Is it all about me???

Hello, This is my first message and I hope I say all of this right. I am pretty much at the end of my rope here. I am sorry if this is too long but I just don't know where to put all that I am feeling.

I have been dating my girlfriend for a little over 2 years. We live together and have a nice life together. I am very close to her family as she is close to mine. What we share is incredible...but this story makes me scared that I might get hurt again and I just couldn't handle that! I am sorry if I sound desparate...maybe I am....I NEED AN ANSWER!!!

Our first year together was bliss. Seriously, we never fought, I never got jealous and I never doubted her. We were the perfect couple.

She just started a new job and nobody there can know she gay because she may lose her job. There is a guy that she works with that, about 8 months ago, started calling her and seemed to be taking interest in her. I have been bothered with it from the start. We have spent many nights fighting about him. She says that she has nothing for him and that they are just friends. Not long ago they attended a banquet for work. She told me that she would meet me @ 930pm but didn't show up until 11pm. By that time I had every senereo in my head and I was scared to death. She explained that it was hard to get away because all of her co-workers were there... come to find out she had told him that she would meet him at a bar following the banquet...she said that she didn't go and I don't think she did. BUT, the fight we got into that night was one of the biggest I have ever been in. We ended up settling down and talking. I expressed that I had been hurt really bad and that trust doesn't come naturally...she said she understood. She asked me what I wanted her to do and I said that I would feel better knowing that he at least knows that she was involved. I explained that she didn't have to "out" herself but to please let him know that she was not interested. She came home the following Monday and told me that she did that. A few months past and I was feeling good about it all. She was on the computer one night and I poped in to tell her dinner was ready or something...I noticed that there were a ton of e-mails from him on her screen. I tried not to become upset but my fear was overwhelming. I asked her to open the one where she told him that she was involved. When she did I found out that the night of the banquet they danced and that she didn't "exactly" tell him she was involved...she told him she was "seeing a guy"....the guy part only upset me because she didn't tell me. The "seeing"part upset me because it didn't seem like she was trying to tell him that she was involved...just dating. Of course we fought but she always seems to turn it around on me. She gets REALLY defensive and demands that I trust her. It is so hard. He calls the house and asks her to go for drinks...she never goes but I think that is to avoid a fight. I guess I am just scared to lose her. I am scared that she will leave me for a guy as I was left after 4 years in another relationship. I know that it is my insecurities but how do I control them. We talk ALOT about it and I know that it is hurting our relationship. This is the only thing we ever fight about...my inabilty to trust. How do I deal with it? What do I do? My search has been one that has exhausted me. I pray, I go to a theropist, I read...someone tell me where to find the answer.

Trytotrust,

Just a question...to your knowledge, has she ever been in a relationship with a male before? Is this a possibility for her in the first place? I could see being a bit concerned if SHE had done this before, but try not to project your bad experience into this if that's not remotely a possibility.

Considering your trust issues, I probably would be feeling a bit insecure in the relationship too. I know all we have to go on is what we've experienced in our past. Explain to her again why you're feeling insecure and ask her to step in your shoes for a moment. If she really respects and loves you she should be able to understand your position and do what's necessary to reassure you there's no reason to feel insecure.

Your imagination is a powerful thing.

Firstly, it is very important you release your fears to her and let her know how you feel. In a relationship you have to be able to accept sacrifices for the sake of the relationship.

Your girlfriend needs to reevaluate her priorities about you and this "friend" of hers. Your feelings should come first and to only feel what you fear would be natural.

Advise her again of your feelings about this man and stay firm on your words. If she refuses and/or nothing changes then perhaps you should reevaluate your relationship.

You don't always need to prove that a partner is cheating.

Good luck to you.

You're a lesbian couple? (Side note: If you are, I agree with you that "gay" sounds so much better - "lesbian" sounds like some clinical term! )

Seriously, if you're both gay, why would it even cross your mind? It's just jealousy. She's got nothing for him. The fact that this guy has the hots for your girlfriend says a lot about the catch you have for yourself!

However, I agree that you should let her know you want her to stop waffling and make it clear to this guy that she expects him to leave her alone. Of course, do it politely, but firmly.