I Hate Myself and I Wanna Die!!!

Hello I hope all the people out there who have been hurted by people like me don't hate me because of what I've done. Believe me I hate myself enough for you and me.

Last month I broke up with my girlfriend whom which I had been for two years and three months. Everything came down so fast and I became a very bad person. At a point I started not caring about her and having my own life and all she did was give me everything I needed. After we broke up she went her way and I went my way. At the beginning I didn't realize all the shit I had given to her and the way I had hurt her feelings because at the moment I had a lot of things going down in my life and I couldn't see things straight but now I've made an introspective and for one month and a half I have been everything I disliked from the new me and I changed every part of me that used to hurt her and discovered the original part of me that has always loved her up to the point of asking her to marry me a year ago. Now I come to her trying to make it up to her and showing her the new me, but eventhough I give my whole to her the only thing I receive is frustration and failure because now I know that I have lost her and this is too much for me. We had a fight like this before and she gave me a oportunitty but still I messed it up because I hadn't realize the things like I have now but now she isn't willing to risk it one more time eventhough we had something nobody else has. Who could blame her right? But the thing is that this is destroying me, because I cannot find a way to forgive myself for doing this to her, to me and to out relationship. I've changed my whole life but I realize it's TOO late!!!

The only thing left is to find the way to forget about her, just like she has done with me, that way I don't feel the way I am feeling, I just can't live like this. It's killing me little by little, and it's bad enough to know what I did, but it's worse to have to live exactly the things that I did to her but through me, because eventhough she doesn't realize that she is doing the exact same thing I did to her two months ago to me now! And I just don't know what to do, I know some of the people here are suffering because of guys like me, but believe me at some point we realize what we did and we pay what we did to you only we also pay interests for having done those things. I just want to be back with her or die.

Thanks in advance for having read this, it's really important for me.

first of all, soulripper, welcome to enotalone.com. it is good that u have found that monster in u and tried to destroy it. it takes a brave man to even admit that he has these problems, and it takes an incredibly brave man to do something about it. You are a better man then u realize for having the strength to change. but in every relationship there is a point of no return, and once passed, ur *beep*ed. as much as i wish i could tell u that u will get back, i cant. but just because you two will probably not get back together, doesnt mean u cant be her friend. everyone needs friends. and it will help you out somewhere down the road that u can turn to her when u need it most. my advice, keep an eye out for another girl who has that magical effect on you. it may seem that u will never find a girl who had the same effect, you will find one eventually. trust me on this, as one repented guy to another. i know what its like. good luck, and if u ever need someone to talk to, messege me

There is no reason for you to die, although I understand why you feel that way. Life is not the easiest to live when you realize you've hurt someone. But you can't beat yourself up for this.

Have you apologized to her? If you have, that's all you can really do.

It may not seem like it now, but life does go on my friend. We all make mistakes, and the first thing to do is acknowledge them. You have succeeded in this area and I congradulate you for that.

Keep on going, just have it set in your mind that the woman you are with in the future needs to be treated with more respect.

Don't keep dwelling on her, if she is not giving you a chance then I would suggest you move on, just as she is. And whatever you do, don't keep begging, that will drive her insaine!

Everything will work out in the end. Just remember, life goes on and (believe it or not) things could get worse.