searching for the answers....i may not find

Well after finding this site today and trolling it some I decided maybe I might post here with my issue, so here it goes:

4 years...4 years of my life with her. 4 years and our daughter later, the relationship ends. That was almost a year ago. I know alot, ok most of the problem was me. I still had alot of growing up to do, and wasn't able to do that until I got alone... We still speak on a regular basis since we have our daughter and for that I am greatful, to lose her was one thing, to lose my daughter would destroy me. Let me put this in another light. Before this woman I had never been alone. I was always with someone. So in that I think the last year on my own has been good for my mind, but its not what I want. I gave up far too fast, had I been willing to allow it, these changes would have happened with her. I still love her very much so, that has never stopped, not even as I was walking away. I remember when the decision was made, she asked me if I was sure of this, she didn't want it to be one-sided, I knew it was what she wanted at that moment, so I swallowed my feelings deep down and said yes. I knew I was lying. I think she knew too. I ended up moving out of our place, at that time with nowhere to go. Actually didn't have a place for a while after that, I didn't let her know exactly how long though. I wanted her to not worry about me. She had alot to worry about of her own now.

I did a few stupid things over the course of the first few weeks, biggest one being while we were talking one day; Somehow we got into a discussion about "other people" (mind you I am bit jealous and paranoid by nature...less so now that I can admit it) and I was still hurt by everything so I made up a story about being with someone else... I didn't want to hurt her, I wanted to hurt myself... I wasn't with her, but I was wanting her back so badly, that I felt I had to do something to stop it...so I made up this story. To a point it had the right effect, I think at that moment she decided that we couldn't be again. I later told her the truth about this, though I guess the truth can be too late sometimes.

I'm getting ahead of myself I think. A week prior to the separation I asked her to marry me. She took it as me trying to "fix" the relationship. It wasn't to me though. I wanted to marry her, I should have married her long before this...maybe I wouldn't be writing this now. I know she wanted this, I was just always so scared of it...We had been very distant though the few months prior due to some heavy overtime I had been putting in at work(literally would be at work 5-6 days straight). I know that alone put a heavy stress on the relationship. She had said yes to my proposal the night I made it,but took it back the next evening...even now that wound still hurts, though I understand her reasons.

For a while after the breakup, I tried to forget it, forget her, write her off...I still had my daughter and that was gonna be all that mattered to me in life anymore. side note..that was also a big issue in the relationship. NOT THAT MY DAUGHTER WAS THE ISSUE! but that after my daughter was born, she became my life, if it didn't involve her, I didn't see it anymore. we never did anything without her because I wouldn't have it. That was a big error on my part, and I admit that now. We still should have made time for us. She tried.

I made an attempt at reconciliation 3 or 4 months after the initial breakup, but the point she was at, there was no chance. I think the words "i love you" were more than she could even stand to hear out of anyone... I know how that feels. I remember pouring my heart into the longest letter I had ever written in my entire life, but she's right about one thing; words are just that - words. Problem is thats where I've always been able to express the things I could never say verbally (though you probaly can't tell by my writing this...its all so incoherent right now....i can't seem to stop the emotions from taking over)

So after she turned me away, I tried my hardest to stay away from it...I even tried to kill it... but I can't. I started writing "letters to her" that I would never give to her...then finally recently i just broke down...and had to let her know how I was feeling...so I left two of the more recent letters with her one morning while picking up my daughter. Since then I have continued writing, but not like before...I had swore she would never read those...but I just had to say or do something...I don't even know that she read them...

I just don't know what to do...this is tearing me up. I miss her and I still want her to be in my life...I want my life with her...but I don't know where to go or what to do from here

Hi deadringer,

I feel that you are in an extreme difficult situation. I am not sure that after all this time you will be able to work things out. It might or might not work out with you.

I tend to believe that you have really tried your best to make both of you happen again. I have just one more suggestion to add: the only thing I see, is to hit her with the BIG BOOM and tell her straight out how you feel. May be you should print out your posting and then have it read to her, I don't know. I wouldn't want to disappoint you, but don't expect too much out of you telling her and trying for one more time.

I hope this was somewhat of help to you. I wish you good luck with all you do. Keep us posted

~ SwingFox ~

i've actually been hitting that wall...

just hit her with a big boom....

..but where would that leave me ?

i don't know i can go on like this...this is killing me...

i know she stills cares for me...but what i can't figure out is why she hides away from anything remotely near it...

i just feel if i could get her from behind the wall...

i don't know...i just feel like i am beating a wall and i cant go around it over it under it or even turn around and walk away from it...

Hi Deadringer,

I can understand your woes. I am in a similar situation myself, except that I am married but separated and have left my daughter in my wife's custody.

No words of advice or encouragement can ease the pain you are going through now. How do I know? 'Coz I am going through this myself. What you can do now is to rebuild your life. As painful as it might be, to be alone and face the irony that a father should spend his time by himself when he has a daughter out there that needs loving and guidance. It's a hard fact. But we've got to face it.

Reconstruct your life, your dreams. When she sees that you are standing tall and firm, one day...she might just come back. That is.....provided you have not met someone better by than.

All in all, be strong for now.

thanks for those words...

i layed it all out before her tonight...and in the end I fell flat on my face.

Did I give up to easy - probaly

but I still love her with all of my heart...so I had no other choice...

just wish i could stop the tears right now...i know I have to let go of her...and the pain of not seeing my daughter everyday just deepens the wound i already have from what I know were my mistakes....

find someone else? not likely...but maybe in time...never thought I'd find her...

i don't even know where to start now...

Never ever lose hope Deadringer!

I have not seen my little girl for 5 mths now. It hurts like hell. But there's little I can do. What I can do is to hope and pray that one day she'll understand how much her daddy loves her. You can do the same too. Love her with all your heart and never lose faith in your daughter.

Someday, somehow, she will see the light. I am staying away from my daughter now as I do not wish to see my ex wife again. Yes, we stand the risk of our partner poisoning our girl's mind, but hey, let Love speak for itself.

Be tough dude!

I am sorry to hear that

luckily I still see my daughter one day a week (not nearly enough)

but its gonna be harder now going to pick her up....until yesterday I still had alot of hope for my ex....now I think I may break down if I even see her face...

I told her what she needed to hear...and I will admit that. I told her that I would let her go..that I would get her out of my heart and lose that hope....then I cried my eyes out later...I can't live witht he hope or without it...so now I just live...I'll hold myself together as best I can for my daughter's sake though.

i broke someone's heart once - then i broke mine - then i broke them both - wash, rinse and repeat. - then i broke mine again - now i just break it everyday - i wake up and break my heart - i go to sleep to mend it - i wake up to hold it and watch it crush - life is funny this way - you never quite know which way is next - or up or down or sideways or left or right - you just know your moving - backways or sideways or frontways - does it really matter - rise up and fall down - thats all there is - all i have - i think i broke my heart again.