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I have been in a relationship for over 5 years with a wonderful woman.

We are compatible in many ways and we love each other very much.

Almost 2 years ago, she started law school in the washington dc. We were

separated for a semester until I finished with my graduate work- we then

moved our household to the east coast. I have taken alot of the

logistical duties of the house, buying groceries, paying bills, laundry

etc. Don't get me wrong, she has been splitting rent, and will

occasionally pay for meals and movies and she does do the housework.

Admittedly, I won't let her at times since she has less money that I

do. Since the move over a year and 1/2 ago, things have been up and

down. I understand law school is a life changing event. She is stressed

out alot. I try to comfort her and pay attention to her needs. I know I

am not perfect. I have my own issues that I have to deal with.

I have seen a change in her, she's a little more selfish, a little more

demanding... She has been in therapy since she started law school-

although I see her as more assertive, it seems that since therapy has

started she also been more impatient with my behavior. I have noticed that she has been sadder since she started therapy than before she started school.

It seems that

whenever her school work gets very demanding, she focuses all of her

anxiety to us. She has been very sad lately about her performance at school, the pressures have been weighing her down. And that in turn weighs me down. Whenever she gets sad about things, I feel like the ax is going to fall. She has said a couple of times that our relationship

wasn't working out and threatened to break it off. She said that she has

been having problems with committment. That she was tired of working in

the relationship. She also said that I have been critical and

insensitive to her needs. That has hurt me beyond belief. I have been

working hard to improve my negative behavior. She knows through my words and actions that I am there for her.

Since that time she has said that she felt that she couldn't go on, I've been

walking on egg shells, I have realized that this relationship can end at

any time and that terrifies me. She is the love of my life. I want this

realtionship to work. I want her to work more on this relationship. But

she focuses all her energy in law school and I feel that she doesn't

have enough for us. I feel beaten down, no matter what I do, I feel inadequate.

We've agreed to talk to a couples counselor but I hope this isn't too late.

I want to bring these issues to the table but I am

afraid of what will say. I don't want to be hurt anymore. Any advice

you can give me will be appreciated. thanks

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Well let me say this.. You may change the way you are and the way you behave, but that isn't going to help the relationship unless she changes her way of life also. I can understand that she has a lot on her with school, especially law school. All you can really do is be there for her and I know its probably hard because of the way she treats you, but just understand that she probably needs you way more than you think right now. You seem to love this girl a lot, and if thats the case, stand by her. I believe that you need to tell your feelings to her, and explain to her how you feel when she treats you badly. Be open with her. Communication is the key to relationships of all kinds.

 

Good Luck

~Jenn

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...law school AND therapy??

 

Therapy and therapists get a bad rap, and sometimes it's deserved. But true therapy is NOT something that should be attempted while undergoing the stress of a degree program at any competitive university. It will shred a person into little bits.

 

Therapy changes a person's relationship with themselves and everything around them, including other people. And when we are close to a person engaged in this level of self discovery, it FORCES us to go to the same depth of self understanding, or bail out of the experience.

 

There is NO ACCIDENT about who couples up and who sticks together for longer than 90 days. We are each other's angels, and we meet when it is time for something important to learn about ourselves.

 

Real love is a very scary thing because either party can pull the plug on the physical relationship at any time for ANY reason. Love requires that we let go and honor our beloved's journey.

 

As long as this woman is in therapy, she won't be stable enough to have an LTR with. If stability was what you were looking for or thinking that you needed, guess what? You have a perceptual deficit in need of attention and repair. There is NO WAY IN HELL that a person who CHOOSES stability in their life would choose to be with someone who is in therapy and wants to get a law degree.

 

Wanting is one thing, and it's easy enough to achieve -- simply demand that the impossible be possible and you will WANT for alot of things.

 

But choosing is a bit more difficult because it involves acceptance of the situation as it exists, and then taking action steps to prepare one's self for actually obtaining what one is choosing to have in their life.

 

Take responsibility for your choices up to this point in time and realize that you are precisely where you have chosen to be.

 

Now, what do you want to do about it?

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