can't handle life anymore please help!

I just turned 16 on the 1st of november and I was so excited, I thought everything was going to change for the better, but instead everything came crashing down. At first it was all ok i was so happy I had a boyfriend that I really did love and everything was all good until he decided he needed "time", which was ok by me but it could not have come at a worse time. My grandpa ahd been struggling with emphysema for about 6 years and we all knew he didn't have much longer. I was very close to my grandpa I had lived down the street from him and my grandma almost all my life. Grandpa got home from the hospital on nov. 19th and seemed to be doin ok. but on nov. 22nd they didnt expect him to make it through the night. My whole family was there with him by his side that whole night and he made it through the night without any of his meds. The next couple of night all the grandkids took turns staying with grandma and help her with grandpa. The night i stayed I couldnt sleep I just tossed and turned waiting for him to call for help if he needed something. The day before thanksgiving he was pretty much out of it and it was almost like he was in a coma. I stayed by his side until about 12am and then me and went home to try and get some sleep. At 2:22am on thanksgiving my grandpa died. My aunt called to let us know and me and my dad rushed right over there. My grandma was changing his shirt and she was holding him and he took his last breath in her arms. When we got there the coroner wasnt there yet so i sat there and held his hand and kept it warm and all i could do was sit there and stare at him and cry. If i only would have stayed for 2 more hours i could have been there with him. The funeral was a lot harder than I thought it would be. It was the first time I had ever seen my dad cry and it hurt to see all the people I loved and that i was so close to in so much pain. After that all I needed was someone to hold me and tell me everthing was ok but it wasn't the person that was supposed to be their for me was off with some girl. A couple of days after grandpas funeral we got a call from my relatives on my moms side of the family saying that my distant cousin (hes 17 and has lukemia) only had a few days to live. As soon as my grandma heard she went straight down there but she was 20 minutes late. Josh died exactly a week after my grandpa died. I only met Josh a couple of times so it wasn't like he was really close but it still hit me hard. My grandma stayed or the funeral on sunday and she got home around 2pm on tuesday dec. 10th. At around 3pm the same day one of my closest cousins was in an ATV accident. I was in bed sick and my mom called from the hospital around 7 and had told me waht happened and that my cousin Tad didn't make it. I was in total shock I started crying and couldn't stop. I was home alone and their was no one their with me so I just sat on the floor and cried until my dad came home. Me and my cousin Tad were really close when we were younger, we were the hell raisers at family get togethers and he was only a year older than me. Since we've both gotten older we didnt see eachother as much but still seen eachother and talked occasionally. Me and my dad went up to the hospital and everyone was already up their and I look at my aunt uncle and cousin and just wanted to cry but i knew i had to be strong. I gave them all a hug. Tad had died of massive head trauma, he was riding on his ATV on my aunt and uncles farm and he hit a rut in the hill and he flipped and the ATV landed on him. My aunt found him but im pretty sure by the time she got there he was gone already. My grandma had went into shock and was admitted to the hospital. all that had happened in the last couple of days was too much for her and she was completely out of it. I went in and seen her but I couldnt handle it and I had to leave. She was asking for my aunt that had died 11 years ago and my grandpa whom ive never met that had died about 21 years ago. The doctors said she had tramatic amnesia and that it would pass and she would realize what was going the next day or so. Tad's visitation was really hard, I walked in the door and tears streamed down my face uncontrollably and I started to shake, I wanted to leave already. I walked in the room wear his casket was and I knew it was over off to the right but I couldnt look. It took me about an hour before I could go up there and say goodbye. I looked at all the pictures of him and then talked to a couple of people and then sat down by my grandma and mom. The next day at his funeral around 800 people showed up. It was good to see all his friends get up and talk about him but it was the hardest thing ever for me, sitting directly behind the casket and my aunt and uncle. I called brett looking for some comfort after all that had happened and the only thing he did was be an ass about it. I told him about my cousin and he said if he was smart he would have worn a helmet and wouldnt have killed himslef. I didnt talk to him for a while after that. After everthing thats happened both side of my family had to get together for christmas, which was horrible. I sat by my aunt and the only thing that we had fun doing all night was making fun of people lol. I know that sounds bad but anything to keep her mind off of Tad was ok with me, and we both actually had a little bit of fun and I know if Tad would have been there he probably would have done the same thing with us lol. Everything that had happened didnt really hit me until around new years and ever since its been like hell. I don't really sleep anymroe and I stopped doing my homeschool so that means im just like a drop out which is not really what I want at all but I cant do anything anymore I feel drained and I have no energy. Brett apologized to me and we have been talking and he told me he wants to be with me but the like 2 days later he get back together with this other girl, I was so mad at him and how could he do this? He acts like he doesnt even care about me or what im going through. Out of all people I need him the most, Ive already lost 3 people I love I didn't want to loose him too. Now hes single again and we talk but things arent exactly the same but I want them to be so bad. Part of me want to get back together with him and part of me says just to leave him alone for a while and deal with all of this on my own. To make matters worse on feb 12 I have to have surgery on my shoulder and im going to have to wear a cast for 6 weeks. My 21yr old sister who lives at home with us with her 2 yr old is expecting her 2nd kid on feb 16th. I can't deal with all the (censored)that has been going on in a house wear a 2 yr old and a newbron lives and a sister who never stops complaining. I need to get out before I completely loose it, all of this (censored) at one time is too much for me. If anyone has some advise it would be greatly appreciated.

From reading what you have been going throught.. that is alot to deal with, especially at your age it's alot to process and accept all at once. unfortunately I am unable to give you advice that would ease your depression. You are going to be depresst for a long time considering you lost 3 people you loved and a b/f that decided to be with someone els when you needed him.

My advice to you my dear is to go to councling. You are probably reading and shaking your head but trust me ..you are going to need to go to a counclor. I did when my father died last year ..it helped out alot.. Unless you are planning to keep on gathering help over here.

It's alot you are feeling .. its alot you are dealing with. First of all get rid of your b/f-your ex or whom ever he is. Get rid of him.. don't waist your time on him.. all you are going to do is get worked up about it if you continue to stay with him. Trust me I would know! Experiencing guys like that.

Things are not going to be like they used to. With him so there is no point.. you can't change him and the way he is.. there is no point on dealing with him any longer.

To overcome your great depression you must try to keep yourself occupied. Get a job work.. hang out with friends.. so that way the loss of 3 people isn't so great and intense as they are now.

About your sleeping problem that you might want to get check out by a doctor.. its common and normal to experience things like that after a great trauma. They will help you and get you back to where you can sleep.

I hoped I helped at least a little.

~May you get back on track~

Life will get better, things will get better its all a matter of time. Wethere to a year or 3 years.. you can do it.

Hi Lindsay,

I would like to bring over my sorrow over your losses. You must be going through a very difficult stage in your life and all that at this young age.

I find GermanAngel's suggestion a very good one. Counseling does help to straighten out your feelings and thoughts and keeping occupied does releave you from your constant thoughts over the losses.

I wish to add this: some people are afraid of loosing the memories from the once that they love and passed away. That's why they keep thinking of them as much as possible, but at the same time feeling sad, because of the loss. Don't think that way, Lindsay. You will never forget those you love and they will always be a part of you. You will not forget the good times. My grandpa died about 4 years ago. That was a BIG loss for me, too. I still think a lot of him and share all the good times we have been going through.

I hope this helped you some and comforted you some, too. Hang in there, girl ... you can do it, I am sure. Time will heal all wounds. Good luck!

~ SwingFox ~

Hi there, lindsay.

I am so sorry to hear what you have gone through. This is all so unfortunate for you. I have never dealt with death so I am not sure how valuable my advice is, but I have deal with a tremendous amount of loss in my life. I can understand how you feel that you are alone and that things will never look bright. They do. As swingfox pointed out, time heals all wounds. I would also like to agree with german angel that you should seek counseling. I am a product of counseling as well and they do help a great deal. When you feel that no one is listening, they do, and they offer advice as well.

I noticed that you said "if only you had stayed for 2 more hours..." Do not in any way blame yourself. You did not know what the outcome of the night would be and you are not at fault in any way. I know you wish you were there for him but there is no way you could have predicted what would happen.

As far as you ex bf goes, again, german angel is right. You need to leave him behind in the dust. He is careless and uncompassionate. You need someone who will make you feel better not worse. Oh, if only I could talk to him...I would give him a few words. I think that the main reason you want to get back together with him is that you need someone who will comfort you. He did not show comfort to you before, he will not be able to supply this. I think that you should value the people that you do have in your lfie as much as you can and have your friends and family be there for you. I am afraid that if you go back to him, it will only n=be because you are hurt and yet, you will only gte hurt more.

You are on quite a quest, my dear. There is much healing that needs to be done. There will come a time when you will be able to accept this great loss as a loss and also hold the memories that are dear to you. In the meantime, I would try to keep yourself busy with those that you do love and cherish. Maybe it would help you to talk to those that you lost in the privacy of your room. Let out the feelings that you are having, including anger, saddness, happy memories, anything that you are feeling. It may help in giving you a sense of still communicating witht he person and at the same time letting you be able to accept the loss of them. I am so sorry you had to go through such trauma at such an early age. If you ever need to talk, you can Im me, send me and email, or personal messsage. We are here for you and we wwant to help you. an try to smile once a day in the mirror. That has helped me in y worst of times. I wish the best to you.