he refuses to listen (The more replies-the better)

Hi everyone. There is a situation that I have been pondering for quite some time. I have not been able to come up with a proper solution so I am asking you for your input. Some of you know, one of my first posts regarded my sexual history. For those of you that do not know, I had a lot of problems and was violated repeatedly, in many different ways.

I have been with my bf for over 10 months. We moved away from home together and live in an apt. together. I feel that it is important for him to know about my history. I have breifly told him bits and pieces here and there about it. He pretty much knows the basics, but refuses to listen to the details. I want to tell him, in order for him to understand me better, to understand the reasons I act the way I do at times, and just b/c I feel that as terrible as my past was, it is a part of me and I want him to know the good and the bad. All he wishes to see is the good. I feel that it is important, but not necessarily imperitive, for him to have this information about me. I wish to sit down and talk to him, go through the events, cry about it, rather than assuming he is putting vague pieces of the puzzle together.

The reason he doesn't want to hear the story is b/c he says he will get angry at the people who did it, he will hold grudges within him about it all, and he will hate a particular person more than he already does. He knows about 60-70% of the whole scenario, but I want him to know 100% and he feels that he knows enough.

What do you suggest I do about it? Should I let it be as it is? Should I attempt to tell him everything? I have already tried and he changes the subject. I change it back but he gets so uncomfortable with it and really doesnt want to hear it so I stop. I have discussed it with him why he doesnt listen, but he sticks to what he has already said, or he changes the subject again. I have tried anything I can think of, but maybe you have another suggestion??? Of how I can convince him to listen? Do you even think it is important enough for him to know the details or should I just be happy that he knows as much as he does? Any input is appreciated. Thank you all in advance. The more opinions, the better.

hey mermayd...i personally think that you will be able to move forward in ur life, once u are able to open up these feelings and talk about it with him..and close that chapter of ur past...

Its painful, to him to know more than you have already shared with him, which is understandable coming from someone that really loves u as deeply as he does., and on that aspect, i would say,...i dont think you should press the issue in discussing it with him any further...because he will not only relive ur pain..as he loves u so much..but he will gain a level of anger that isnt necessary.

He knows enough about ur situation that you both can talk about this much, and just focus on a healing process together..because ur pain is his pain...and surely he will be willing to go thru the healing process together with u...

If the situation haunts you terribly that you feel the need that u "must" share it with him...i suggest talking with a professional first, and find out ways to encourage him to want to know the details, if possible...

asides that,...if you ever wanna talk about it..im here 4 ya...just a pm, and instant message away...

peace..and good luck

cookies

hi mermayd. from a man's perspective i strongly suggest u ease up on discussions about your past !! my ex told me about sick things (sexual) that her ex did 2 her..at first i got real angry with him ..but the more she would bring him up i started to get pised off at her and started to question wether she loved being centre of attention, drama queen etc.. i am in no way sayin u r like this cos i dont know ur situation, and as much as u need to oofload your past to him,spare a thought for his ego and ur relationship. . take care,lotsa luck

Hi Mermayd,

I am sad to hear that you had such a history.

Anyway, on the issue of your boyfriend ; I do understand how he is feeling. As much as he cares for you, he is also afraid that knowing too much of these negative truths might be a mental stigma to him. It hurts to know of the suffering your loved one has gone through. Not to mention the anger, the pain and the sadness that comes with it.

There is always a debate on the issue if skeletons in the closet should be left as they are, or should past histories be torn out into the open.

My personal belief is that the past SHOULD stay as history. Let it go. We can build a better today with a new hope of tomorrow. We cannot progress much when we've got our heads looking back at what isn't there anymore.

Mermayd, I know that you have gone through much. But maybe you should not enforce too much unto your bf. What matters is how much you both develop your relationship now. Be strong.

Hey Mermayd.. you give such great advice, lemme attempt to give you some help.. Have you only tried talking to him? Seom guys don't wanna hear sick things guys do to the girls they're with.. I know I wouldn't.. Maybe you could try leaving him a letter, or if you keep a journal or diary, allow him to read the part where you wrote the events down.. maybe send him a link to your post where you described everything in his email? I think allowing him to read about it while he's by himself, or at least when you're not around would be easier for him.. I dunno, I hope all goes well..

Hey Mermayd,

I'm going to agree with Bleeder and Brando's Lovechild. Your guy knows a majority of your past and is still willing to stay with you; that speaks volumes for his character and the depth of his feelings for you. I'd ease up a bit with telling him absolutely everything. While the past shapes who we are, it's the present that we most focus on, and the future that we must strive for.

Hey there Mermayd,

My two cents are with Bleeder. I can fully understand that this is REALLY important to you and that you want to let it ALL out so bad. I know how much you want your b/f to sit down and listen to you, so that he does know the full story.

But.... unfortunately, you can't force him into it. If he does not wish to listen or to hear your story, I am afraid that there is not much you can do. I do advice you not to try to force, either, no matter how much you want to. I am sorry, Mermayd ... I wish I could use some magic on him, so that he would listen, but right now the best thing to do is to try to move forward. I know that you are a very happy person with your b/f. I don't think that forcing your b/f to listen to this part will make things easier for both of you.

I hope that as you have moved forward in your relationship with him, he will listen to what you have to say on this. It looks like now, though, that he is just not ready yet.

I wish you luck ... welcome back, too, btw... long time no see

~ SwingFox ~

I know you really feel you need to get this all out in the open, you say the reason is that you want him to understand the reasons you act the way you do sometimes. but dont you think he has enough information to understand your personality, do you think that giving him every single detail will make him understand you more?

I am not going to tell you how to heal from what has happened to you, because I can not even pretend to know what your feeling, but i do believe that you need to move on, and not bring the past into the present, opening old wounds, and causing pain and discomfort to others around you. When I start a new relationship with a woman, its with a clean slate, whatever mistakes she did, or whatever she had done to her is in the past, she isnt that person anymore, she is the person in front of me now.

If she wants to say, listen "gilgamesh" i sometime act this way because of something that happened to me in the past, thats enough for me to understand why she does it! I dont need to re-live her pain to understand her. i dont want to sound insensitive here, but what are your goals? isnt it to leave the past behind and have a happy future with someone that cares for you? do you really believe that the only way your mate will ever understand you is if he has to re-live every little detail? is the only way to understand you is to suffer as you do?. Im very sorry for what happened to you, Its hard for me to believe that there are such monsters in this world.

My response may not be that delicate of a response, im not very diplomatic, but I really really feel for you, and iam trying to point you in another direction, to the present, to the future, a future with endless possibilities, where the weight of the past no longer effects you, where your mate will see you for who you really are, just a really great lady and he can love you without holding back,and with out the feeling hes walking on egg shells. isnt that the better goal?

Some things are too painful to give to others. I used to think that everyone in a relationship should be completely open and honest about everythought and the other should just accept your feelings, but now I think differently.

Once you are violated, you are hurt and have been changed from the hurt. In a way you would like to justify the present by the past and you just cannot live that way and be happy; otherwise we are always saying I woulda shoulda coulda, but in some situations especially of a sexual nature, it could be too painful for him to hear you speak of such things, and I think that somethings can be unstated and yet be heard by another part of our body's senation receptor, our heart.

Especially if you still have contact with the person who violated you, it may just bring out too many emotions for him to handle. That is why we have girlfriends to listen to us, when our men have drifted off to sleep!

If he says that will hurt me and make me angry, then he is being truthful and I think that you need to respect that!

I'm sure you realize that you should concentrate on the present and future in your relationship, but it sounds to me like you need to reveal everything to your boyfriend before you can do that. Being able to reveal your whole past and have him accept it completely is a step towards establishing something deeper in your relationship. This is an issue that is important to you and is consequently why you want your boyfriend to know everything. His reluctance to allow you to open up to him makes you feel like he is somehow downplaying an integral aspect of who you are.

I sympathize with your situation. On one hand, you are somewhat hurting because you feel like your relationship/connection is incomplete because he doesn't know you completely. On the other hand, you realize that you will be putting him in pain if you press this issue further. If there is one consolation I can offer you is that I see you placing great value on your relationship and you care the future the two of you have immensely. He is someone you can be yourself around, someone you are unafraid to be fully vulnerable to, someone whom you want to be able to accept you completely regardless of what may have happened in your past. In wanting him to know your past (to share your pain with him), you are in effect giving him a very unique place in your life... a place that no other has had up to this point... and his discomfort with wanting you to reveal your past fully is scary because it feels a little like rejection. It feels as if he can only accept you up to a certain point when you just really want him to accept you completely... the good, bad, and ugly.

You aslo see aspects of your relationship (ie. mutual understanding, communication, etc) that may be negatively affected because of how much he knows about your past now. As you said, if he were to know everything he would understand some of your actions better. That is an aspect that you need to consider on your own. Perhaps there are other ways you can foster better understanding between the two of you without putting him in pain as well.

(I'm sorry my postings rarely offer any real advice. I just rather offer my understanding on the matter in hopes of giving you a clearer/alternate perspective of the things you may or may not already realize.)

Thank you all so much! I appreciate all of your advice and I agree with what you have said.

To Gilamesh, your reply was direct, but I sorta needed a direct view anyway. I really appreciate you being forward with me, and you are right, I cannot dweel on what has happened in my past. It has made me who I have become, however, as Sisterlynch's signature states, "do not let the past dictate the future."

To simulacra, I really appreciate the understanding you have given. You may not think that it was direct advice, however, it helped me sort things out a bit.

To all the rest, I see that everyone is in agreeance that I should not subject my bf to unecessary pain. I agree as well. I really appreciate all of your responses. When he is ready to listen to that part of me, he will come to me and ask. It is just not necessary for me to push it onto him. He DOES know the basics and that is all there really is to know right now. Hearing your responses made things so much clearer to me, and reinforced that little voice that I get in my head (my heart) that tells me what the right thing to do is. I always say to follow your heart and I usually abide by that rule. Sometimes the head can take over a bit...thank you all for reassuring me that what my heart said was the right thing.