help, very long

Hi, I am new here and have visited many boards, and have to say, this is the one that I have joined b/c of the heartfelt responses (and honest ones too)!

I have been divorced since Feb 12, 2003. I was married for 5 1/2 years, together total of 11.

My ex and I have never had a "perfect" relationship, but I honestly thought we were ment to be together forever. I thought that through all the bad times and arguments, our love was still there. I thought wrong.

Two years ago my ex started his own business on the side. He had moderate success at it and I thought he was finally happy, doing what he had always wanted to do (he use to go from job to job, alway provided and never umemployed). In Sept he quit his day job to do his own business full time. He was away more than ever. I tried to plan vacations, he couldn't go b/c a contract had to be completed (he owns his own welding business).

I realized that we (me and our 5 year old boy) were never getting to spend time with him, but I thought once things calmed down, it would be better. It was his dream and I was going to support him in it, make sacrafices. I tried even harder to make us reconnect. I took him to Vegas for his 30 birthday, started being nicer to him (I can be very mean and belittling when we fight) and trying to be a better wife.

In late November, I called him one night to find out when he was going to be home and he said he really didn't want to come. He didn't know if he loved me anymore. HOLY CRAP!!!! I said, "fine, you are increadibley selfish, I have tried and sacrificed for us, and this is what I get, goodbye". I was blown over, not the correct thing to say to him, but I was really mad.

He came home the next day and said things just weren't right between us anymore. He loved me, but did not think he was inlove with me. I realized at this time that it was a bigger problem than I had thought and began to panic. I said maybe we should take some time and think about things. He agreed.

He was staying at his shop for a couple of weeks and we spoke daily and even had sex, I guess I figured he would get over it and come home soon enought.

Then...................

I had my work Christmas party in early Dec and when to find him b/c I missed him. His truck was at the bar, but he wasn't . I was finally able to get ahold of him on his cell phone and some girl answered! She said that my ex didn't love me anymore and wanted a divorce. I freaked out and went to that bar. She appoligized saying she thought that we had already separated and she was just his friend.

He came home the next day and he said that he was sorry, but he could not live with me anymore. I was on my hands and knees crying and begging him to stay, but he still left. He said he needed space.

We continued to speak on the phone everyday and I tried to set a "date" with him but he kept on saying I was pushing him. I know I was, but I was so scared to let go!

I went to work on Monday and checked his cell phone bill and realized that he had been speaking to this girl he met in the bar for over a month! He told her that he was separated and that he was not living in the house (lie).

He said that he did it b/c he knew things were bad between us and he wanted to see how he would react to another women, if he loved me, he would not have feelings for her.

Anyways, we started counceling and he promised to give up this "friend". Only to find out through cell phone bills again he hadn't. When I would confront him on it he said that she was the only one he could talk to (he doesn't have any friends or family that count). You see, she has been divorces twice and she listened to him. I know now he was using her, but she ended up falling in love with him. She is TROUBLE!

So, we are going to couceling, having beautiful sex, dating and one afternoon I am on my way home and I saw his truck in a local bar parking lot. His friend had told me he went home to go to sleep when I called earlier.

I went into the parking lot and her car was there too! He happened to be outside when I got there, he said he was getting his check book b/c she showed up, so he was leaving.

We got in a huge fight and I ended up slapping him. I was so mad, hurt and CRAZY! He grabbed my hair, then I kicked him out of the car.

The next day I went to see a divorce attorney and it was done. I could no longer trust him, he was suppose to be home and he knew if I ever caught them together that would be it.

We are know divorced. But having trouble. He says that he left me b/c he was not happy with me anymore, and the girl in the bar had nothing to do with it.

He says he is afraid to loose me, but we cannot be together right know. He has gone on a couple of dates, he says he needs to answer some questions for himself. I have gone out with one person too. I knew when I was on my date, I missed by ex more than anything and went home crying.

He has gone out with 2 other women, and does not really enjoy there company. I asked him if was just waiting to find the right one and then say goodbye for good or what. He said no, he is not looking for a relationship, but if something great came along he would go for it and so should I. He does not want me to wait for him. But I cannot help it. I love him more than anything.

I don't know if he is going through some crisis from turning 30 or what. He says he is mad at himself for not speaking to me earlier about the bad marriage, and I will admit, I did ignore alot of signs when I look back on it know.

I told him if he needs the companionship of another women, he has already answered his questions, but he said that's not true. He is just going with the flow, meanwhile I am drowning! And the women he met in the bar is a complete crazy who will not leave him alone. I have been at his place and she has called and he told her off, ect. She will not go away.

He says he is scared to get back together because in the back of his mind, he still has alot of anger towards me. He never wants to go through "this" again. He is scared things will go back to normal. I reasured him they wouldn't b/c we have for the first time really we (I) have learned that love is not a given, just b/c you are married it doesn't mean you don't have to nurish the relationship and that I will work on my temper, and I have and proved it to him.

I asked him how he even has time to think about us, he didn't even take a month off and really look at himself and his life.

I don't know what to do! Do I hold out for true love, or let go. I am scared to let go b/c I am affraid he will forget me. I can't move on. He always gives me a little encouragemnt. Like know, he just called, he is out with this girl and he called to tell me he wished the weekend was over. She came to town to see him and go to a concert tonight. I told him, I love you and have supported you through your troubled times, for once take into consideration my feelings. If you don't want to go tonight, tell her your son is sick and don't go. He says he feels bad about that b/c she came to town and he knows nothing is going to happen, he doesn't like her more that a friend.

Help!

I'm going to have a stab at this because it seems you desperately need to hear something.

Excuse my frankness but I think you made your bed along time ago in this relationship and now are going to have to lie in it. No, your husband is not going through a mid life crisis.

When you treat someone with contempt and disrespect for years on end, just taking them for granted assuming you'll be together forever more just because you're married whilst not working at a single thing, rather treating and speaking to them less than a friend, treating and speaking to them as if you own them, you'd better expect one day they're going to wake up and want something a lot better for themselves.

OK, so you've woken up to the above... but I think it's a little too late for this relationship. Perhaps you can take what you've learnt and apply it to a new one, but not this one. Your ex has every reason to think if you hooked up again it'll be exactly as it was.... because it eventually will be.......

You want him now more because you just can't have him.... I promise you that's what's driving your feelings more than anything. As soon as things go back to what they were, those old dynamics between you will come straight back. It takes real work, time, tons of awareness and discipline on a minute, hourly and daily basis to change ANYTHING about ourselves.... being aware of your anger or conditionally giving nature is NOT enough for real change. On top of that, you will need to work at changing how you two relate every minute, hour and day..... yet, it's been ingrained for years and years. I honestly don't think it's likely to succeed, not with any permanency anyway, just FAR too easy to slip into old ways.

I feel you should let this go for now.... you're too attached to the outcome for it to work even if you did hook up, being attached to something creates fear and a feeling of lacking which means wanting it is about getting your needs met rather than genuinely wanting to give without conditions. Let it go, be on your own, work on your own issues, realise that the only person responsibile for your happiness is you..... no one else can do it for you, only then can you love and give unconditionally

Veryconfused,

That's what councelling leads to.

Do you love? It's a great happiness. That's the only thing that makes human a human. It's the great achivement of evolution - your own evolution.

Without love there is no woman.

Do you want to be woman? Love.

Do you want to be beautiful? Love.

Do you want to be in harmony with yourself? Love.

Love. Love. Love...

Woman and love is not the same as man and love.

Woman is born able to love. Girls play barbies because of love.

Men learn to love from women.

First, from one's mother, then from sisters, than from his girlfriend, then from his wife.

I won't be able to tell you in a few words why men sometimes commit foolish mistakes. It's because of their feeling inferior, because of imperfection.

He loves you. You love him. Councelling is still on: it's time to get married. You are a perfect match!

Love each other - everything else is with you.

paul475,

Human being is harmony of the feminine and the masculine principles.

The feminine and the masculine principles represent different energy spectrums of the whole.

Woman holds the Knowledge.

Man reveals this Knowledge.

Love is the quality of harmony.

Any discussions about love are foolishness.

- What should I do if I love?

- Love.

- What should I do if he loves me?

- Love.

- Love... And that's it? What if he cheats on me?

- Do you love him?

- Yes.

- Then your question has one answer: you should love.

- But... he...

- What about him? What about his actions? His ideas? His words?

When woman loves - she creates this world.

And if this world is imperect - than you've created it imperfect.

There is only one way out - love more.

This story seems familiar in many ways to me. I have been in love with someone for years that just keeps hurting me. He tells me he loves me and then does the most dreadfull things. He ignores me for weeks at a time doesnt call or message me at all. I have wondered over and over if I should just give it up? I will tell you what I have decided "you can love him forever, but dont expect him to treat you any differently than he has in the past" I believe that once you pass a certain point in a relationship you are always going to be the person that gives the most. It is almost like you have given up your right to be treated nice. I wont go on and on, but I say dont carry him and try to make it work. If he lies to you and sees other people you have to see that he is not ready to be the person you want? Sorry I still got a little carried away. I took this a little personally as you might have guessed. Any way maybe I am wrong to be negative about it, but i wish you the best of luck. Loving someone and being hurt when things dont work out the way you expected is just a sign you are human.

I've discovered the feminine:

it's when you give birth,

when you don't know,

but trust.

I've discovered the masculine:

it's when you are worldly,

when you create the world

by swinging your wings.

I've discovered the childlike-

it's when they are still one,

the feminine and the masculine.

And oldness-

when they are apart, -

what a pity,

what a misery...