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Thread: Please I need some advice/help.kind words

  1. #1
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    Feb 2003
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    Please I need some advice/help.kind words

    This might become long but please hear me out and offer me whatever advice that you might have. I am 27 years old, and about a year and a half ago I started dating this girl that I had at the time worked with. She ended up getting laid off from there shortly after, but it was after our relationship took off. She was 22 years old at the time, and was the first girlfriend that I ever had.

    We loved each other so much and our relationship grew tremendiously. We had nothing but great times and spent every weekend embrassed in each others arms and sometimes during the week too. Honestly there was not too much more in a relationship that I could have wanted. We did everything together and some of the best memories of my life where made with her.

    Things wernt going to good for her so I asked her to move in with me into my apartment. She was all for it and things were great for a couple of months. I guess she just fell out of love with me and instead of talking to me about it like I asked her she just kind of started doing her own thing.

    About 3 months after we moved in together, just after a full year of going out she calls me and tells me that she doesnt want to be b/f-g/f anymore. She just needs sometime alone to think about things and not have to worry about a relationship. She said that we could get back together in the future when she worked somethings out in her life. Because of that I decided to continue living together.

    The time just got worse and worse between us. She has a lot of personal problems that were always seeming to effect our happpiness together. I gave her all the time she needed. Today is Saturday, and I found out on Monday that she had been unfaithful to me. I thought that we had an understanding about our relationship but I guess I was wrong.

    On Tuesday I broke down crying in front of her and asking her to leave at the end of the month. I had planed not to tell her that I knew about things until she had moved out, but it just ate me alive. On Wednesday I could not take it anymore and I told her about the anonymous email that I had got and she went ballistic. I took her over her friends house so she could think and she muttered under her breathe that she could not keep it a secret anymore. I asked her what I meant since I had just metioned the email that I got and she didn't say anything. That night she came home and sent me an email and I listened to her cry on the couch all night long since it had been months since we just slept together. Thursday morning I got the email saying exactly what had happened which I respected her for doing even though it was so hard for her to do. She was going to leave that night and came home from work and packed. She tried to call her parents who told her that they would move her that night, but again they screwed her over as they always seem to do. I was the only one in her life that has ever been there for her whenever she needed me. Well she spent Thursday night and we talked about things some important some not.

    On Friday she came home from work and moved all her stuff out without much of a word. She wouldn't even let me help at all. That night I talked to her a little bit online and I feel terrible for whatever it is that I did to her. I ruined her total view of love and she doesn't want to be with anyone every again. She is really going through a lot right now and I feel sorry that she had about the absolute worst week that someone could have. The person that she was sleeping with was close to her family and she lost 2 friends, 2 sisters, and me over everything that had happened. Her family has never been there for her under any circumstances, but I always have been and continue to be there. After she left about 5 minutes later I had already started to feel better about things cuz the hard part was already over.

    Last night I didnt sleep again and I have only gotten like 8 hours of sleep since Monday tops and I am feeling totally drained and stressed out making work that much more harder. When I rolled out of bed this morning all I could think about was what I had done to her. She was the one sleeping around on me, and yet I feel bad for not being her one true love and giving her everything that she wanted. She always called us soulmates and thought that we would be together no matter what and that feeling kind of rubbed off onto me. She had problems and didn't talk about them with me until it was already too late.

    I could go on forever, but I feel that you now kow enough to answer my questions. Should I try and get back together with her even knowing that she doesn't want anyone in her life, or should I just let things go for now and just be there when she needs me to talk to? Am I justified to ask her to leave before I confronted her about what had happened? How do you get over such drama in losing someone who had showed you more love and caring than anyone else in your life including your family? If things were to work out between us could I ever trust her again? How long should I expect to take before the sad feelings and sleepless nights go away? Would you consider it cheating even though we wern't 'going out', but living together looking to reconsile? I don't have many friends and the only way I know to ask these questions are message boards/forums so anything you say will be taken seriously. Thanks for listening.

  2. #2
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    You did well...

    Hi heinzster,

    First of all I congratulate you on making such a hard decision in your life. I would like to support your decision of asking her to leave. She has been unfaithful to you and that was totally uncalled for.

    It looks like that she is not the best communicator and I don't think that will change in her. That doesn't necessarily need to be a problem. It just means you might need to help her a little. After all communication leads to a better understanding. I am sure you know that, because that's what you actually have missed. However, I have experienced that at least 50% of the popuplation don't know how to properly communicate, so that means it can't be really a bad thing.

    The real issue here is, though, wether you should try to get back together. I can tell you that this will be a BIG job. Before you do, you will have to find out what has been on her mind the past few months and what actually made her being unfaithful to you. Was it something you said? Something you did? Something you didn't do? You really need to know that to close that chapter. Even from then you will have trust issues with her for a certain period of time and wonder. I think it would be fair to tell her that in advance that you will. I would tell her that she really would need to reassure me once a while and to stay calm if you ask a question, which might show that you are worried or even may be a little jealous. It WILL take time to trust her completely again.

    If you plan to get together again, you also have to work on that communication. My way would be by telling her that she can bring up ANY issue she wants to talk about and that you WILL listen at all times. Ask her to tell you RIGHT AWAY when she has a worry or a problem, instead of waiting and adding up. If a person adds up too much, they get VERY frustrated and angry. Emotions are blocking from real good communication then. So it's better to know right away.

    I hope things will work out for you the way you planned it to. Should you have more questions, please feel free to come back here and share with us.

    Good luck!!

    ~ SwingFox ~

  3. #3
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    Some Advice...

    Heinzster,

    I have had a similar type of relationship. I have also had friends go through this type of thing.

    My advice: Get far away from this woman!

    You should cut her off. She has betrayed you. She is immature and not honest with her feelings. If you take her back, she will only do this again. She will use you until she finds someone else to latch on to.

    You deserve better. Take some time for yourself. Build your confidence. Move on. You are young and have many opportunities to find the right person. Be confident in yourself and the right person will come along.

    Postman

  4. #4
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    has anyone

    has anyone if told you that you seem gay?

  5.  

  6. #5
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    Hey, Heinzster. To me the whole thing almost soudns like one big soap opera. Anyone can offer advice, but you still have big decisions to make. In my opinion, I would keep in touch, try to remain as good and active friends, and see how you feel about eachother after these times have worn off. See if you're into any other relationships, too. If not, and you're able and wanting to get back together, I'd say go for it, but before you do make SURE you've established and talked about future communication between the two of you.

    Good luck, and let me know how things work out, man.

    Btw, Knightbear, you don't belong here, and it's not funny.

  7. #6
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    Feb 2003
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    after reading

    after reading everything ...made me think he maybe gay ...was not wanting to be funny ..so if i hurt anyones feelings .....im so sorry...you know theres nothing wrong with being gay


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