what's going on in his mind...help me?!!

I have been married for 6 yrs, may 2002 my husband had an e-mail from an ex co-worker with a porno attachment (not sure if this was her?) when I questioned him he said she was a little weird (?) nt sure if this was an excuse, who would send this if they knew the guy was married?.. soon after he received a text message on his cell phone MISS YOU XX I conronted him, he fought with me over the mobile phone to take it from me and delete the number of the sender!!. It took an hour or more to finally get from him that the message was probably from this girl that had sent the e-mail, that he had taken her for a 'business' lunch and she talked of how she had been dumped by her boyfriend, not just one lunch but 2, suspisous of him I checked his pockets and one day I found a keyring in his pocket, a really nice one that had a BMW emblem on it, he had this for 2 weeks without saying a word. I bought a new car and he gave me this key ring saying he had bought if for me that day (2 weeks after I had discovered it) I said it was really nice where did he get it, he said from a local garage near to where he worked. I said he must think I am stupid!!! (he had picked off the BMW emblem..the car he drives)eventually he confessed that he found it lying on his desk at work and tat this same girl had been in that day and he assumed it was her???

I checked his e-mails, as he said that he had not heard from her and I was not convinced, (someone does not just stop contacting you(?) there in his e-mails was one from an ex and a reply he had given previously about hislife was so mundane, when I read this I was so hurt so I printed it off circled what his response was to her and said if life was so bad 'push off'!! I was concerned that he was not being honest with me, and fearing that he was having an affair with the one who he had taken for lunch? I asked quesions, as you do!... I gave him a present one day because I thought he may be depressed, he started taking care of his appearance more than usual, he even bought himself leather jeans? was he having a mid life crisis, when I gave him this present he broke down, crying unconsoulably, my first instinct was to say 'what have you done' thisseemed like guilt to me!... he started to go for drives, first 1/2 hour then 8 hours etc one day he decided he needed to be away to clear his head, one week later he came home, he could not decide if he wanted to be married or not??... after he returned for one week I thought he may calm down but he didn't, so I said that he had not made much effort and his reply was 'well I told you, I don't know what I want!!) We talked from (9am until 4pm then he decided he wanted some space and left me) he told me he was staying at a friends to get some space to decide if he wants to be married or not!...he rang me occasionally but when he did he was indifferent, detached, I said that I loved him and whatever the problem was we could work through it! he was very reluctant!

I eventually thought that what he was saying did not add up, there must be someone else! I did some detective work as you do, and found that he had in all the 4 weeks away only stayed at his friends house for 3 days where was he the rest of the time?...I went to see my sister for 4 days and hired a private investigator that told me that he was in my house with another women! When I cnfronted him he denied that he was in our home with her but that he had gone to another co-worker that had befriended him for 3 weeks (over xmas & new year) he told me that he had bonded with her even kissed and cuddled her but that he had only slept on the couch even though he had a comfortable bed at home and her couch was to small to sit on let alone sleep on????

He had been home since January and since then has not kissed, or cuddled me unless I have aksed, he says this is because he feels that there is part of him that wants to be married and part of him that does not, he feels that the parts that make a relationship have gone and he is not sure that he can get them back!??? At the moment we are living in the same house a 'room mates' ,,,this is killing me but he seems okay with it, he feels nothing is different for him? he wants to see me from a different perspective, I have told him that I have plans to sell our house and move to australia and my plans do not include him, he then tells me that he has a barrier that he for some reason cannot break down.

any advice on what you think is going on wuld be appreciated!

Ok my friend I am 21 and I was never married but I know how you feel… if you are following my stories than you will know what's going on in my life… I think as soon as hi or she mentions the words time and space that's it at least for a while… I know first of all last year I was trying to break up with my girl because I felt that I needed that time and space and I know how it feels when you need it the fact is that you still love the person but with a different point of view you just want to switch off from everything that has to deal with the relationship..

also when my girl and me came back and when we tried it one more time than she started to mention the time and space…and in fact she had another one…she was trying to have both guys around her…but couldn't decide…only trough my pressure and trough my "work" I figured out that she is still in touch with that other guy (she tolled me she isn't)

and she also mention the same thing that your ex husband in telling you the thing "one part of his heart is for the marriage the other one isn't" the same thing with my ex she tolled me with one part I want to be with you the other one is telling me no…

the problem is that he can't decide try to confront him ask him if he can't decide and you will see

wish you all the best

still there

Thanks stillthere: what I have discovered recently, is that he has never opened up to me about things that have bothered him, he has kept this to himself, on the surface he has been the same to me but underneath he has built resentment. So getting him to open up is so very hard. I have asked him to be brutally honest with me that way no matter how hurtful it may be at least I will know where I stand, If he didn't live here I can move on but living with someone who before he left to have his space was my husband, when he returned he is detached. We went for a meal and I was conscious that he was looking at me, almost in a searching way.

I was right, the following day when I said that I know that he does not want to be married to me anymore but could he try and make things less awkward (ie when he left for work we would always kiss & cuddle, now when he leaves he kinda hovers, not really knowing what to do) he replied that he had thought of staying at his mums for a week(?) and go out together, that way he may change his perspective of me, it was then that he said he had this barrier that he could not get rid of. He said that he keeps looking at me thinking that there is nothing wrong with me, so this barrier is preventing him from being close.

He said that there is the nice me that he likes and the other me that he does not. The me that he does not like is the one that confronts him (he runs away from confrontation with anyone) how could I not confront him when he gets a text message 'MISS YOU XX'. He said that he was 'done-in'.

From my point of view he was done-in because he would not give me a straight answer or lie, had he told the honest truth the questions would have stopped, we could have talked about the problem, dealt with it and moved on. SORRY THIS IS SO LONG!

Hello my friend

See you situation and my situation is 99% identical. You can push him to be honest and open to you but he is not going to do that. I tolled her too to be honest and open and she tolled me "I am honest and open to you" which she wasn't. I had to hear things from a friend of her that she is still in touch with him etc. etc. I think that he/she are afraid to tell you/me the truth, because they know they will loose us. My ex always tolled me she is busy she has so many things to do she never tolled me that she loves him. From time to time she said to me some stuff but at the same time she said he is not a problem any more.

I know in what kind of situation you are trust me. I know how you feel….but please be careful enough. Now I know that I wasted my last 4 months for noting. I thought we might work on it but no it will never be the same. It is hard to trust a person after such a thing. At least for me. You can go out with him have dinner etc. he/she will have the same wired look for a while. I know that look exactly they are kind of lost in space and time….they don't know where they are….but trust me one thing my friend if he has another one believe me he is lost with her, too. They are damaging their lives.

It's over with my ex now….i figured out that this guy has a girl and is in touch with her…my ex doesn't know that…my ex tried to reach me…am not there anymore for her…the new guy will be away soon, too when he realizes what a girl she is…and he will do it sooner or later…she will be there alone and will try to fix things but it want work any more…

I always was "pushing" her to bring a decision to tell me are we together or not but naha it didn't work those people are lost my friend and there are just jumping from one "problem" into another….

I hope my words are helping you…don't worry about your long replays, because I have time to read them and I know how you fell…

Stillthere

*Soon you will wake up the sun will shine and the day will bring you your luck. *

thanks stillthere!: something of a revelation today, found out what the barrier is!! he wants us to be together again and everything to be okay, He does not have the feelings of being in love but knows that he does love me but wants to feel 'in love'. He knows that he has hurt me so much and this makes him feel very guilty, he says that he wants all the sadness to go but does not know how to get rid of it. HELP!!

ziggy,

i am reading your stuff and hearing her voice....very very similar things are going on.... i don't know what to tell you, because how can you trust him anymore???? are you able to to over it...to tell him ok yes you hurted me but life goes on???

i don't think that his story is over that easy...be careful...i personaly don't think it's over....talk to him see why did he do such thing for a while...talk talk talk...but again how can you trust him... it's just a hard situation...i mean now my ex is gone...but i still feel somehow connected but truly i know it's over there can never ever be something, because i can't trust her anymore TRUST is the biggest and the mostimportant thin my friend..

stillthere

areyou still there STILLTHERE? Please tell me what you think is my next move?..Sat night his mother rang to invite 'whoever' for lunch on Sun with the family..his sister & her hubby are taking photography lessons and wanted all the family to pose for them in a nearby park. He took the call and then announced what his mother wanted, I told him not to worry about me I would be fine, then he said 'No you too!', I said I didn't think it was a good idea because firstly his family will think everything is okay and also that his mums house holds memories for me, I started to cry and said that I thought he had sat on the fence long enough he needs to jump off now, one way or the other. I said that I was now starting to feel that I needed space, that part of me now does not know whether to stay married or not!...He looked shocked when I told him that I already had a flat & a job to go to, and my instincts are to rush to a conclusion!

The Sunday we had lunch & I was cheery and had a laugh with his family, then we went to have the pics taken. I don't know if I imagined it but to me he did not seem to be near to me at all.

On the Monday he left for work at the usual time (really early) and I was still in bed, he leaned over (where normally he would kiss me) he held one of my fingers and shook it gently and said'I'll ring you later'.

Before he came home from work I went out and stayed out until late.

He kept ringing my mobile but I just ignored it, then after 4 messages I switched my phone off! When I came in I was acting the way he had been towards me for months...detached, not interested. He asked where I had been and I just said 'I needed to be away from work, the house and him and that I wanted to clear my head!' He said that he had been worried about me (ha) and why didn't I phone (I was going to but thought why should I - he had five hours not knowing where or who I was with, I had 5 weeks!....this may have given him a tiny idea of what it was like???)

anyway BIG QUESTION NOW???

1) I bought two save your marriage books with the idea he either tries to do SOMETHING!...but if he feels that he does not have passion, would he?

2) Remain indifferent for a couple of weeks, this may shock him into thinking what he may lose and if it does not work, then suggest that we sell the house and go our separate ways?

How can he be trusted again, your right, the sneakiness hurt just as much as his friendship with this co-worker...Thanks again for your help!!!

yes i am here...i am on the net almost 24/7 (webmaster that's why)

i can also give you my email address if you would like to talk to me that way...

but one thing i wanna tell you know try to be cool...continue to be like that do not overcool but be cooler let him so that you can live without him too ok again do not overcool but be cooler and let him know that you can have a life without him too...

ok just let me know what's going on i'm online and waiting

stillthere

Stillthere: Well, update is went for a meal with the little s**t, basically I lost my cool, just after he said he didn't have the bottle to say what he really thought!!...so I said I want the house to be sold asap, I do not want him to interact in my life at all...blah blah blah and by the way I didn't want him in my bed, he now wants to talk! ....told him TOO LITTLE TOO LATE!!......god it's going to be hard until this bleeding house sells!!!

just thought I'd vent.......THANKS!!