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Thread: How do i go on?

  1. #1
    Silver Member Gilgamesh's Avatar
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    How do i go on?

    Been in a relationship for the last 4 years, broke up today, reason she broke up? have no concrete reason. Its just hard to believe.

    We have been dating for 4 years, shes divorced and so am I, our romance was outstanding everything anyone would want and expect in the almost perfect relationship, at first I was cautious, as I have been burned in previous times. but as i realized that she truly loved me, I found I could open up to her, I;am a very very romantic and pationate man, I have always "surprised" her , maybe one week a massage, or rose petal bath, Sex was the best, as she enjoyed it so much with me that to me that was the most exciting thing, my pleasure was seeing her pleasured.

    She has two little girls ffrom her last marriage, I got along well with them and they with me, so there was no problem there.

    We were not living together she lived with her parents and i worked in a town 45min away. She was taking studies in the city i was in, so we would get together every week, sometimes twice. she always looked forward to being with me, or as she would say "I cant be without you" "I need to be with you" etc., I wanted to marry her, but she said it was too soon and she wanted her daughters (that didnt know at first of our relationship) to get used to the idea of her dating again.

    Time did pass, and she did tell her oldest daughter 13, actually it was she that suggested that her mother should see if i was interested in having a romance with her! so things are moving slow but in the right direction, our passion for one another as strong if not stronger than ever, I still have the image of her eyes looking at me and hearing her whisper how much she loved me, and how nobody has ever made her feel like a woman.

    Everything was going wonderful until,,, This December 2002, she decided to move out of her families house and move on her own, My sister was flying in from California to visit my Mom in Florida, and my girl friend suggested I should go visit, because she would be on vacation, we wouldnt be able to "see" each other during that time, so I went on the trip, now i should mention that I have made these trips every 5-6 months forever, so its nothing new, although she would really mis me, i mean we had to talk at least every other day, and we would for hours sometimes, actually we always were in contact all through our relationship, communication was never a problem.

    While i was in Fla, in one of our conversations, she admitted that she would like to speed things up, and she would like to Marry me and would really like to have a baby with me, I of course was excited, this is what in my patience I was waiting for for the last 4 years, I made it back , and of course I couldnt wait to be with her, but for some reason, she didnt seem that excited to be with me, usually she couldnt wait to jump i my arms and start kissing me. but I didnt think much of it at the time, I never doubted her love for me, and accepted her reason for not being able to make it sooner, remember she just moved into a new house and her parents wouldnt be able sit in at that time. we did go on a date, and it was kinda mechanical and hurried, she said she needed to get back home early because of the kids and all.

    Now i should say that ever since she moved into that new place she has been stressed, she was having a hard time making ends meet, I tried offering her some money, but she wouldnt hear of it, always saying she wanted to do this on her own, that they were her problems not mine. She would make some kind of similar statment everytime i visited, she would say for example, that she loves being on her own now, and loves the house, but didnt think she would be able to stay there. and I tried to offer her help but like i said, she wanted to make it on her own.

    So a couple weeks go by, and we meet up at her brothers place, and we just hang out, for a couple hours, she then says shes gotta go back home, in other words, she didnt want to be alone with me, now you may think this is nothing strange but If you knew her, youd know that its very out of her charecter, I mean she usually cant wait to be in bed with me.

    I didnt think much of it at the time, but I guess love does blind one to the signs of trouble. I sent her a cell message asking what was wrong, and why she didnt want to be alone with me, the message that i got back shattered my world. she said that, she was sorry to hurt me but that she realized after I got back from my trip that she didnt feel the same way about me.

    I could not believe this, I called her up, and asked what was up, she said she was going through a lot, and that she needed time, to not force her into making a decission, I told her that I loved her and that we could work things out, that she could count on me to be there to help, but she just insisted on time to let her think, and i asked her how she could just stop loving a person just like turning a switch off, she said "I never said that i didnt love you". but that she didnt want to have me in a position where i would be hurt. OMG! she stabs me in the heart and tells me that this is the best thing for us because she doesnt want to hurt me.

    I spoke with her mother, and she was also very surprised, I mean we both were crying, .

    My theories of whats happening here are the following, with the very stressfull situation she had with the new place she was being overwhelmed by responsabilities, and it has her so stressed out that shes not able to feel good about anything, and that she associates her stressful feelings with our romance. I know that some may be thinking that she might have another, I can assure you that this is not the situation. The reasons for the theory above are not taken from just one thing she said but dozens of little tidbits she has let out over the last couple of weeks, always involving the pressure she is under, and that she cant handle the house and may have to move back into her familys house again. again i tried to tell her that as a couple we could face all these trouble together, that we could work as a team, and that what really matters in life is the love we had for each other,.

    No matter what i said to her, her mind has been made up, she would just repeat that she didnt want to hurt me, and that she has to face these problems on her own.

    Iam in such pain i cant cope with it, I mean I almost wish I did do something wrong, at least there would be an explanation for the breakup, I know how much she loved me, and i know it wasnt false, she was always happy with me, very much so, I dont drink, smoke, or cheat, I respected her and never smothered her, no fights, no abuses, we did get along very well, and sex was always out of this world.

    I have heard all the advise many times before, many of you also have heard the same thing, such as: Oh you will love again, there is plenty fish in the sea, that i will survive, and forget it all over time, and the thing is I know its true, but my real problem is, Ill never be able to trust another woman ever, no woman could convince me she loved me as much as my girl and still look what happened. the pain will go away eventually, but the depressing reality that im now 41, and and have no faith in love. I dont know what to do, im lost, in incredible pain, and just cant think, I feel like garbage, tossed out with all the memories.

    i know this letter is long, i dont expect many if anyone to read it, its just mostly to keep my mind busy and get things off my chest.

    They say that if you love someone you should let them free, if they love you they will return, Im gonna set her free, im gonna cope with this situation by Thru hiking the appalachian trail, 6 months of extreme hiking will keep me physically and mentally active, the accomplishment will probably help with my shattered self esteem, and after 6 months ill give my girl a call, if its still a no go, then it wont hurt much, but then again she may realize whats important in life, what we had was special, there could be a chance, after all, she never could look me in my eyes and say she didnt love me anymore.

  2. #2
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    Your story is very touching. I can't imagine the magnitude of your pain -- I've never been with anyone that long. But any breakup where you love the person and perceive no problems in the relationship must be devastating to have to accept. That situation I've been through.

    You should try to talk to her if you can. Having no concrete reason usually means there are real reasons, pretty serious ones, as a matter of fact. Even if it is her realizing that she is bored with you after all this time, that is a serious issue in the relationship. Try to see if it is just a misunderstanding or misperception on her part. Maybe she overheard something about you or found out or realized something while you were apart that made her reevaluate your whole relationship. Accepting the breakup is already a difficult thing to do. You should at least be given a real reason.

  3. #3
    Silver Member Gilgamesh's Avatar
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    Thanks for your post,

    My first instinct was to just take off and mope, just give up, but after talking with friends, I realized that I cant run away from my problems, and it could just make the of us getting back together more unlikley.

    Whatever her personal problems are, the ones she doesnt want to share with me, or the ones that are interfering with her affections towards me, will eventually pass, and I want to be there for her if she needs me.

    It took us all our lifes to find each other, I know that she wasnt lieing all those years when she said and showed that she loved me. She knows that I love her, And just a few moments ago I sent her some personal messages, stating that im not going to abandon her, and that il be there for her when she is able to love again, and that I will always be ready to share in any responsabilities.

    I left the door to my heart open for her, . Am I a hopeless romantic? maybe, but then thats why she fell in love with me in the first place.

    Im still suffering, because, im not completely blind to the fact that its completely over.

    I try to keep my self busy, visit friends, talk to family, listen to comedy radio while driving etc. but every now and then it hits me in the chest like a sledge hammer, the memories, oh the wonderful memories, why, and how could it come to this. Only time can cure my pain, and it moves in slow motion, 5 days ago I was kissing her, it seems it was only a few minutes ago.

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    Hmm... I can kind of relate to you on feeling that things are over when they are not officially over yet. It's like you just need her to tell you in person that things won't work out but you feel a little dead inside already. I had that feeling for a month before I got real confirmation. I wanted to stay optimistic but I was reading all the signs of his decision long before he made them official.

    It's a wise decision to keep the other aspects of your own life in perspective. Moping is an instinctual reaciton, but when you begin to react by keeping busy, you are in a sense reiterating to yourself that you are a competent person without her -- not that you would prefer to be without her, but that you can still be a complete person and not a wreck without her. That part is very important to your own self-esteem.

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  6. #5
    Silver Member Gilgamesh's Avatar
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    soup opera

    After initial shock, and while driving between towns, i started thinking, and piecing things together, I mean, there is just no way that she could just go from wanting to marry and have my child to dumping me for just no reason,.

    Iam at fault! it was so obvious and i really didnt see it, everything fits in. after i write this down youll probably want to pop me one in the head and say "you numbscull" .

    One of the main reasons she left her last partner and father of her two little girls , and the original reason she stopped loving him, was because for the 14 some years they were together he never bothered to get divorced from his previous partner. Every time she ask him to get that divorce, he would make up some kind of excuse or another.

    She fell in love with me at the office we both worked at, but i didnt know she was in love with me, I liked her a lot, but thought she was married, you see, her partner was the city Mayor and i wasnt going to start flirting with the mayors wife, but one day she left me a note that said she couldnt stand it anymore and basically told me how she felt about me.

    I spoke with her and this is when I found out that her marriage was a farce, and that she cant stand him, also he recently cheated on her also.

    Since I have been burned before, i took it real slow, i mean, i just was soo careful, she was still living with him but was sleeping away from him, I know I know, your saying what a fool iam, but no, its true, her mother knew of our relationship, and the situation also. I trusted her, and we were great together, we passionatly loved each other, I had no doubt of her love for me.

    After elections went by, she left him and moved in with her mom, we still didnt have a public open relationship, but we were seeing more of each other, and we started talking serious about or future together.

    Ok as you may have guessed, yes, I too was married! but separated for about 14 years, and yes, my partner made it clear many times that that bothered her, and although i did make a few attempts at getting my divorce, I procrastinated.

    December she moves into her own place. but obviously more than she alone can afford ( I should have realised she was asking me to propose)

    January, In a phone conversation she tells me that she cant wait for use to get married, etc. (I was out of the country at the time).

    I return, and notice things are not right, and a few days later she says shes sorry that she doesnt feel the same about us.

    I asked why , what etc. she just wouldnt say, just that she gives up on all men, that shell never marry any man period. once when i asked her how she was able to just stop loving me like turning off a switch she told me, that "I never said i didnt love you".

    Now I know, oh stupid me, even though her intentions werent spoken, they were as plain as day. She did everything she should have, she moved into her own place, she told me she was ready for me, and then it hit her like a ton of bricks! he is still married, she went through all those motions because of her love for me, and i failed her.

    This explains why, that when i attempted to help her out, it almost seemed like it offended her, I thought i was just being helpful, but what i was doing was sealing my own coffin, because I was doing and basically forcing her to accept me as Iam, married to another woman! and who does that remind her of? yep, her ex!

    So now what? Well for one Iam a bit relieved that at least there was a cause, and there is also a ray of hope. One of the reasons she never told me outright the reason she stopped our relationship is because, she shouldnt have to!! the divorce i promised i would get was something i should have done on my own.

    I deserve what is happening to me, and she is suffering also, she is suffering for us! I believe she loves me still, and is making the sacrifice and giving me the chance to make things right.

    I sent her a couple personal messages, 1st: Forgive me, I now know what my error was, I was a fool, no more promises, im not *****(ex) only action from me now I love you.

    2nd Every day that pases, ever second that passes i miss you more, i understand the sacrifice your making for us, and for that i love you even more, soon we will cry no more, I failed you once, but not again.

    notice that i did not tell her flat out hey im getting that divorce! I wanted her to know that the reason im getting it done with is not so i can just get her back, but because she deserves it, and because I value her.

    She feels like crap, unimportant not worthy as a woman because of what i done, I made her feel bad about herself I know this because she even let on, but of course i was too dumb to realise at the time. I once mentioned that i was gonna buy something for the house, and out of the blue, (we werent in an argument or anything) she says, yeah you buy stuff, but nobody wants to buy me, i didnt catch on at that moment because it was so out of context i didnt know what she was saying, but now i know.

    Ok so, yes im on the move now, big time, this is going to be like a soup opera, im gonna get that divorce, im getting an engagement ring, im not telling her anything about what im gonna do, but im just gonna do em! I will show up with her mom, i will kneel down on one knee and i will ask for her forgiveness for not doing this earlier, I will show her the divorce papers and tell her i did this because i value her as a person and that she deserves it, and because i love her. I will show her the ring, and propose to her.

    Oh i know it could go bad, she may not forgive me, it may be too late, but i have to try, I owe her that much. I love her that much. it will be about 20-30 days before the divorce goes through, thats an eternity for me, as im sure it is for her, shes mad at me now but still loves me, after a month of this, she may hate me. so I still have sleepless nights, i still burst into tears at any given moment. Its so painful, but i do have that little glimmer of hope, she didnt completely shut the door on me. she feels awful for what she is doing, her latest message in response to the one i sent above.

    "I have nothing to forgive you for nor your forgiveness do i deserve, dont torment yourself, I have been disgracefull" she blames herself for the reason shes angry with me, .

    I will keep you posted on the results, I hope with the whole of my heart that I can save this relationship, because if it dies, so will I.

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    I hope your reasoniings are right. And I hope that when you ask her to marry you, she will. The two of you seem to have gone through a lot, both on your own and with each other.

    But the reply that she had for you have nothing to forgive you for nor your forgiveness do i deserve, dont torment yourself, I have been disgracefull" is a bit irksome. It almsot sounds like she did something (to you) that was dishonourable. WHile you were away pehaps? That's just the instinct I got when I read that.

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    Perhaps she scared herself withthe "baby" talk. You might just have been a very serious, fun rebound relationship that restored her shattered ego and femininity. She is ambivalent and I have no way of knowing whether this ambivalence is passing or a finisher. It does not sound good.

    She took you for a ride and now it is you who is in need of a rebound relationship.

    From the clarity of your post, though, it appears you have the resources to bounce back stronger than ever. I think you've already started.

  9. #8
    Silver Member Gilgamesh's Avatar
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    More news from the front line, I found out from a family member that my girlfriends ex-partner and father of her two daughters threatened to try and take them away if she was to ever get another man in her life.

    As i write this, she just sent me a message, to "I told you to forget about me Im a problem for you multiplied please dont call me".

    She still continues with the messages within messages, you have to understand that im in a 3rd world country and her ex has some politcal power, but it is a democratic country and we do have laws here.

    I still get the vibe that she is making this decision for reasons "other" than not loving me, I know i sound desperate, I'am,. there is a fine line between being very romantic and being desperate. If I keep in touch and do all the stuff i plan on doing with the ring and divorce papers and everything works out people wil say wow thats one romantic guy that really loves her, and didnt give up when she was in trouble etc. but if she rejects me, then they will say look at that pathetic fool, doesnt know when over is over.

    I cant give up, until I know the truth, it could be that I was just her lover and confidence booster for 4 years and now that shes a bit more independent doesnt need me anymore, but this doesnt make sense because of how abrupt the change, one day romantic, loving caring making plans, asking how many days were gonna spend this summer on vacation, and the next this.

    the mystery is driving me up the wall, .

  10. #9
    Silver Member Gilgamesh's Avatar
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    End of story

    Thats all folks, an ol childhood crush showed up when i was out of town and she was depressed over my absense, an operation and an economic situation, she was vulnerable, he popped up just at the right time.

    Of course i will not forgive her, the way she cut me off merits no forgivness, treated me as if I was someone she never knew.

    I was suicidal at first, but realized that, she may have treated me like trash, but I never did anything wrong, she the one that did the unconciable act. she blew a 4 year relationship with the best man she had ever known and will ever know and she knows this too.

    But trust is everything in a relationship, its over, ill survive, friends are helping out, Im devastated yes, lost trust in love yes, it will take some kind of woman to convince me that she really loves me. you see im that guy that most woman say that doesnt exsist, and this woman has hardened me.


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