looking at other women......................

Hello peeps

Hade some good advice from here a couple of times and tried to follow it but this problem really bugs me;

my boyfriend is a genuinely nice guy (I think), been with him a year but didnt live near him for first eight months now live with him due to me going to uni etc, long story!!

Problem is that everywhere we go I feel he is staring at other women, not usually the less attractive ones or the larger ladies but the pretty skinny one. I am not overweight, but I am not happy with myself much (would like 2 b more tones etc) and I am working on that! I am also very insecure and dont trust him much although again I have no reason for this except past experiences and thiss looking at other women thing? I have arrangd counseling, first appointment thursday so hopefully i will get some help there but does anyone know how to deal with this? Its just knocking my insecurity down all the time.

I have tried talking to him and he says I take it the wrong way and that he is a naturally curious personb which is tru and he likes to look around at people!! He says he does it to men etc too but I dont agree.

Help please?

Kirsty x

Hi Kirsty,

You are not alone in your jealousy. I really compliment you on recognizing your problem and doing something about it (i.e. getting counseling) on the spot. You are over half ways to solve your problem

I might have some additional advice for you: tell your b/f how you feel and why. I am sure he recognizes it, because you have told him your feelings more often. But, this time ask him if he could reassure you and/or pamper you, because you feel somewhat insecure. If this guy has a heart on the right spot and thinks like me, he will feel REALLY special after you said that. Why? Because you opened yourself up and make him feel that you need him to comfort. I would feel seriously good over that.

It's something you could try to see if it works. If it does... wooohooo! If not... then you tried. Let me know what happened!

Good luck!

~ SwingFox ~

swing fox brings up a good point. I would like to add that i have been in your situation..not long ago matter of fact. I have been known to be overwhelmingly jealous with my current bf. have otten much better about it tho. A lot of it (getting better) was accepting that the jealousy is rooted from my own insecurities. First off, it is natural for human beings to admire other human beings whether they are of opposite sex or the same. In regards to same sex, it is usually in the form of admiration and sometimes jealousy. We see what we wish we could have in a sense. Do you not look at other men? I kept telling myself that I never looked at anyone but him, but it simply is not true. If I see an attractive man, I look, but that doesnt mean I will have any further intentions other than recognizing he is attractive. that's it. Your bf does the same, as does mine. My bf told me something that really hit the nail on the head, I will pass it to you, "if you are looking for something, you will find it anywhere" If you have insecurities about yourself and they come out in your jealousy, you will naturally notice when he looks at other females. But not as much when he looks at men. Take the example that if someone were to tell you that the #36 brings you good luck and wealth, you will then find the #36 everywhere, The # was always there, but it has been brought to your attention. Address #s, signs, # of stops you make from home to work, etc. So, subconsciously, you are bringing yourself to be aware of his recognition of other women. You have made a great step in recognizing that you are insecure. In my experience, it is all downhill from here. Just repeat it to yourself when you feel jealous, "These are my insecurities again". I hope this helped you and explained things a bit.

My boyfriend is constantly checking out other women. When I question him about it, he says that naturally he likes to look at attractive people, because why would he want to look at an ugly person? It makes me feel very insecure, because I feel like he is comparing them to me. I don't know if this sounds like your feelings toward your boyfriend, but my advice to you is that you shouldn't let it bother you. Easier said than done, right? Well, I think it's great that you're working to improve your body and going to counseling. Everytime I work out, I feel like I have the power to change myself into someone really really beautiful, and that makes me want to work out more. I think that if you continue to help yourself, you will realize that your boyfriend is with you, and even if he thinks other people are attractive, he is with you because he loves you. Please don't be suspicious of him, because suspicion only fuels jealousy and ruins relationships. Good luck with everything!

And after you have nicely told him how you feel and he continues to do it (I am not talking about looking quickly, but that ostensible cheking out, especially turning around to look at her butt Uuggghh!), try giving him the same treatment:

STARE at any attractive man you see (unfortunately for us, there are more attractive woman than men). Make sure he sees you doing it. he might get the point, or might not.

Just like with porn addicted BFs: buy a copy of playgirl and "forget" it innocently open on your nightstand...

Or make sure he sees the last website you opened is link removed

Don't know if that works...reverse psychology, but.....

I have had the same problem with my boyfriend. When I first started going out with him six months ago, I tolerated him looking at other women, and have a collection of porn and stuff, but last month I snapped. I told him how unhappy I was, he didn't take all of it too lightly, but I told him to delete his porn, which he did...

But he still looks at pictures of women on the internet and stuff. Nearly every night I cry - it makes me feel like I don't have anything as good as they do. It's quite upsetting. I had a talk to him last night about it actually, it's like he understands, but is reluctant to change because he says it's something that all men do.

Why is that? When I first started going out with him I stopped looking at other men completely, regardless of whether they were on the internet or in real life - I would have thought he would have the same courtesy towards me.

my fiancee is very jealous but i like it and i understand because im a jealous person as well. if the guy loves you he will accept it as long as you dont put too much prssure on him that is.

Just like with porn addicted BFs: buy a copy of playgirl and "forget" it innocently open on your nightstand...

Or make sure he sees the last website you opened is link removed

Don't know if that works...reverse psychology, but.....

Excellent Idea! It does work.

I aggree with all the answers on this topic.

Kirsty, you are taking all the right steps: Counselling, work out. Congratulations with that.

With your partner, build trust and complicity. Say something like: "Helloooo!!! You want her for breakfast?" when he checks another girl. It's your way of participating in it and playing jealous without being consumed by it. Express it in a humorous or teasing way. This will take away the tension and get your message through.

You can as well precisely reverese the game and point your finger towards a nice hank and say: "Hmmm.... I'll go for that one"

Good luck and stay in touch

vitalcoach

Vitalcoach, I agree with you. Humor (sarcastic as it may be) can help. What I said once to my rubber necking BF was: "Hey, maybe you can go get her number"...

He looked embarrassed after I said that.

One thing I did try and did not work: oggling cute males in front of him. He doens't seem to notice..or care! Bummer.

I'm new to this forum so bare with me

I've been in a relationship now for coming up 6 months. I wouldn't say that I'm entirely happy with him or our relationship, but he isn't a bad guy. I don't feel as if he will cheat on me, and he works very hard (harder than I do most of the time!) and making sure that problems in our relationship are worked out. Yesterday at the beach with his family, I noticed once we got into the water that there was a very busty young blonde girl in a string pink bikini sitting nearby. I knew that he noticed her as well, and caught him glancing over a few times. Once on land, I noticed him look at her maybe two more times. Again, just glances. Not oogoling or anything. But he knew right away that I was upset. And for the rest of the day I was disturbed to say the least. I felt ugly, I wanted him to know that I noticed his glances, I clarified why I knew he was looking (ie, pretty girl, big breasts, little clothing). He got upset at me for being upset. And, I know deep down that its a perfectly natural thing. Glancing, admiring. I look at pretty girls too but I look because I admire or perhaps I'm envious. Men look though because it's sexual. I guess it bothers me to think "hm, what is he thinking when he looks at her?" and then to think that when i'm not with him, he most definitely looks at other women. My boyfriend is not "one of those guys" that drools at women all day, is a womanizer, what have you. He seems entirely normal, and he does respect me and honestly tells me that I am beautiful. But all day and all night I stewed over this, and felt awful, and very very very upset. Please help me with something that is going to help change my attitude and outlook, something a little bit more than "it's normal to look at other human beings". Thanks very much

It's a very normal feeling...we feel unappreciated and compared with.

How would you feel if you couldn't stop looking towards some hunk at the beach....not that men care about that..

Unfortunately for us women men are so visual and we feel bad about it. That is one mistake of evoution! If nature wants men to ogle other women it should make us women unjealous about it!

It will pass. I am sure it ruined your day. But it's forgetable, because he didn't do anything.

WHy not some sweet revenge? Why not telling him next time you are watching a movie or TV how good looking this guy is....and go ummmmm..

If he doesn't like him, tell him you didn't like him checking out the buty blonde!

And why is it that some women have to provoke other women's men? Some women just love to do that. Maybe she was acting a little provocative.

Next time, you can cut the BS by telling him straight away, when you see him checking out hot females: Hey, I see you like her. Why not go try get her number?

By using humour you difuse the situation and you don't suffer so much. And makes him embarrassed like hell.

The worse thing is to let it continue like you did and then suffer for the rest of the day.

Hey!!

Ur bf might be honest with u because i also have a very observative character and usualy look at ppl wherever i am..it's probaly just that.Even though he might be admiring some women it doesn't mean he doesn't find u attractive..he obviously does

Anw relax i think it's nthn and if u feel u need therapy then go ahead Good luck!!

Just like with porn addicted BFs: buy a copy of playgirl and "forget" it innocently open on your nightstand...

Or make sure he sees the last website you opened is link removed

Don't know if that works...reverse psychology, but.....

HA! This is great, I especially liked the part about the Playgirl, lol.

All of my close girlfriends will tell you the same thing about their men. It's just something they do. My god, I've even seen my dad doing it!

There's no doubt about it, it's rude to stare at a member of the opposite sex while you're with your partner. And you think to yourself, "if he does it while I'm with him, I wonder how bad he is when we're not together?". Keep in mind ladies, glancing is one thing, but if he actually goes as far as staring or obnoxiously gawking, something must be said. It's ignorant to stare.

I doubt that any woman on this forum can say honestly that their boyfriends don't do this. After a while I got annoyed when my boyfriend would do it, so I actually started doing it full-speed to show him how it feels. To be honest, most of the time he either didn't notice or didn't care, but if there were some hot construction workers with no shirts on, I would take that opportunity to rubberneck - really noticably. I could care less about what those guys look like to be honest, I only did it to prove a point.

The bottom line here, is that if you complain too much about his wandering eye, he's going to start feeling like you're trying to control him. Men hate this probably more than anything. For women, we feel flattered when our boyfriends get jealous. When we're jealous of something he does, he feels like you're trying to change or control his behaviour. Even though he may not say it at the time, he's building up some resentment which will come back to haunt you.

Guys just do this. I can honestly say that I rarely do this while I am with my boyfriend. Men will gawk - they do it to me all the time, even when I'm wearing sweats, have my hair up, and look like crap salad. Try not to take it all that personally unless it gets really bad. It's in their genes to do it and there's not much you can do to change it.

Ocean EYes, I also tried to rubberneck myself and my BF didn't care either!

Or maybe they are TOO smart and know why we are doing it: too manipulate them into not doing it!

Although I agree men can't sometimes control it, some men can. The ones who show more respect for women do. It's a sign of respect for your partner.

Hi I would like to join Kirsty in her feelings.

I have a very attractive b/friend. He has got a huge senso of humor. And above all we have this long distance relationship (3 years). And that is presicely the problem.

He stares at other women. Just to long. They see it as an invitation and respond to that. To name a few incidents. He stared at a group of woman who was camping alone. After a while the one came over asking in her sweet voice please open this for me!

That makes me furious. A girl even sent her address to him on a serviet.

We discussed this and I explained to him that he does things that makes me feeling jealous and according to him he does not even realise that he is doing it.

I am at the point to tell him that if he cannot change this, I would have to go on without him because to me this is not a way out.

Dr. Phil describes this as social commitment. Although my b/friend promise me that he loves me, this creates a problem. Unfortunately together with a view things that happened I now do not trust him completely. I would get this gut feeling (although I know that this is not something to go by) and then I would not be able to sleep. I keep imagining things that happened and then creates all this scenarios in my mind.

If he calls me and I ask him something and he doesn't answer immediately I would think he is cheating.

Then above all this he visited a strip joint a few times. I explained to him why this is not good for our relationship and although he agrees and promised never to go there again, I now do not trust that he is true.

I am very true to my b/friend and expect the same. But unfortunately this is not so simple.

So I understand why you feel this way. It drives me mad when he stares at other women. When I am not with, what does he do when they come over and start chatting. If he tells me nothing, why does he stares so much to get that reaction then???

Flikker

How about when the other girl he is staring at isnt even all that pretty?

^ I don't really think it's how pretty a girl is that makes a man check her out. In fact, I'm convinced that when it comes to sex, men are far less picky than they would be if they were choosing a long-term partner. I've found that the more I allow myself to worry about who my boyfriend is looking at, the more unhappy I become. I can't change it in him (or any man), so I've decided to focus on eyeballing guys rather than concentrating on what he's doing. It's been working well so far.

i agree with ocean...summin' i'm trying 2 do ma self. wen we do go out and if i'm noticing on how ma bf is secretly checking out other females..or jus looking at them...i do the same thing. I'm trying 2 figure out...why stress over it. It aint gonna get me nowhere. even tho we've had this conversation b4..nothing seem 2 change. Ma dad does it all da time with ma mom. Ma cousin does it behind his wife...i think it's basically natural for men 2 look at other women. I get Jealous inside wen ma bf's doing it...but then...wat can i do? i can't stop him from seeing who he wants to. His eyes will see all he wants...there's NO stopping it. sum times, i feel like making ma bf wear a mask on his eyes so he can't see these women but we know that THAT's impossible. LOL. If I see a pretty woman walk past..i'll jus grab ma bf's face and whisper in his ear,"i love u hon." and give him a peck...jus to throw his attention toward me. and it usually works.

This is a message to all of you women who whine about your boyfriend looking at porn, or one of you in particular who actually cries yourself to sleep at night because of it. .... MEN LOOK AT PORN, who cares? who cares at all? as long as its not child porn or gay porn or beastiality who cares at all? I just want to slap you people.