Point me in the right direction

Hello,

I am in the need of some advice. This is going to be a hard one to explain because it has become so complicated. My girlfriend and I have been dating for almost four years. I started dating her when I was 24 years old and she was 21. Well, we have had what I considered to be a pretty darn good relationship for the most part. We have spent a lot of time together, taken trips, cooked dinners, and spent countless special moments together. We were each others best friends…. But there was always one problem and that was when any sort of conflict came into play. I had never been with a woman that was so sensitive to arguments and took everything that was said during a heated moment so literally. For example, I would say things like I am fed-up with this stuff because I was mad. To her it was that I was an incredibly mean person for saying such things. This I just couldn't understand! She would often tell me that I was verbally abusive for saying such things. I always would beg-to-differ that I wasn't. I was just frustrated with the situation because it occurred so often. My definition of verbally abusive is stuff like "you're a b**** and you can't do anything right what am I doing with you?" Now I would never say anything like this being the person I am. I love her very much and that is down right mean. But, I have to be truthful to get honest advice. There were a few isolated events when an argument would erupt and I would have to leave because it was just to much to handle at the moment and I would express this without a mean word be spoken from my mouth. Only to find that she would show up hours later uninvited in situations that were unhealthy to be confronted with the issue again. For instance, I would say look I can't deal with this at the present moment and have to get away for the evening. I would get in my car go home and sit around with some buddies of mine and have a couple of beers. Hours later she would show up unannounced and confront me hysterically crying. At those times I was in no mind set to deal with such confrontation and felt that it was a major violation of my space & trust.

However, I have to admit that at times like those described were I asked for my space and it wasn't given - I could be a real jerk-off with my words. Often, I would try to explain that now really isn't right because my friends were all around not to mention I had been drinking and that this is really unexpected. But this never seemed to matter. I know who I am and that is a very logical person under logical circumstances. This one time in particular, an argument incurred between just her and I. I could see that it wasn't a mature conversation and had become heated. So rather than just let it get out of control I said that I had to leave for right now. I went home and my roommate wanted to go out. We hopped in the car and went to pick up another friend. As we pulled out of my friend's driveway we looked in our rear-view mirror and she is on our bumper in her car chasing us down the road. It was quite embarrassing. I calmly stopped the car and asked what are you doing? She was a mess emotionally . I asked her to back off and we would deal with this later when we had thought it through (while my friends were sitting in the car). She did back off only to come to the bar where my friends and I were hanging out hours later and walk in and make an emotional seen. Well to be honest I was a real jerk when this occurred. I had been pushed to the limit and this was a violation my trust. I did at times like this say mean things that I would never have said if my request for dealing with the issue at an other moment had been respected. I feel guilty about this to this day. It's not me and I tried with every bone in my body to avoid such circumstances.

If there was ever an issue she would immediately become a ball of hysterical tears. I wouldn't know how to deal with it and would become frustrated because I could never express my feelings under such circumstances. I also felt horrible guilt for seeing her cry like this. I always felt like I was this horrible person for having the feelings I did at these times even though they were very valid. Things like this occurred in the beginning of relationship and it scared the hell out of me. I should have taken it to heart but I really cared about her and thought that as both she and I matured things would become better. In addition, I felt bad for her. I could see that she believed that I was never coming back when I said "alright this conversation and this moment has gotten out of hand" it's time to take an evening apart to reflect. I never said I was never coming back yet I could sense by her actions that this is how she felt.

I have loved this woman with all my heart and did many many things to show it. I am a sensitive person myself but more so with an intuitive understanding of what she was feeling and showing empathy to the situation. I don't even understand myself anymore. This and some of these issue's to follow have made me so confused.

When she and I got together four years ago we formed the all so important bond through communication of what we each expected in a relationship. We would stay up to all hours of the night talking, dancing, and making love just to name a few. We talked about how compliancy crept into our past experiences and how we were both seeking someone who would keep things interesting. Someone who could understand our needs as individuals and who could be there for each of us without the need to always ask.

Back in November of 2002 she & I had a massive blowup over some of the issues we were having in our relationship. We were having a real hard time with our conflict issues.

Over time I became resentful:

- Her demanding attitude to what is important to her and her emotional well being while often disregarding my own sensitivities.

She has a constant need to express our problems externally through close family members and a male friend.

This has always made me feel uncomfortable because I am expected to be extremely tight with these people after they know the intricacies of our problems. It has always been my belief that when a person starts sharing relationship dissatisfaction with someone other then their partner the friend & relative now have a window into the relationship and the partner now has a wall against the friendship or family member. In a healthy relationship we open windows to each other and keep walls to the outside world. Now not to say that we shouldn't seek advice when needed but to continually discuss our problems with others is a violation of our intimate lives. This issue has been brought to the surface many times by me to no avail. It has even caused a major source of conflict between both her & I and her family members. Her brother took a swing at me one evening when I came to offer my support to her after he (her brother) had been in a car accident. Apparently, he felt rage and hostility towards me due to what he knew about our problems. This is unfair & for a very long time made me feel very self-conscience. Yet, it continues to this day when there is a problem the first person to here about it is her mother, brother or her male friend. I stress male friend because for one I believe that if the tables were turned and I was sharing the intimacies of our relationship with a female friend it would be an issue and she too would feel somewhat violated even if she says she would not. You don't know how it feels until it happens to you. It's not a jealousy issue it's matter of private personal trust.

Constantly being told that I don't put enough importance on getting to know her family. This is something that I have a really hard time understanding. Not because I don't understand that it is important to her but because of the amount of effort and time I do spend with her family is never enough. Almost every time there is family get together I am there. The family gets together often because she has a big family and her parents are divorced. There have been very few times in four years that I have chosen not to go. Even in light of feeling uncomfortable because we just had a fight and they know everything about it, I still would pull it together and go. But what the problem is for me is that my efforts under such circumstances were never enough. A couple examples for instance: taking heat for not being able to go to a complete weekend get together when I voluntarily wanted to go spend a complete Saturday and that evening with the family. Or while I was having a trying period in my life due to a death of a close friend, problems with her, possible skin cancer, and the pressures of a new business. I still found the time to help her mother paint the ceilings in her brother's house, going to lunch with her father to help give him advice on his business, helping her stepfather with his computer and getting wood for him and his project. Then to be given a hard time when I wanted to play splat ball with a friend on a Sunday only to find out that we had plans for dinner over at her father's house with her grandparents. No, I didn't say I couldn't go! I said that I couldn't make it until 6:30. It was expressed to me in so many words that it would not be acceptable because her father likes to eat early. Only to find out later that it hadn't even been written in stone that they were having an early dinner. It was going to be to later anyway because her father had something to do that day just like I did. What she doesn't see is that I have always made a considerable effort in this area for two reasons: 1) I like her family and enjoy my time with them 2) I know how important it is to her. But my efforts just aren't enough! I don't like to have to throw stuff in peoples faces but sometimes it is my only recourse. I am resentful of this because I know so many people who are resilient to there partner's in-laws. Yet, I am not even when I am faced with discomfort because they know so much about our problems. I find this to be extremely selfish and utterly unsympathetic to my feelings.

Wondering why my girlfriend doesn't want to be as sexual as we used to be and feeling rejected! (This one goes much - much deeper than just sex) For the first two years of the relationship it was very exciting sexually. I happen to be a very sexual person and will always be. She was too for a long time. On occasion, we used to spend entire days being sexual together. Not to mention our escapades on random occasions in random places. Every once in while just being romantic and focusing on pleasuring each other and just being close. Now, I have been in other long-term relationships and I know there are peaks and valleys with stuff like this but the valley grew very deep and has been so for quite sometime. I have explained for a long time that this is something that is very important to me. I have felt uncomfortable repeating my views on this because it used to be such a natural thing for her as well and now it appears to be more of a chore then a treat. I am the first to admit that after so many times feeling this way and expressing it in conversation that the rejection became a frustration for me and I would sometimes react in manners that showed my frustration and were just as hurtful as the rejection I was feeling. I believe the only time that she could ever relate to the rejection & frustration I was feeling repeatedly was one specific time.

She showed up at my house trying surprise me by warring nothing but a coat. I happened to just have finished eating literally five minutes before. When she came in I was lying on the coach settling in - not expecting the beautiful woman I love to - walk through the door naked. Frankly, it caught me off guard! She took my hand and led me to the bedroom. It was great! However, I believe the suddenness of it all didn't quite register in the brain and I didn't immediately get an erection like I would typically do. Well just that alone really stunned her and made her act as if she was being rejected. She jumped off me and looked really hurt and verbally overreacted. But, inside I understood how she felt even though it was a rare physical thing that I couldn't control. I put myself in her shoes and realized I would have probably felt the same way. I understood it was important to her to feel as though she was sexy and she is. At that moment based on my interpretation of her reactions she felt like I didn't take the same interest in her and that I wasn't attracted to her. Just like I have felt over and over -- so much that just verbally admitting that to myself makes really hurts. But there is a difference. That was one isolated occasion and explained by pure biological circumstances. I even asked for a second shot at it.

After explaining over and over how I miss those days of ecstasy with my love. To finally have a day in many months when both of us decided to spend the day at home together. To be sitting on the couch after taking care Logan the puppy we have together. I made a slow advance towards her through kissing only to find myself fighting for those kisses. Then finally to be told that she was tired! Excuse my anger here but it's damn humiliating when you walk on eggshells to make love to your partner. And to think that I felt bad about not getting an erection because I was caught off guard ?

– To me expressing my need for this intimacy for a long time only to be told that she was tired was a one of the last slaps in the face I could handle. Circumstances like this happened often! I can't even remember the last time we made love on the couch. To me that's a major problem for two people who couldn't keep their hands off each other for 2 years and still are in their 20's. Even with all the problems we created I never lost my zest for intimate love, sweetness, ecstasy, and lust & desire. NEVER. It's part of me showing her that no matter what problems we are faced with you remain the same person who excites me always!

You see this is one of the major causes of my hurt & resentment. Because, it goes so much deeper than the sex. It's about feeling wanted and desired. If I choose to be single I am sure that I could go out most evenings and find someone who desires me. On a pure lust basis! However, I am a deep person and I cherish the nearness of exploring with my partner who I love. Its makes me want nobody else ever! But, I will admit that when I feel rejected like I do over & over I question what I could be receiving elsewhere. That plays a major part in my reactions now-a-days to this problem. I have chosen to love this woman through thick and thin. Never, straying – ever. But, the woman who I have committed my complete dedication to doesn't understand this. In her eyes it's all about sex.- just a horny guy! It's not that I can't understand that there are times that she is tired and may have had a hard day. I would be a real jerk for not understanding. But, that is not the case and I am intelligent enough to know when it is much - much more !

I am so frustrated because after the blow-up in November I over reacted and in the heat of an argument said "ok that's it I cant do this anymore you don't understand my feelings and I can't deal with anymore its over". I quickly realized after I said that I had spoke in haste and wanted to go seek consoling together to try to see if we could resolve the issues. I promised that I would never say that again and practically begged for her to seek some advise with me. After to weeks of doing so she finally did agree. Well we made an appointment in late January. Then my best friend was killed in a accident and I had to fly out west for a funeral and I couldn't make the appointment so we never ended up going. I came back and was really filled with grief and had a lot of pressure on me. One night last week we got into an argument that I felt she was being really selfish about. The hysterical tears came out again from her and I thought to myself. With all that is going on in my life right now why cant she just cut me some slack. I got mad and went home without a word. We didn't speak for two days. Finally, I called her and it happened again. Frustrated, I said you know sometimes you are so damn selfish and threw everything I was going through in her face. Within minutes I felt guilty and drove over to say I am sorry and there is a note on the door "Don't come in". I pleaded and said I am sorry and was forced to go home. I stewed all evening it was additional pressure I couldn't handle. The next morning I drove over and pulled another "It's over I can't deal with this crap" statement and left. Later that day I called and tried to explain all the pressure I have had on me lately. How I really think we need to try some consoling and I didn't mean what I said. She said she has made up her mind she doesn't want to be with me anymore and is sticking with it. I just feel so damn alone – my friend just died, the girl I had every dream of being with for rest of my life cant understand that sometimes people say things they don't mean. I have always shown how dedicated I am through my character. I have made my mistakes but I always own-up to them and want to better myself in anyway I can. How can the person I love state to me no more then two weeks ago when I gave her a ring -- that she wanted it to be a promise ring for marriage. Then balk at me saying I am truly sorry for my statement lets go try to fix this with some help and have her turn her walk away. Then tell me that the security she needed in our relationship isn't there? Well, security to me is understanding, commitment to solve the problems we face, and knowing that when hard times hit we have resolve for betterment. I feel like I have been so naïve. I feel pathetic, desperate and alone. I am almost 29 years old and I am so saddened by where I find myself now. I know that this is complicated and I don't expect answers just advice. Thanks in advance to all of you.

Okay, that was longer than an 8-year-old's Christmas list... There's just too much information there to handle without having a committee or something go through and deconstruct it paragraph by paragraph!

If it was worth the time for you to sit at your computer and type that beast up, it's obviously a huge issue for you. Your GF just bounces all over the place! She's too unstable for you yourself to understand, and she probably has problems she's not telling you about. She's got issues, your relationship's got issues, and you're being tormented as a result. Counseling is not an option. Seek it or else you will be dragged under by the weight of this situation.

I have never in my life read that much ever. there are alot of issues here that you and your g\f need to address everything and hopefully you two can work it out. you have alot to discuss with her and it will take longer than what you wrote on here. all the subjects on here need to be brought to the table. if you dont tell her what is on your mind then what will happen is that you two will grow apart or it will get worse and worse then you two eventualy be over with. now it shows what you love her and that you care alot about her. yes everyone needs space, because with out it, it will only crowd us and then we tend to then get angry. but best of luck to you and take care.

I really think that you could do better. She has way too much baggage for you to handle. Little by little stop seeing her and maybe she'll eventually figure out what she is doing in her life. She is shooting herself in the foot emotionally. Nobody deserves that kind of high maintanance treatment.