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Thread: he won't, can't, doesn't communicate - its killing me

  1. #1
    Join Date
    May 2003
    ottawa, ontario

    he won't, can't, doesn't communicate - its killing me

    this is so frustrating. he is a beautiful man. and a beautiful friend. and a beautiful lover. there are so many things i admire in him. sometimes he makes me so proud.

    but he won't talk about the relationship. he is such an avoider. we will hit a glitch and i try to engage him and draw him out but he gets that "deer in the headlights" look and i know he's visiting the moon. he nods and yesses me when i try to have these conversations. he understands. but 2 days later he does the exact same thing and when i say "babe, remember we talked about this?" its deer in the headlights and more nodding. it frustrates me to no end. because i love him so much. and when everything is ok - there's nowhere on earth i would rather be. but any problems we have, he tries to ignore and avoid. or he tells me he needs to think about it. he'll get back to me. i wait and wait and then bring it up again and we're back to deer in the headlights. so it finally pushes me to a point where i blow up, explode, start screaming and yelling. and he hates screaming. he is soo not confrontational. and thats something i admire in him. but i just get so frustrated that i can't help yelling. and then because i am so angry, i threaten and throw out last monday nigth, i told him to leave. we spoke on the phone on tuesday night and said we were sorry and that we really love each other and we are going to try to deal with this.

    but he is at his friends house. cuz he needs to think. and he needs some time. to think. and he'll get back to me on what he's thinking about. and that sounds so much like every other time that i feel like i am going to blow again. and i feel like if he had of done any thinking on any one of the million other times that he was "thinking" then we wouldn<t be in this mess.

    i feel so frustrated. and i am not confident that this will work any better than any other time. i feel like he will come back and everything will be great for a week or 2 but then something will happened that we need to address and he will start the deer in the headlights thing again.

    he says he will go to counselling but i am not sure what kind of counselling we need because based on our previous conversations we both feel threatened by each other, we both feel the other is in control and we are both very sensitive to each other and misinterpret each other all the time.

    does anybody have any advice, suggestions, comments, opinionsabout this?......any ideas on what i am supposed to do with myself while he is off "thinking"? thanks so much.......

  2. #2
    Join Date
    May 2003




  3. #3
    Join Date
    Jan 2003
    Hi stassja,

    First of all welcome to and thank you for coming to us for seeking advice. I am sorry to hear that things aren't going the way you had them planned. I understand that you boyfriend is doing the 'deer in the headlights' thing a lot to you.

    The truth is that guys very often don't know how to communicate. They hide there true feelings, because they feel it makes them weak. Of course there are many exceptions on this rule, but the rule still stands. Women are much more sensitive and would like to communicate so more often.

    Is there any chance on improvement? May be, but it takes a lot of patience and hard work. In the first place your b/f must be willing to make that change. You cannot change him, he has to do it himself and start to be more open to you. It starts with him admitting that he doesn't communicate very well. If he doesn't admit it, then it works like an addiction: he is in the 'denial state'.

    Knowing that, I would suggest you the following: decide if you are really happy in this relationship and if this lack of communication is in your way. The truth is that you will have to accept this guy as he is and respect his personality. You can only influence him, but not change him.

    I hope that this helps you in making the right decision that works for you and I wish you good luck in your future.

    ~ SwingFox ~

  4. #4
    Join Date
    May 2003
    8 least you two fight...

    for us....we just kept quiet and talk only if necessary...then no more intimacy since we act more like friends then lovers...then now we split..

  5. #5
    Join Date
    May 2003
    well, i think i am in sort of such a situation as well.
    and futhermore, as if you all know, i am still actively waiting for my answer from his 'thinking' for another 3 weeks.
    I am beginning to find out what i really want in life, but of course that includes him.. hopefully

    I think the main thing in a miscommunication, is that you listen.
    Encourage him by prompting his thoughts.
    Probably when he says that 'i don't like this'
    You could probably answer like 'is it because it is ugly?' or like 'will this other one be better?'

    I think these kind of questions are not 'attacking' questions which are probably affecting how he communicate. Instead, try more passive questions which subtly encourage him to open up more and probably with patience, he would feel more comfortable communicating on a more personal level

    Good luck and wish me luck too!! as i practice what i learnt.. hopefully there would be a second chance for me.
    All the best!!


  6. #6
    Join Date
    Jun 2003

    Same boat here

    Hi there,

    Your situation is the same as mine. Last night, I could not take it anymore. I am not the confrontational type, but called on my g/f what is going on with you? We never speak anymore, we are not intimate anymore, and I am at the point of being scared in appraoching her as she "has nothing to say." Last night, she said she "needs to sort her feelings out about us." I asked what are you feeling, and she said she didn't know. I told her, that in order for us to go on, we need to communicate. Dialogue is imperative, rather it is good or bad, especially if you live with the person.

    Personally, I am going to wait it out for a week or two. After this long (4 years) I feel there is nothing that we need to hide from one another and that if we are not open w/ one another, what will the future hold. I think that is what you need to look at, your future. Will this get better, worse, or stay the same........

    IM me if you wish to speak further.

  7. #7
    Join Date
    May 2003
    well, he called me on friday the 13th and told me that he wants to call it off, despite him telling me to give him till the 25th. I asked him why and he said because his friends told him not to drag it on.

    I am pissed off and i told him that i wanted to work things out. He could just bang the phone down on me and ignored me for now... 4 days?

    well, i think he is all out to avoid me and any way. I dunno what to do. but just find him a coward. He can have the guts to say break off, and yet doesn't have the guts to face it. I would probably go to the airport to look him up then.. should i?

  8. #8
    Join Date
    Jun 2003

    I hear ya

    My boyfriend is the same. except i don't yell back. it is hard for me to talk about things to, but i always think i am the only one bringing anything up.

    we've been dating 2 years and he's never gotten mad at me. the other day i started asking him about our relationship and where he sees things and said i was just checking in to see if we are on the same page....and all he did was start kissing me, but didn't give any comment.

    it makes me feel like i am a nut case for always being the only one to bring up stuff. i can't tell if we will ever be on the same page and if we will ever be able to communicate openly. it hurts me b/c i feel like i can't express myself to him b/c he doesn't do it for me.

  9. #9
    Member sonjam's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2003

    I have the same problem, we have been together for a year, we never fight, and make love (nowadays) maybe once a week. When I ask why he never says he loves me - he says he shows me. Like hell he does. He does nothing special, no flowers, no doors, we always goes 50/50 on all bills. I pay rent to stay with him (it's his house) and I have to buy the food. (all the food and toiletries). When I tell him I love him, he says "me too" I'm beginning to think he means he loves himself too.....

  10. #10
    Join Date
    Apr 2008

    Unhappy I'm in the same communication boat & about to jump OUT!

    Hi....I'm new here and just read this thread. I know how all of you feel. I've been going with my b/f for three years now. I'm not a 'spring chicken', but am a very young 64. My guy is also a young 78 (sounds old huh?), but he's NOT a good communicator either. He's not the 'deer in the headlights' thing, but more of an avoider with his head in the sand......hoping it will just go away or I'll forget about whatever the problem was. Yes, it drives me nuts sometimes too. He's a very good 'double talker' as I call it. He can talk in circles until you don't even know what you said in the first place. We've had a very close, intimate relationship and have had some very good, sweet, close and wonderful times together. I've laughed with him more than anyone at any time.....he's my ex-brother-in-law. I was married to his brother for 26 years.....since I was 14, so I've known him for years.

    But, I'm getting SO fed up with his lack of communication that I'm about ready to call it quits. I've broken it off several times over the past 3 years and he broke it off once. He later said he didn't know why he did it and wanted us to get back together. But, on top on not communicating well, he is what I call a 'yes man'. He will agree with ANYTHING I say.....then I can find out later he din't want that at all. I've tried to ask him to just TELL me what he REALLY thinks.....give me his opinion....and so on. It doesn't work.....he just agrees.

    Do a lot of men do this? This drives me nuts too because I have NO way of reading his mind. It sort of came to a head for me the other day when we decided we need to not eat out as much because of the price of things going up so much. So, as I have before, I was going to make us dinner at his house. We went to the grocery store together, I got all the ingredients I had on my list to make a very nice, simple dinner. He just went along, said nothing, we had a good time.......and so on.

    Then he began acting sort of 'strange' when we got back home and I was fixing dinner. I asked him "are you tired?" "No" he says. To make this story shorter, he did NOT WANT the dinner......he just wanted a simple sandwhich or soup and sandwhich. AARRGGHHH!!! Now WHY couldn't he have TOLD me that before we went to the store, I cooked, and went through all that??? I lost my yelling.....just go so frustrated that I didn't even take any of the food home with me, mailed the 1/2 of it he gave me back to him with no note.....just mailed it back. I'm beginning to think I need to do something, go someplace.........something to expand my social network. I've given almost ALL my time to him these last 3 years. I've neglected friends, family, grandkids, any kind of other social life.....but that's MY fault, not his. I shouldn't have done that......but he always had things for us to do and places for us to go. Plus we workout together 3 times a week at the we always had things to do.

    This is going to be VERY, VERY hard because he's almost ALL I've done for THREE years. I guess I'm 'afraid' .....afraid I'll never love again, never meet anyone without comparing them to him, not have anyone to go places with, be lonely (I live alone), not know how to make new friends........all sorts of things. Plus, even though we have broken up several times over these 3 years, we've both admitted that we seem to be drawn back to each other like magnets.....we just can't seem to stay away from each other.

    Sorry this is so long....but it helps to write it down. I really DO love him VERY much......but I'm beginning to think maybe I'm just ADDICTED to him. I don't know what to do with myself. Here it is a VERY beautiful Sunday (almost 70 degrees outside) and here I am on the computer. We would have went to the park, a drive down the river road......been together.

    I feel lost, but still feel I need to make this decision or NOTHING is going to change.

    Thanks for listening (or reading). I'm glad I found this site.....I may need some support if I make this decision final. Any feedback would be helpful to me.


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