Refusing any positive experiences...

I dont know what really is going on with me. After I got sober about 10 months ago, I have been having trouble establishing who I am. Since I was abusing for over 6 years every day, it became a part of my life...

Lately I have been having a hard time coming to terms with reality. I must admit, I have grown considerably and have learned new things about myself, established new morals, become more aware of the world around me, been far more successful...there are still some things that I am having trouble with. One is that I have always associated fun with drugs. Some of the best times of my life were when I was drunk or high. I have found myself asking myself "who am I?" "why am I here?" "what am I good for?" It is not questioned in a negative way...I am not unhappy with how I have improved and "the new me"...but I question things about myself that I was not ready/willing to admit when I was using drugs.

What has been on my mind recently is that I have rejected things that should be considered fun and exciting. I seem to not be interested in the least bit in spending time with anyone other than myself or my bf. I have never been this way. I have always enjoyed being around people. I still do, but I do not want to have any obligations to them. For example, just today, our friends invited us over for smores later. I cringed. I dont want to go. Every time they invite us, I just dont want to be involved. I go because I know that my reaction is not healthy and I should be open to the offer and any other experiences that may come along. I have made some friends in my classes but I do not ever arrange to hang out, sometimes I leave quickly to avoid being asked to hang out. The thing that confuses me is that I am always wanting to go out with my bf and do things. But I seem to only want to do them with him...no one else. I am not a hermit or anything like that b/c I have been pressuring that we go out and do things. I DO want to meet people and do things, but when the opportunity arises, I feel that I dont want to be involved. And if my bf goes without me to a friends house, even for a few minutes, I get irritated. Why is this? I cant explain it...I know it sounds possesive, but I dont feel that I am being possessive. Maybe I just want to be around people I am completely comfortable with? But then, how will I ever be comfortable with anyone if I refuse to take any opportunities? I am really confused at how I am acting.

I was thinking earlier about my social life before I got sober, I enjoyed haning out with anyone and everyone. It didnt matter if I knew them well or not at all. But then I thought further...I only enjoyed it b/c I looked forward to getting high. I had fun once I was intoxicated and that was my motivation to call someone and say "hey, wanna hang out?"

I dont want to make this too long...if anyone has been able to pik this apart and has any words at all, I would be glad to hear them. I will not take offense to anything. I just want a little insight on my behavior...

I can't relate to you on the part about needing to get high to have fun or to be relaxed around people, but I can definitely relate to you on the level of not wanting to socialize that much with people that I am not totally comfortable with.

Right now the only person I feel a strong gravitation toward is my boyfriend. He is the only one I want to be with any time and all the time. I've also reached a certain comfort level with the people in my class (we're in the same program and see each other every day) and occasional group outings (school related or not) are okay. But as for wanting to hang out with them like how I used to hang out with my elementary and high school friends, there is no compulsion to do so. And I don't feel guilty about it at all. (I guess the difference between you and I is that I was never much into crowds, always kept to a close few.)

I just realize that the only one I want to give my time to these days is my schoolwork and my boyfriend. I can still remain on good terms with people but it has a lot to do with the sense of obligation. A couple years back, I went though a sort of realization and maybe it's what you're going through now. I just felt this immense pressure and obligation to get together with my high school friends every once in a while because they would always like to get together at Christmas or for someone's birthday. Mind you, these only took place maybe less than five times a year, but still, I felt this strange obligation to go even though I wasn't feeling so myself anymore when I was hanging out with them. Eventually what happened was I just told them that I just didn't feel like I belonged in the group anymore and was just honest with them. That act in itself lifted all the pressure that had been built up within myself. As a result, the people that I have chosen to befriend and to hang out with I feel no obligation toward. I spend time with them because I want to, not because I feel obligated.

Now I feel no obligation to these new people (in my class). But that doesn't mean I don't treat them with respect and sincerely. I do consider them as my friends and I would hang out with them once in a while, if the venue is right. I just won't feel obligated to spend time with them if I don't feel like doing what they're doing or if I'm just not up for it for whatever reason.

Hope this gave you some insight into your own situation.

Hi Mermayd,

Happiness derived when one is in a high state, is transient and meaningless. You see a different form of reality, one which is totally untrue. One with no basis or foundation.

Mermayd, alcohol and drugs are not a solution to anything. Neither do they bring you closer to finding your own self. Strive to keep a clean and sober mind. It is only when our minds are clear that we are able to see and think with clarity. That so called "happiness" you experience when you are intoxicated is momentarary. It's a fake oasis in this desert of yours.

I hope that you can try your best to keep clear of these intoxicants. May you find the light at the end of the tunnel someday Mermayd. Tk care.

Yes, of course, bleeder. I do not plan to ever return to my old bad habits. I have found a new way of life. One that I am successful in and have been able to truly love in. I would not trade what I have gained for anything in the world. I am only confused as to whether my being sober is related to my standoffish behavior, or maybe it is something else, as Simulacra has said. (which, thank you it helps to know that Im not the only one...)

I never plan to go back to abusing...sometimes are harder than others to resist, but I have a steel will in this case and will not subject myself to it again...especially after what I have gained and learned. And you are right,

It is only when our minds are clear that we are able to see and think with clarity.

I also know that my intoxicated happiness was merely a mirage and a trick into me thinking I was really happy. When, in fact, I was only running from my problems.

Now I feel extremely happy for the most part, and that is partly why I am confused about this withdrawn behavior I have noticed within myself...

First of all Mermayd, congratulations on reaching 10 months! What a

milestone! I have been sober for 19 months and remember what it

was like in those first few months. Are you affiliated with a recovery program like AA or are you doing it on your own? I go to AA and it has made a world of difference to my sobriety.

I was the opposite to how describe your drinking and drugging days. In the beginning it was all parties, but the last few years I drank alone. It was a very lonely time for me, and today I enjoy socializing more than I used to. However, I still choose my own company over being with a crowd, or spending time alone with my boyfriend. I don't think there is anything wrong with this, it's what makes me happy and comfortable. That, I think, is key. You shouldn't force yourself to be in a situation that may cause you undue anxiety. Be yourself, and spend time with people out of desire, not obligation, is my advice to you. If you truly are meant to be the social butterfly you once were, trust that you will naturally gravitate towards that when you are ready. It's a huge deal to suddenly find yourself sober and dealing with a lot of emotions that you had bottled up for years. Give yourself time to heal. If at any time you would like to talk about recovery, please let me know. God bless.

Mermayd well congrats on being healthy and more best wishes from me. well it may be just that all those times you had fun when you were drunk or high, it made all the fun even more exciting. as if you were to go and be sober (and im not saying that you cant have fun when your sober) it just has to take some time and confidence. if you dont hang out with new people you wont ever want to. that there is what my friends and i did kept ourselfs from be social. also it's called anti-social. where you avoid and keep yourself from talking or being around new people or friends. it's just something that you have to figure you want out of. theres a barrier in front of you mermayd, that you have to break if you want to get out of it. dont be afraid of anything becasue theres nothing to fear. meeting new people is a good thing and makes you more social, and lets you have the chance to meet good people. take care and keep up on the awsome work mermayd. later.

opps....didnt mean for that to go through twice

I, too, have given up drinking and drugs. The last time I drank was new years 2003 and the last time I did any drugs was on Christmas Eve of 2002. Since then, things went downhill with my girlfriend because I pushed her away due to school, and then I had the reaction to ditch all my friends to give her more time and that ended up leaving me with noone and nothing. After I stopped spending time with my friends, she broke up with me, and she's out doing her thing. I now feel in this time of solitude that I'm very shallow and that the only interest people have in me is because of the things I have. I'm an only child and I wasn't exactly made to work for everything I have. At times I wish I could start over and be poor and work my way to everything I have. I really need to find some way to improve my personality and outlook on life because like Mermayd, I tend to reject social activities. I feel like all I am is a nice guy with no real personality or interests. I wish that I could be sure someone will love me some day for this, because even though I don't feel like I NEED a woman for my life to be complete, I do feel like I need to be able to love someone and trust someone because otherwise, I'm a very untrusting person. My friends used to tell me that I was cool and that I had a cool personality, but then I started getting really deep about life and how I didn't really like video games any more and that I needed something more fulfilling. Well, needless to say, they thought this was a bore, and they ended up going about their gaming ways. Sometimes, I feel like when I graduate from college, I want to get a dog, an apartment, and spend the rest of my days reading books. But other times, I want to get out and help people and interact with people, but I feel like I need a friend to do it. I don't have a self-identity and I don't know what I want from life, but this is one of my ex's reasons for leaving me -- to find herself. Obviously you can't find yourself in a relationship because it doesn't make sense for the individuals who are changing. Anyway, to sum things up, I'm confused about what to do with my life and things get shallower and shallower every day.