My mind is not working anymore!

Hi.

I'm 25, female and currently studying Medicine (I graduate in December). My problem is that a couple of years ago I started to feel more and more difficulty to read, memorize and, thereforeeeeeee, learn new issues. I noticed an important decrease in my capacity of concentrating (I find it really hard to learn a page from top to bottom), in spite of my efforts to focus my mind on the subject. I have to read the same thing 3 or 4 times in order to memorize it. I relate the beginning of all this with some bad events that happened 2 and a half years ago, when I got into a depressive state and had to take antidepressants. I consider myself cured by now, stopped medication some time ago, and I'm on psychoterapy since then, as a way of elaborating what I've been through.

My concern is that in December I will finish my course and will have to go through a very difficult and competitive selection process. In my country (I don't know exactly how it works in US) every Med student has to pass a test to be able to do a specialization - I plan to especialize in Otorinolaryngology, in which only 4 students are accepted at my university, out of a total of approximately 100.

I don't know what to do, because I have so many difficulties to learn and to pass a test like that you're expected to be almost perfect. Everyday I get the impression that there's no use in trying, that I should have chosen a less demanding profession, even though I cannot imagine myself doing anything else in life.

What is happening with me? Am I getting stupid, if there is anything to do with intelligence (or the lack of it)? What do you think I should do? Insist? Give up and accept my limitations?

Has anyone tried fast-learning methods like "Power Memory"? Do they work?

PLEASE HELP me, I'm gettind desperate with all this!

Hi Waterlily,

Unfortunately I do not have advice for you and I hope that others will read your post and can help you with this.

Still, I would like to encourage you. Keep trying, Waterlily. You have come so far, now don't drop out. It looks like that you have a gone through a few things in your life, but YES... that is all behind you now. Focus on the future and focus on what you have to do in December. I am sure that it will work out for you! The most important thing is that you do everything you can, so that you can say you did by the time it is December, no matter what the outcome is.

I hope this encouragement helps you. You had the courage to post your message on here and I believe that at least makes you a strong person.

Go out there ... and make it happen!!! Good luck!!!

~ SwingFox ~

Oh my God! I have been searching everywhere wondering if I was the only one. My story:

At age 15 I was told that my grandfather had physically abused my mother again and again until she left for college. Her mother would watch, take her to the hospital, but deny that it ever happened. My mom was given $500 for college, because my grandparents had gone bankrupt and my grandfather (not that I acknowledge him as that) was an alcoholic. She worked in the cafeteria cutting salads and lived as a resident advisor in the dorms for free housing. My dad was always there for her, thank God. They started dating in the 5th grade and have never been apart. It took my mom a while to be able to talk about it in her late life. She told me my freshman year in high school. Before that I went to a really hard private school from kindergarten thru 8th grade and excelled, getting awards and such. Around January of my freshman year I became extremely depressed, locking myself in my room for hours, sometimes a whole day, rocking back and forth crying, holding my hair in my hands as tight as possible. The screaming and yelling fights that took place between me and my parents were ridiculous. They knew something was wrong, but I of course didn't want to think there was anything wrong. I tried to just say it was hormones. They finally made me go to a doctor and I took all these tests and such and they diagnosed me as "situationally depressed." This means that it would go away eventually. Not the case. They put me on Paxil at first, didn't work. Moved to Prozac. Worked for a while. At some point I got this idea that I didn't need medication to be "normal." I would pretend to take it. My mom would give it to me every night but I wouldn't swallow. So I got worse. School started to get worse too. Caring about it wasn't there. Concentration was minimal. Things I had excelled at before were so hard now. I was grounded for a "C" or lower, so I was grounded all the time. This made it worse too. Being cooped up in the house while all your friends are at parties made the fighting at my house worse. Somehow, I got into my dream college, LSU (geaux tigers!), and graduated with a 3.0 GPA. This meant I was getting "TOPS", a state program for tuition scholarships. My tuition for college would be paid by the state for my four years of undergraduate school. Great! I even graduated a semester early from high school and started at LSUA, a two year college in my hometown. I got 12 hours of credit, with 3 A's and one B. WOW! I had a crappy boyfriend who verbally abused me though which kinda put me back into "crap" mode. I was on medication and seeing doctors though. I didn't go to LSU that fall because of the guy I was dating. Stupid mistake. When I did go that spring of 2001, I was so excited to be rid of him and on my own for once. I thought this was the answer to all my problems. Away from my parents and making a life for myself. I was depressed. I didn't have a lot of friends and my roommate was never home. I had a dream job, tutoring the football team, and all my bills were paid by my parents. Great apartment. Just not happy. I went to doctors in Baton Rouge and they told me to "exercise more." I ended up with 3 C's and one A. Not good. My parents were disappointed and so was I. I moved home for the summer which was okay. My highschool friends were there so I went out more. That fall I went back to LSU and got a one bedroom apartment. I decided to go through "RUSH" and got into a really popular sorority. Everything was okay for a while. I didn't really fit in with the younger girls in my pledge class though, and the girls that were my age acted like they were "higher" than me. My grades the next two semesters were the same: three C's and one A. Not grades for law school, which is where I thought I wanted to go. (I know I am boring you.) Many dead-end relationships during this time didn't help either. I kept taking the meds. That summer I took two summer classes and made two C's. My parents were really disappointed. I got one thing I had wanted for so long though, my nose job. I was also started on new meds that summer (last summer). Wellbutrin & Effexor. Everything was GREAT! I was living life, new look I was so happy with, going out, new friends. Then I started to slip. But I didn't want to tell anyone. I stopped going to class, stopped going out, stopped any contact with my sorority, stopped living. I got to the end. I wanted to end everything. I thought that was the best way. I couldn't bare to disappoint my parents again. I was failing school. I had no one in my life. I played it off to them. I was the happiest person around them. Out of the blue this guy I had a crush on when I was in like 6th grade (he was 5 years older) called me. I was laying in the bed, in darkness, greasy hair, broken out face....disgusting. He was someone I could trust though and a complete outsider who wouldn't judge me on the past. I told him what was wrong. I couldn't bare to call my parents and tell them about school, so I emailed them. My mom called and said "Lauren come home." I was shocked. I had been so scared. So it was decided that I would drop the classes while I could and move back home. Defeated. My dad called back and said "don't run away from this thing Lauren. Go to a new doctor and get some answers. Stay in the classes that you could still pull out a decent grade." So I did. Thank God! I went to a new doctor who asked me, "why are you on this medication?" I told him that was what I was prescribed. He said, "you're not depressed. I mean you are but that's not what's wrong with you. You are Bipolar." He explained what that was and I was just in awe. I couldn't believe it. He then told me the bad news. "Since you are bipolar, the medication you have been on has made it worse. You have been basically in a sedated coma but you were still alert." The words I couldn't believe I was hearing. I was so angry. Why did this have to happen? I was put on new meds, but I had to get the others out of my system slowly. Kinda like de-tox. The guy that had called out of the blue wanted to go on a "date." So we did. I was shocked. He was prince charming in disguise and what I had needed for so long. Someone who understood me and wanted to help me. On our second date, that was the first day I had to go without the previous meds in my system. They had taken me off gradually with lower dosages, but this was the first day with none. That night I was shaking and had sweats and all that, just like in the movies but with crack! Haha. After that was over, I got so much better. I finished with two classes and made two B's. Better. My parents were thrilled. My whole family was. And I even had a wonderful man to share it with. I started the semester full force. I was determined. I decided I didn't want to be a part of the sorority anymore, because they hadn't even called to see why I hadn't been around in five months. Ryan and I had even realized that we both felt the same way, we wanted to get married someday. I was on cloud nine! Well, now the present. I have started getting more emotional lately. My midterm grades, all D's. It's not a repeat of last semester. I study ALL the time. I cannot concentrate for anything. I read and don't know what I just read. I take tests and evey question sounds the same. I get behind in my work. But I love class. I love learning. But it doesn't reflect that in my grades. I am at a loss, because with my grades I'll never get into law school. Ryan is always there for me, which I don't think I could live without. I have a doctor's appointment this week and hope that something good will come of it. I am 24 hours from graduation next May and totally freaking what my future holds. Is this all I am capable of? I know I could be a damn good attorney. It's getting that title that scares me. I know I haven't helped you. But this has helped me. This is the first time I have gotten everything out and realized how far I have come. I am bitter for being mis-diagnosed. But I can't dwell on that. I just want to be a happy person again. I am at times, especially my time with Ryan. But sometimes I feel myself slipping again. And this serial killer on the loose isn't helping me! I live alone and seem to fit the profile of his victims. I don't sleep at night and every noise scares the hell out of me. Ryan lives in New Orleans, about an hour and a half away, so he comes when he can and I go there sometimes. But the nights alone are the hardest. Sorry to bore you with this LONG story of my life. Just know you're not alone. At least you're not on the meds anymore! I am taking three pills a day! Good luck to you. And let me know you're progress! And if you find a solution, let me know! Always - Lauren (Again sorry that it's so long!)

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