Guy acting weird...

Hi

You might remember me from such messages as 'Jealous of his ex'. Well, it turns out that was the least of my problems! That seems so insignificant now. Its all gone horribly wrong!

We are/were in a long-distance relationship, 150 miles apart (I'm at uni) but when we met (straight after my other 2 year relationship, doh), we knew I was going away and we decided to try it. I kept coming back to see him whenever I could afford it, every couple of weeks. I missed him like crazy, I used to cry about how mcuh I missed him. In total he came up to see me only 3 times, compared to my 15 at £30 a go (didn't notice this at the time...!). He cancelled the last time he was supposed to come up and I came down a week earlier instead, because he said at first it was because he missed me so much. Now I'm wondering why...

Well, I'm at home now for the summer, in a seaside village a few miles from the city he lives in. 2 weeks ago, the weekend after I last went down to see him (still following?!), I got a message meant for another girl of the same name at 3pm, asking if she'd had a great night and if she wanted to come over for some company (with a wink). I was shaking and my stomach went cold. I thought possibly it was meant to me, same name, but I was 150 miles away! I phoned him straight away, and when he eventually answered, he claimed it was to his male friend who'd suffered a bereavement and he'd written the wrong name. I was even willing to believe that! He wouldn't speak to me all afternoon, it was Mother's Day and he was with his mum so I left it, because I didn't want to ruin her Mothers Day. By 6pm I couldn't hang on anymore so I texted asking what was happening and he said he'd call. Then he said it was meant to this girl from work, his best mate's ex, but that it was innocent (which he still maintains). I took his word for it, but he phoned again later and I said if you have anything else to tell me, now is the time to tell me.

Well, it turns out he kissed her the night before, he was drunk and wasted, didn't kiss her for very long, I was better, etc. I was gutted, it was my worst nightmare. All I could say was "How could you?". I was angry and cried and cried after I hung up. But even then, I was willing to forgive him. The thing is, he wouldn't call or text me, and I was stuck 150 miles away from home, going crazy with worry, hurt, shock and grief. The anger hadn't sunk in. My friends supported me but no-one could make it okay for a while. All I wanted was for him to beg for forgiveness, to come and see me, send me flowers, say it meant nothing, so we could move on. But he didn't. He just said he was confused, and didn't know what he wanted. I went home the weekend after because I was a mess - he'd said he'd never do that to me. I know it was just a drunken kiss (bad enough anyway) not full-blown sex, but he was acting like it was more. Maybe it was, but he had the chance to admit it. I didn't eat properly for days because I felt so sick, and I kept crying in my room at night, wishing he was there to hold me and kiss me, knowing I should just ditch him, but unable to because I still love him.

We met up, and he sobbed his heart out on my shoulder, saying he hated work and couldn't cope with college (he's doing an access course to go to uni which I've always supported him on, and he's top of the class), how his brain couldn't take in anymore information, how he had loads of work coming up and wouldn't be able to give me the attention I need and deserve, how he's hurt me and doesn't deserve me, how he maybe couldn't cope with the distance etc. He'd written a letter saying could I trust him after this, its changed everything etc, but he couldn't read it because he kept crying. He promised it wasn't an affair, just a drunken mistake, and she wasn't his type. But he felt uncomfortable around me and thought maybe we should finish it. he said he'd ruined everything, just like he always does. I felt physically sick. Then he said maybe he would just think about it.

Well, I left him to it and went back up for my last week at uni (which was supposed to be fun) but I felt so weak, like I was at his beck and call, waiting for him to decide if he wanted this. He would rarely call or text, and said everything felt different. So I decided to walk away and stop texting; I was going insane. He said he didn't want it to end like this but I stayed strong. Then he sent me a letter saying "I guess its over", how he misses and loves me, how amazing I am but maybe the distance was too tough.

We're both confused about things, we're still txting and I just emailed just saying we can email if thats easier (now wish I hadn't). I feel in two minds. Maybe I made a mistake by walking away because I still love him, and really miss him, even though I know I should drop him and never look back. I think we've broken up, but I said how I wished we'd discussed things and he said he'd like to do that next week, that he'll be in touch. So, yet again I'm waiting for his call. I haven't txted and I'm doing so much more now I'm single. He's not perfect for me: he has a kid in new Zealand (I'm from England), he smokes a lot of weed, he never really wants to do anything adventerous whereas I love surfing, going out, trying new things and travelling. He can be very stubborn and moody, and keeps me at arms length. Yet I'm still clinging on to the hope he'll ask me to come back! It should be me showing uncertainty, but its him!

I've always been a bit worried about him and other girls, I guess because I know he cheated a lot on past girlfriends which alwas made me nervous. I guess I just thought, not me. We've been together 15 months and he knows all of my secrets and my problems. I guess I think no-one will want me except him. Insecure or what! But its also because I find him really attractive, he's great at stuff (ya know...!), and he made me laugh, and he could be so understanding! He seems to be a different person now. He's suffered from depression before, and I think he's getting it again.

Well thats my rant over! I guess I'm wondering whether I should see him. I don't want to know if he's with someone else right now. The pain's lifted a lot, but I'm still vulnerable to wanting him back, because he made me feel so good and laugh so much. Do you think we should meet up? I feel so weak and vulnerable right now. I never thought this would happen, but then again, I kinda did, but just thought it was because I can be a bit jealous deep down.

Would appreciate some advice on this one, thanks guys

Em

Hey Em.....

Well, I had the same kinda guy. Basically. I met him after getting out of a relationship with a guy I had dated since 8th grade who had verbally abused me and told me I would never find better, etc....

But then I found Luke. And I thought he was so great! He was really hot, still is, but looks aren't half of it. He was never sure of his feelings. I am a very expressive person and thought I loved him. I told him, and his response was "do I have to answer back?" Should have dropped him then, but didn't. We broke up, his doing, because he "couldn't take the distance. No girl had ever made him cry but I did everytime I left him." BULLSHIT! That summer he had moved home from college and started hooking up with his ex from highschool. Then later that year, he called me wondering if I would be in town that weekend. And we always talked thru AIM on the computer. I never could let myself get interested in anyone else, and I go to a big university with PLENTY of hot guys. But none of them were Luke. He never came to see me. I always went there. He would rarely call, unless he knew I was coming in town. Even when I would go to town, he would go out with his guy friends to a totally different bar and call and say, "just come over after the bar closes." WOW, now I realize how trashy that was! He didn't want to be seen with me. He didn't want to be "technically" dating. But he didn't want me being with any other guys. Although, I am not proud to say, since I finally grew balls and told him to find himself another "late night special" (haha) he has since rekindled things with his ex from highschool, who he was sleeping with the whole time I was with him, and they are "serious."

Yet, I have a happy ending. Once I realized that it was ok to be single for a while, admitted to myself that Luke was not what I wanted and I didn't like the way he treated me......my angel fell from the sky. Out of the blue this guy I met YEARS ago.........when I was little (6th grade), he was in highschool and I had the biggest crush on him.......he says he has thought about me a lot over the years, but always felt he was too old for me. So he waited til I was 18 to contact me, but he found out I was dating someone. So he called last October when I needed someone the most. I also suffer from extreme depression, but better now. I couldn't believe that someone could treat me so wonderful. He has NEVER put me down, underestimated me, looked at another woman in my presense, etc.....he can't wait to see me everytime we are apart for a while (he lives an hour away), he tells me how much he loves me every chance he gets, he is REALLY good at other things (get my drift), he's gorgeous, so wonderful....I could go on and on.

I am just saying that you obviously don't want to spend the rest of your life with this loser/marry him, so why waste your time on him. It's SO NOT WORTH your energy, time, feelings, breath, and most important, your tears. The man who loves you won't make you cry, but rather you'll cry because you know you're so lucky and thank God for everyday with him. I am happy to say that Ryan has told me that he couldn't imagine spending the rest of his life with anyone else and can't wait to be my husband. So, even though very far in the future, I have law school next, I get to plan a wedding, slowly! Every girl's dream! But you know what. When you stop LOOKING for love and just be yourself, it just happens when you least expect it. So distance yourself from him. He obviously wants that if he's the one that cheated but you're waiting on HIM to make the decision. BULLSHIT! Let him GO! You sound like a great girl! But you have to open your eyes and not see just him if you want to find that thing that makes your stomach do flipflops all the time and you can't ever get the silly grin off your face! Go for it! Make yourself happy! Keep in touch and let me know how it goes! Good Luck!

I am Lauren by the way from Baton Rouge, Louisiana, USA - an hour from New Orleans - where my boyfriend lives by the way!

Geaux LSU Tigers!

Hey again,

I just sent you a personal thank you message then stumbled accross this! It feels like we're both in such similar emotional situations. You sound like you're describing the exact feelings I've been going through! I'm so sorry that you've been made to feel like this. It seems like long distance relationships truly are a crap idea - especially for university kind of age-groups. So many people I know have been through something similar.

Anyway, I'm not very good at giving advice I'm afraid, but one thing stuck out to me...that you visited him so much more then he visited you. It sounds like he isn't someone that is prepared to make the effort that you deserve. I'm in Sheffield these days and I KNOW for a fact that if you were my girlfriend, I'd come to Devon any time you asked me and more and I'd bring you things and surprise you with things and do all the exciting stuff you like to do with you...WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH THIS GUY??? Having said that, it does sound like he has a deep and sensitive side, I don't know. Having said THAT, sensitive people can sometimes be the most selfish. I don't know him. And the stuff about her not being as good a kisser as you and he was really drunk...hmmm. It's important that you're not too gullible cos men will take advantage of that. I'm not saying be cynical either because my exish-girlfriend is like that and it's been very damaging - find a balance.

And finally, please quit with the ridiculous 'no one else will like me' stuff. You have one admirer right here for a start.

Take it easy

Eddie

Speaking from a guys point of view. You should leave him. He has a history of cheating. You are in college, I am 26 and out of college and the times get better, trust me. Remember the most important decision you ever make is the guy you marry. My girlfriend is a bit confused about what she wants right now. I know that I love her. There is NO POSSIBLE WAY that I could ever cheat period! If he loves you as much as you love him than you have to see it as a character flaw that he is capable of this. Have you guys ever spent months at a time together? The long distance thing can be misleading, there is a good chance that you might not like this guy if you got to know him. Let him go, even if it is to break his heart like he did you, and make him never ever cheat on another girl again. Good Luck!