What now?

I've been reading quite a number of posts & have finially decided to place my own. Unlike alot of what I see, my realtionship with my soon to be ex-wife had almost lasted 25 yrs. Just before our anniv. (Nov.) she decided she didn't want to be married, didn't love me & wanted a divorce. She wants to be on her own & states she's thinking only of herself now. It was good timing with the holidays & all. Thanksgiving was nothing, Christmas was not celebrated & she tells me she's going out for New Years. Our home was sold, our 2 sons (19 & 22) had to move out & I also was forced to find an apartment for myself. During this time my father was diagnosed with cancer in which his voice box would have to be removed. He lives in another house we have in Oregon & now he would have to find someplace else to live because that house would be sold. My mother had just had a pace maker placed & was having complications with that. All this in a matter of 3 months. Needless to say my life has been shattered. It has been one of the most difficult times in my life! My wife (?) seems to think this doesn't bother my sons, but I can see she's wrong. I believe time will help through all this & reading all that I can about divorce, grief & breaking up has helped me see what I'm going through. I've accepted (I think I have) that it is all over & yet I still wake up & think of her & our time together. During the day the same thoughts sit in the back of my mind. My world is not the same & I've lost the direction in my life. I never would have thought that one person could cause this much grief in another & people who say that men do not go through the pain as women do are way wrong. So how do you find yourself through all this? The pain goes on & the loneliness lingers. The family, home, hopes & dreams that once were there are gone. The only thing left is the void where your heart used to be!

...

...

You have my empathy, but you are above pity from anybody. That includes yourself. As a mere teenager, I can't imagine how far beyond pain this must be. But it's your duty to keep your head up through all this - for your children, for your parents, and for your future. I'm sure the people close to you would want you to do it. Now is the time for stoicism. If you can endure this, you will be invincible in life. Remember that.

Hi Solstice,

I am sorry to read what you are going through at the moment. Are you really serious about you being forced to move out and sell everything as soon as possible? I am absolutely puzzled by the way your (ex-) wife pulls everything through and my feelings over this are feelings of deep anger. How coldhearted!

I understand your pain, your hurt and your anger, too. Unfortunately I don't have any sound advice for you. I can only show my comfort towards you and I hope this helps you a little.

I wish you luck and strength the coming period.

~ SwingFox ~

Hi Solstice,

I hope that I am wrong, but I am guessing that it could be a crisis or an affair that your wife is facing. As mentioned, I said "guessing". So it's just a wild shot actually.

What you need to do is to seek her out and get down to the root of this. You cannot find closure till you know what's going on in her head. I hope that your marriage works out, but if all else fails, just give it your best shot.

At least you can start your life anew knowing that you did all you can.

I really appreciate hearing some thoughts on all this. Our house has already been sold & we are all moved out. My decision has been not to talk or see her for my own good. She wanted to get all of this over with as soon as possible, so the finial divorce will be here at anytime now. Yes I have thought about the possibity (but not a strong one) of her having an affair & to be honest, she did have one about 11 yrs ago. Then too the floor dropped out from me. It took time to work through all of that but I think we never really talked about what caused it. Guess we should have. It seems to me I was too busy trying to smooth everything out & get over it. I don't really feel she did much in the way of explaining it all or really regreted that much that it happened. Our kids were younger then & maybe she stayed because of them. I'll never really know. She did recently change jobs (we both work for the same company) & she went from a position of working nights & not really having that many people around to an outside position where she has more contact with people on her crew & contruction people. She's lost some weight (she was never overweight) & started spending more time at work with her new friends and a new female friend whose divorced. I do believe this woman has had some influence on her, especially since I believe my ex has moved in with her because she didn't want to move into an apartment because she took our 2 dogs with her as well. Thing is she wanted to be by herself but really isn't. I am & it's really difficult after being together as a family all that time. What also puzzles me before this happened I wanted us to get closer & told her we should see a counslor. We did once or twice together then we had a talk & she decided to move out to "find herself". She saw the counslor again while she was gone then told me she wanted the divorce. I guess I'll never figure out why this happened, even though I've tried countless times. I guess it may have been a number of things. Boredom, seeing her freedom, falling out of love with me, not wanting the responsibilty anymore, etc. I just find it difficult to accept a person leaving after 25 yrs. & all we had without wanting to try to work out out any troubles. I have gone through al the scenerios & the "why's, what if's, if I only's" etc. & it drives me up a wall. I'm not looking for any simpathy but some answers that I probably will not find. I'm dealing with alot of emotions & doubts about many things. It makes it tough sometimes to get through the day.