I know I am extremely jealous, but do I have any reason?

I would really like some help, I have been with my boyfriend for 4 years and we live together. I have always been very jealous and we have just got through it. It makes me really unhappy and insecure. I know I have a problem but can not find a way to control it. I have seen a councillor and tried hypnosis. Neither worked.

Recently he has got a new job where he has to go away for 15 weeks and only return at the weekends, it has been terrible, my worse nightmare. He has become friends with girls, goes to the bars with them (as well as guys) and is now giving one of the girls a lift up there on sunday night and a lift back on friday.

She sent him a text message about whether he could pick her up on sunday calling him 'studley' from 'gismo' and he told me that is his nickname the guys gave him and she just picked it up from them.

I know I am jealous but am I being silly about this too?

Hi Sammy,

I believe that your troubles with jealousy stems from your own insecurities.

It is hard to place trust and faith in someone else when one is insecure about his or her confidence. Going to a therapist or trying hypnosis may help a little, but it does not generate self esteem just by attending these sessions. First step you have got to take is to feel good about yourself.

Start exercising, read some self help books on building your esteem, or even try some form of meditation. I cannot answer if your boyfriend has been unfaithful or not in this situation, but what matters now is for you to believe in yourself first. That's the utmost.

Have faith!

Well said, Bleeder!!! You go, man!

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Hi Sammy,

Thank you for posting to eNotalone.com and thank you for coming to us with your question. I hope that my addition will help you, as well.

My suggestion is to calmly talk to your boyfriend and explain him how you feel. Tell him that you love him very much and that him going away for the week makes you feel insecure. In your position I would ask my girl to pamper me once a while when you're on the phone together. That really helps some. I believe in long distance relationships and I know how important phone calls are then. Although I am not involved in someone now, pampering my girl was always a GREAT help and really added.

I hope this explained some to you. Good luck!!

~ SwingFox ~

Thanks for your advice everyone, I totally understand what you are saying and too be honest I think I am over reacting, I had a conversation with him last night and I said that I was annoyed about the text message and demanded to know who named her Gismo and him studley, he told me about the guys there and how they nicknamed everyone when they all arrived. Its a really intensive course, They have to study all day and then into the evening too, he is never alone with the girls and only really sees them at dinner or study time.

he has assured me that they are not 'friends' and only colleauges to him, he has to keep a good relationship with every person there because its for the police force and he may have to rely on these people to save his life when they begin working together after the training.

He gives her a lift because she gave him some lifts a few times when he was stuck (his campus is in a different area and he had no parking pass to park in his carpark).

I have seen her before and she is (not being nasty) but not very good looking, am I being really over the top here, if I keep talking to him about my jealousy over and over again and wasting the precious time we have at the weekends or on the telephone I am afraid he will get fed up.

Everyday I have a buring desire to cross question him thoroughly and surely its wrong, I should be able to accept that he must work with other girls should I not? where do you go from here?

Sammy_Jess

I, too, am struggling with jealousy. I haven't been to a counselor or tried much as you have. My friends, family and boyfriend keep telling me that I need to get over this, but I just can't. I used to be really fat and unattractive, and everytime I look in the mirror, I see myself as fat and ugly. Could it be that you are unhappy with yourself? It seems like insecurity is the primary cause of jealously. I think that before you wonder whether you have a reason to worry or not, you need to reassess your opinion about yourself. If you can identify one thing that you dislike about yourself, and work to improve it (work out, eat better, etc.) it may help you to feel better about yourself and realize that he is attached to you, not this other girl, for a reason. Good luck

Hi,

I know how it feels to have your boyfriend so far away and I also can relate to the working with girls problem etc. My bf and I lived apart for 6 months but it was at the start opf our relationship so I didnt let myself get too atached emotionakky and it was fine.

Since I have moved to go to uni and live with him then I have found it very hard. Every day he mentions another girl at work, or someone he emails and things like that which I find hard because I tell him all about m friends at uni and I feel he is keeping things from me even though I figure he probably isnt and thats just the type of person he is.

He is a very friendly and chatty bloke and the girls I have met here all seem qwuite aloof and are only interested in chatting to the boys, no one female has made me feel welcome.

I also understand what you mean from your other posting about even though you feel you are attractive then it seems everyone else is that little bit above you.

I dont know how to combat this at all, I am going to try your hypnosis technique though and Rubys advice is quite soothing too.

Hopefully on day one of us can come back to this site and give a solution, until then though I am just keeping my fingers crossed that my bf sticks with me!

Kirsty

Great to hear those replies from you folks.

Whatever it is....don't lose faith in yourself. Be brave and strong. There is always a silver lining on a dark cloud.

Hi. I just wanted to say that your story kinda reminds me of my own situation. my b/f just got a great new job and i am very proud of him and support him all the way. the only thing is this job requires a little, (not nearly as much as yours) traveling. actually he is away right now on a business trip. When he started this job he had to talk to other reps on the phone and some of them are girls, and so naturally i became a little insecure. i have an insecurity problem as well, but i have no idea where it stems from. anyway, one thing that almost always gets me through situations is putting myself in his shoes. i always try to think, well if i was in a new business would i avoid men because they are men? the answer is obviously no. men and women interact everyday, and its perfectly normal. If your b/f has given you no apparent reason to distrust him then i wouldnt worry too much about it, but i dont really like the sound of the nicknames either, but hey- you need to pick your battles, and since your man is away alot, you need to choose them wisely. so just text him at night before bed with something sweet to let him you are thinking of him, and i think that things should work out. but remember-your feelings are real, and if you feel it then it isnt wrong, so youshould try hard to work them out!

Hope everything works out

Sammy_Jess: I can understand the jealousy - police work can create such a sense of community and be a powerful bonding opportunity - hence the nicknames and all the time spent together. It really is part of police culture. I think jealousy is always a part of life for police girlfriends/wives (I'm not a cop but I do have several police officer friends and have seen how tough this work can be on relationships). Try to keep this in mind - many many other police partners feel the same way as you.

I totally agree with the previous poster about being up front about your feelings with your bf - try to do it as rationally as possible (some guys hate seeing their "woman" worked up..). If there are some things that he could do to make you feel better, then ask him to help you.

HOWEVER - Knowing how tough policing can be on relationships, and that you are having some jealousy now - it might be worth some more work when your BF gets home (on the weekend or after the course is over) to discuss ways that you can work on this in the future? The jealousy may not fade once he gets home.. if he gets a new assignment, or a new partner or a new shift.. there could be other problems. There are a lot of good books out there on police families. They are definitely worth reading.

just a note: If your BF is committed to and follows through on doing some or all of the things that make you feel more secure, then that's a very good sign! Guys are kinda lazy at heart - it takes a LOT to motivate them to do something, but once they are motivated, I find that nothing can stop them from it! IF a guy is really committed.. you'll know it!