Who cares what you think!?

I'm finding it somewhat difficult at present to name what I think is a problem of mine. Among the numerous ones that I have, I have realized that one of the largest is my constant concern for what others think of me. Constant, actually, is an understatement. This problem affects me considerably. In fact, I have even gone so far as to "act" or be a certain way in my own house (even if I was the only one there), just sort of pretending as if I was being watched! Wow, I'm just remembering that I've done that sometimes. I need major help. At any rate, this problem affects me when I'm driving, when I go out, order food, walk through the mall, walk anywhere for that matter, speaking, listening, etc. Pretty much all the time and everywhere I go I can't escape wondering and caring about what other people think of me. This, is turn, makes me hide what might be my true self for fear of not being liked. I end up being very reserved in my behavior, and in conversation, and thinking, so as not to seem like I'm too much of anything. I'm just safe Jeffrey. Quiet Jeffrey. Reserved Jeffrey. Unemotional Jeffrey. Not to make light of my situation, but I think the only place where I am truly myself is in the bathroom.

I can't put a name to this disorder. I've wondered if it's low self-esteem, codependency, ego-centrism, narcissism, or something else I can't quite put my finger on. Knowing would obviously help me to understand it better and help in my search to define it and eighty-six it. If anyone out there can relate or knows what this disorder is, I would be unbelievably grateful.

Thanks in advance for your help. I'm so sick of caring about what other people think of me, yet despite this supposed fact, I can't shake it. How ironic. How moronic.

jeffrey

I know what your talking about, I have alway been too self conscience also, not as deep as your experiencing but do worry about what people think of me.

for example, you know how they say if you didnt do anything wrong you have nothing to worry about? well I once was under suspect for some money that disappeared, and even though i didnt take it, i felt guilty! later they found it was a glitch in the program , but i swore that if they had given me a polygraph that thing would say i was guilty. and I was really stressed about how people would think of me.

I think that these feelings come from our childhood, where we were possibly blamed and/or punished for something we didnt do. i dont have it that bad that it effects my everyday life, just wish i could turn the other cheak, or just say, i dont give a sh*t what you think of me and walk away.

I think you just want the maximum number of people to like you so you try to be all things to all people.

I don't know how old you are Jeffrey. Maybe you're still trying to figure out what kind of personality you'd like to have. I'm quite shy and not very confident - but I'd love to be extrovert and sometimes I can get up enough guts to do so. (I also teach and have to stand in front of groups of adult learners - scary!!!) My students are amazed that I should be nervous. But I often admit it in front of them and then I have them on my side and that helps.

I love my little flat (apartment). I close the door and I am by myself and I can act any way I like. Everywhere you go .. you are different things to different people. You naturally behave differently - even talk differently - when you are with your friends, your family, with work colleagues, people in offices... whatever. Everyone is like that. You'd behave differently if you were in court than if you were in a cafe with your friends, right? So that's normal.

Another thought that comforts me is... there are 600,000,000 people in this world (and growing). I can't like everyone and everyone can't like me. But with so many people in this world... there are bound to be a whole heap of them who will like you and be charmed by you. You just have to attract them.

Behave the way you wish to behave with your moral values. Don't do anything that goes against the grain, that you'd have difficulty in squaring your conscience with. If you constantly change your personality, you'll be giving out such mixed messages that people won't know what kind of person you are so they won't know if they would get on with you.

Maybe you are jealous of people who have a huge number of 'friends' around them. Don't. Because when that person is ill or in trouble.. these so-called 'friends' will melt away like snow in July. What you should hope for is a handful of friends. Maybe about 5. Because friendships need time and effort spent on them.

One of my American friends has another comforting saying: 'Hell, in 100 years' time.. who's gonna know? Hell.. who's gonna know in 10 years' time?'

Frankly you might make a fool of yourself once in a while.. but the world moves on so fast that such small incidences are soon swept aside and forgotten.

Look.. forget the other people. Go and do what you like doing. make a list of (a) things you enjoy doing.. and make sure you regularly do it. (I, for example, enjoy the same hobbies as I did when a kid... my little sister thinks I'm childish.. but I think I'm happier than she is). And ( b) make a list of things you'd like to do and work on that.. I don't know... parachute jump, hitch-hiking around Europe, learning how to drive (or even more attractive in a man.. learning how to cook!!!).. and do that. It'll give you things to look forward to AND you'll meet people doing the same thing and who thereforeeeeeee share your same interests. And you'll find you won't ahve to put on a front.

Sorry that these thoughts are so random but I didn't have time to write them all down and put them in a logical order.

jeffrey.. you are you... and no-one else. And no-one else can be just like you. The world will have to like it or lump it (put up with it).

Sorry for it taking so long to reply. Thanks to the both of you for lending me a bit of of your brains. I truly appreciate it. It's a confusing syndrome with an equally confusing solution no matter how much right under my nose it might actually be. I've learned a lot recently, but unfortunately I believe that's just from growing older. I'm 29 and not really willing to wait another 20 some odd years to get over my other issues. Some I can live with and wait for, but not those that directly affect my happiness. I can't tell whether I hate life or love it. Consequently, I don't know how much it is worth living. I don't want to get into that, though. It's a whole other enchilada I'll probably have to serve to the enotalone crowd some other time.

Again, thank you very much to the both of you. Your advice to this stranger is admirable and warm.

westfork

Hi Jeffrey,

I've been thinking about you during the last few days and sending you my best wishes. There's so much hurt and confusion in the world that I'd love to be The Good Fairy and just wave my wand and make everyone happy.

Now, I know this is going to sound rather trite.. but try and read a couple of books by Norman Vincent Peale. No great philosopher and you may have to find a strategy to cope with the word 'God' all the time if you have ambivalent feelings towards religion.. BUT.. there is a lot of good sense in what he writes. He's a bit like a spin doctor. By putting a different 'spin' on situations, you can get something positive out of them. It's a sort of 'the glass is half full/half empty' situation.

Sometimes I wish I could just go to bed and never wake up again... BUT.. the thing that does get me out of bed is sheer CURIOSITY. Sometimes it just translates into... 'Can life get any worse than it is right now?'.

Try and forgive yourself for any dumb things you've done in the past (and haven't we all done such things?) and stop dragging any guilt around with you.

See each day as a brand new beginning. The slate has been wiped clean during the night and when you wake up you have a chance again to do better than you did before. Every day is a new opportunity - and you never know what life is going to fling in your direction.

Nina,

Your concern is admirable and a welcome touch. Once again, thank you for it.

Yes, Peale wrote The Power of Positive Thinking, a known classic. I've always strayed from such books, because, as you say, they may "sound trite." Surely, though, literature that has stood the test of time and critics must have a lot to give. I've taken your advice and just purchased the aforementioned book this evening. I figured it would be a good title to start with since it's his most famous as far as I know.

Now if it doesn't help in some way, I have free reign to to kick your bum for wasting the "oh-so-much-I-can't-live-without $7.00," right?

Just kidding. I'll let you know of what it does or doesn't do for me if you're interested. And, once again, from the bottom of my heart, thank you very much for your kindness from all the way over there in Germany. Please have a good beer on me. You've plenty of them there.

jeffrey

Hey,

I came accross this thread the other day when I was thinking similarily. I like to go for coffee and write everything that comes to mind, it came to me that what others think of me is hugely important to me too (anxiety always comes up). I think it has to do with seeing others as holding the key to my happiness / success in the world, so I seem to equate rejection / ridicule to extreme lack of security or something.. The anxiety I experience seems like.. I either have to play along with what others expect (self-betrayal) or face ridicule/rejection (self-betrayal by throwing self to wolves). But, there are people who seem to handle this. So what's the best way? Only surrounding yourself with like-minded people? Facing the crowd that's ready to reject you? Realizing that the crowd is comprised of a mixture of people that agree with you and disagree with you? Realizing that we're all really ok and have a right to the space we occupy? It seems like there must be a normal authentic way to solve this problem..

I've lately been reading Nathaniel Branden (I've read Psychology of Self Esteem, Honoring the Self and The 6 Pillars of Self-Esteem) and it has been extremely helpful. He started the Self-Esteem movement, but real, authentic self-esteem as a basic need, not the bs. Stuart Smalley definition (ie, repeatedly telling yourself you're good enough - your worth should never be a question in the first place). Here's a link (for his definition):

link removed

I also came accross the book "Nasty People" which talks about how some people thrive by unjustly invalidating others..

All of these have been majorly helpful, and I think what you're discussing might likely be strongly related to self-esteem. Excerpt: "Self-esteem is the disposition to experience oneself as being competent to cope with the basic challenges of life and of being worthy of happiness" I came accross this after trying to find purpose and happiness in a seeming existential world (and was referred to it in a book on atheism).

I find that this is absolutely great stuff, it has me excited again, and I hope it helps. It doesn't directly address the anxiety related to concern for what others think, but it's very close and a good start. I'm on the lookout for info specific to what you're looking for too. Branden would probably say to try to stay aware of the anxiety when it occurs, accept that it exists, then he would offer questions that you answer with sentence stems to try to expose what the underlying assumptions are that trigger this concept. However, I haven't seen a stem of his directly related to this.

I've analyzed this issue a lot, and I'm still struggling to determine how exactly to change my view of society so that I stop caring what others think. Maybe it would be useful to interview people who don't have this problem once we understand more about what are underlying concerns are about rejection / ridicule or whatever..

Today, at the coffee shop my topic was what make a fully-realized adult male / man, and is an authenticly confident grown-man plausible. I'm 31 but realized today as I walk around the public that I feel like a boy rather than a man. So I tried to define what my perception of grown man is, how I fit that mold, and whether it's an authentically valid mold, and if not, what an authentic fully-realized confident grown man might be..

Sorry so sloppy and rambling! =)

-Greg

Ultimately as a human being we develop into conscious beings that worry about what other people think of us. We develop from a very early age being told by our parents and role models to behave, be good, follow the rules, dress appropriately, etc. It is human to wonder what someone else thinks. However, if you make choices in life and keep yourself from happiness due to anxiety and fear of what others will think....I imagine that you miss out of some amazing opportunities to have fun, have fulfilling relationships, and truly have a life worth living.

If the fear of what others think about you keeps you from happiness, perhaps you should really analyze why you care what they think. Our fears do nothing but hold us back from our highest possibilities....Martin Luther King probably thought about what other people thought and ultimately knew that most people didn't agree with his opinions, but that didn't stop him from demanding freedom for all....and causing a transformation in this country that marked history forever.

So, ask yourself where in life do you stop short because of what someone else thinks or says to you and ask yourself what is more important...what they think or what you want.

Your ego and limiting conversations will be around until the day you die, but that doesn't mean that life isn't worth living and that you have to choose from that place. There is a much more powerful place to choose from, a place where you create a life worth living and you live at the potential to make your dreams come true. Sound interesting??? Have you ever really taken some action on breaking through this anxiety? Are the books helping? If not, there are other avenues to explore. I would be glad to discuss them with you, as I stand that everyone gets to have a life worth living, and everyone deserves to have what they want in life.

Peace and Love,

RJ