling "he wont talk to me!"...
    wow this is awesome! i was thinking the same thing when i saw "batya33"'s post! and then reading through what u said, its like ur talking about me.. AND the same line of reasoning i used to explain to myself whats goin on lol

    he never says anything.. well, except for what I want for dinner or where i wana go for breakfast! I'm not complaining, i love him for it, but he just NEVER says anything about us.. makes it seem like I'm just a fling and that he's not as serious about the relationship.. like I'm just another girl who has no special place in his life.. I dont know how to explain it, it sounds ridiculous writing it down, but it gets to me that he never talks about "us" or tells me that I mean something to him... he does say "i love u" from time to time, but rarely.

    I realized too that he's always been this way since the beginning.. and when it started to feel more serious I was expecting him to say stuff.. he did change a lot (good change) and one time he said that we have different ways in expressing ourselves, and that its not fair that I wont let him be who he is.. I felt so bad!!!.. but I still cant help it sometimes coz his "body language" gives all sorts of mixed signals.. sometimes he's so good to me and other times it feels like he's trying to push me out of his life or he completely ignores me.. I guess I'm just afraid he's only staying with me coz he wants me to be the one who leaves.. some people do that to avoid confrontation so they wont be the "bad guy".... it would help a lot if he would talk instead of acting like everything's alright when its not!

    it could also be all inside my screwed up head tho.. (he says I think too much !! ) I just wish he would put some effort to meet me half way!

    we live together, but he's inaccessible 24/7... works long hours, then watches tv, then goes to bed.. i feel like part of the household, not a person sharing a place with him.. i've been bottling up for a long time so I started to bring things up just to get it out of my system and let things go, but If I try to talk to him after he gets home, he gets angry saying he's so tired.. I dont mean to be like this, but who am I supposed to tell? our neighbours?? Im not sure anymore what to do.. If i dont say anything, it shows that im angry, but he never bothers to ask me whats wrong.. and if i say something he gets angry at me that he's tired all the time (even on his off days). I feel too scared to say anything, when he hurts me i just leave the room (or go for a walk) to cry my eyes out then go back home and pretend everything's alright! its so exhausting... If I was insensitive and had no dignity, I wouldn't have to say anything when he disrespects or hurts me! and life would've been so easy!

    I love him the way he is, I dont want him to change.. communication is not part of a personality, its a skill.. My communication style used to be "whatever" then avoid the person.. but im working on it.. I almost want to delete this and not post it.. I mean who cares.. I was feeling good when i started writing it,, then after reading what I wrote those feelings started to come back.. I guess im just old and bitter lol I read so much on this topic, but nothing seems helpful ... if its a fling then whatever.. its not like i've never had my heart broken before, I can take another... so just enjoy my time with him, and be ready for it to be over

  4. #14
    solita's Avatar
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    I So Understand

    :sneakiness:

    [B] [B]As trite as it sounds, "You sound JUST like me."

    My 'life partner' threw me out a couple weeks ago BOOM, like that with no conclusive dyad, whatever you want to call it, planning, before. Now post fact he's silent towards me. He last, still claims he loves me, always has and originally. Too he has a well established drinking habit and he's shut down and emotionally repressed. I'm almost too open, I know that. I'm accepting and a wide open partial listener. Yet again, despite fact he shucked me away, I've expressed feelings to him now, and about how isolated and alone I had felt while living with him. SILENCE. Encore; SILENCE. I'm a private person myself and I quite respect that right in everyone. I'm not talking about prying or asking things that are uncalled for or "personal". This guy was SHUT DOWN. Why? It was like he'd come home still caught up in his dryer cycle obliviousness, and like he'd forgotten about us at home all those hours- and was still caught up in his own time warp. "Well," he'd eye me, "maybe there's nothing to say." But see...doesn't that work both ways? Wouldn't I then have nothing to fuel my curiosity and attentiveness on? I just wanted a connection. I needed it. I told him this. I would ask him how his day was, you know, the housewife all day at home questions. I got none back. Hurt so much I quit asking.

    TV dinners; artificial sweeteners; bottomless cocktails 7 days a week are not exactly good for the body or soul. I couldv'e "helped" him but this wasn't desired, nor did he want to improve the quality of my own life. I'm an as of yet unpublished author. He never asked me what it was I was so avidly working on. He'd cuss at me, stifle my emotional self expression (it was "drama") and I was disallowed from expressing any kind of pain. How was my health? He never asked. Silence is not only painful and scary but can perceived as being a deliberate weapon by a partner who does not know why their mate is being pervasively mum. A few occasions I'd come out to a house all dark now, all silent and the bedroom door closed. Did he go out to the bar? Did I do something so wrong? I'd have a knot in my stomach, scenes like this were very stressful for me. And of course he never turned out to talk about anything or grievance or explain.

    So, a few days ago he states he hopes we can get back together. Okay. On what? With what? When my reply is another heartfelt naive statement of my concerns and what I need for that to happen, I get ignored completely. Also he's not called or made any other communication attempt. He's stated a while back "I guess I don't understand you." SO TRY! Gee, isn't that how we learn, by seeking? ASK! TRY to understand your partner, otherwise how can they be your partner? Its like, "I'm right here next to you, holding your ice cold hand from your drink, let's advantage eachother while we have one another, make our lives better," but he never did get it; just picked up his over used oversized Big Gulp cocktail again. And then men wonder why they're not getting the sex, or are angry its not the way it was. Well, if the "connection" is faulty and a woman isn't getting the other things SHE needs how can there be SEXUAL intimacy or even physical, much less a passionate smooch?

    I was unable to resolve our obviously grating, stressful issues with him. And I can relate to the women who experience the same rout, they can't get the openness going, their guy gets angry, refuses, shuts down or hibernates. Now what then? I can't go back with him. I do love him, he was good to me and he's a good man and he loves me, but there's no real glue anymore to keep us solid. And he could call it quits again; what then of me? Partnerless, loveless again? May as well stay separated. I need stability as much as the Love of My Life; please. Yet, if I'm living in the dark with my mate, I can't remain there; I knew it before I left and it was already too tragic then just pondering it. I'll have to lose everything I've built up with him, our home, pets, possessions; hopes, plans. I've lost BIG TIME. And I'm starting again at Ground Zero. I'm scared but I know I'll make it. I have to, is why. He's not very perceptive or aware; duh. Surely I must be hurting...But no calls, no email, no replies. I'm hurting real bad. When I think about "Us" I'm sick to my stomach, I'm sick about everything that didn't have to happen but may have had to for all I don't know.

    There were many times his insensitivity made me actually sick from the anxiety because I knew he wasn't in the same Glasnostic boat. (Sorry, I use big words.) Then after answering my plaintive request for feedback as to what did he want to do about us then, he'd walk out. Not very loving or committed the answer; no affection or empathy and I was the one who had come from the emergency room doctor, not him. If I expressed pain it was "drama" and I was basically told to shut the hatch. Understanding? In all the 2.5 years we stuck and played it out definitively I got scant, and no, I obviously did not feel understood or unconditionally accepted.

    I was "fed up" too 'tho I keep myself from that verbatim, thinking I sound intolerant; but after him calling me B^^^^H and other cussing situations at me, I kept fighting my own confused wisdom should I stay. I'll forgive; that's not a problem but SHOULD I have stayed being that...Well, I did. And there were more instances of sickening adrenaline. I don't fight. But who likes being cursed at, verbally jumped, on in lieu of having your friend kindly ask, check in with you because who knows, maybe you were thinking of something TOTALLY different- or something was wrong. He had no patience or empathy, no deliberate thoughtful insight, on too many occasions.

    He told me to "kiss his A **" once. I went in the other room and cried alone- of course. He recanted and told me he didn't want me to go, after all. Another 1.5 years with him drifted by...

    I knew he had a gripe or two about me, we all do about someone. You'd think. But he never broached any subject. He was tense and unhappy. I knew I could've claimed a small portion of that cause. Still, he went about mum. I'm not psychic, I'm not a mind reader but highly empathetic and I FEEL someone's moods and too much too often I simply, awfully "know".

    So...what I'm also saying here in response to other posts is I can actually do limited to clear the issues, and revolutionize the relshp for the reason it takes two to Tango. One can accept the one they love as much as they can forgive but self sacrifice is not so do-able, and its certainly not painless. One person cannot resolve the issues but depend on the other to make the progress. I can't do it without him. And I can't coexist with silence and feeling the only person I can "talk to" I have to actually pay. I need "How was your day?" "So, what's up, what did you sell today?" "What are you writing, of COURSE you'll get published somehow, you have alot to give to people." "By the way I'm having alot of stress, and I really need your love." Either my expectations are too high or there's something wrong with ME if he doesn't think to perk up enough to say the equivalent of the above.

    He wasn't happy with me because he wasn't happy with his life. I failed somewhere but he was too kind to confront me even in a loving manner on it. He wasn't happy with me, that's why he eschewed me. And I'm not sure I'm wise enough to go back to a relshp that honestly, evidences no proof of solid optimism.

    Even if you love him and he loves you, you have to decide if its worth hanging in on "spec" for, or turning in circles over. It would still be time spent off of the remaining years of my life, I know that for my own self.
    Last edited by solita; 04-22-2015 at 11:06 PM.

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  6. #15
    Super Moderator Capricorn3's Avatar
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    Thread is 12 years old and the OP has never returned. Thread closed.

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