Worried about her reaction.

I'll be leaving my wife later this month. Although she know all is not right between us, and she suspects I want to leave, this will hit her as a surprise. My concern is what this will do to her. We have no kids. She has no friends...seriously...not one friend. She hardly ever leaves the house by herself. She has a sister, but she is not a very strong person either. My wife seems to be already going thru some type of mild depression. She was crying for no apparent reason this morning. She said she feels sad but doesn't really know why (although she suspects that its a combination of starting to go through the "change", seasonal depression (here in the great snowy north) and the fact that our house is a bit torn up due to a repair project that is taking longer than expected.

My counselor says I can't be responsible for her happiness, which i know is true. When I tell her I'm leaving, I plan to call her sister, and also recommend she see a counselor (although I don't believe she will).

I feel guilty as h3ll for the upheaval I'm about to throw at her (even though she is greatly at fault). Is there any thing else I can do? I'd delay leaving, but it seems like there is always something she is upset about.

I'm afraid she'll do something stupid when she hits bottom.

Why does life have to be soooo complicated?

Your therapist is right, and although you know this to be true, this is the key component that you need to take into account. Her happiness is not your responsibility. You have done what yoou could in the relationship and although you care for her, this situation is no longer in your hands. I do not want to sound harsh in any way or uncompassionate, but your own happiness is what counts. Maybe you could arrrange for a counseling appointment for her and it will be totally up to her to continue. You cannot save her. I know this is hard and you care and have invested time and energy into this relationship and of course, it is easier said than done, but you need to look out for yourself at this point and leave her life to her, as you lead your own life. I hope you find your way...you are on the right track!

Hi,

I am impressed that you come out here with your problem. I can totally relate to how you feel. But I am with Mermayd and I agree to her a 100%. The only obligation YOU have in life, is the obligation for YOU to be happy. If YOU are not happy, you can never make someone else happy.

As Mermayd pointed out: if you plan to break up, you have gone through a whole lot, I am sure.

Good luck!

~ SwingFox ~

MIGHT I ASK WHY IT IS HER FAULT THAT YOU ARE LEAVING?DID SHE CHEAT ON YOU?IF SO SHE DESERVES IT.IF NOT,THATS PRETTY COLD,YOUR VOWS WERE FOREVER..THRU SICKNESS AND HEALTH......ARE YOU LEAVING FOR ANOTHER WOMAN?

I'm leaving for a variety of reasons (see postings elsewhere on this forum). Part of it is she is an alcoholic, who, when loaded, turns mean and attacks me, both verbally and sometimes physically. I can't tell you how many times after she has finally passed out, I've laid on the couch grinding my teeth and telling myself "no more." I've also learned that I don't like her as a person anymore. I hate her when she's drinking, and I don't like her anymore when she is sober.

Marriage vows are two way. I don't remember saying it was okay to hit me in the face. I am not leaving for another woman, but I hope to find someone who is my soul mate. I have had a "sexless" affair, which ended recently. I have no future with that other person (she's married with three kids) which is why I ended it. We are still friends, but that's it. But that did open my eyes to how wonderful other females can be. My wife and I do not have very many "joint friends" because my wife doesn't like people, so she pushes people away.

All that said, I still worry how my wife will take the news. I've been responsible for her for many years. She is actually very immature...she never had to grow up.

It's a tough call. When you realize you are not in love with someone anymore, the relationship is over. And you have the right to pick up the pieces and move on the best way you know how.

As for your wife, perhaps this will be a good thing for her too. She will learn how to be on her own again, totally independent. It is difficult to predict (without knowing her) which way she will go -- if she will be stronger without you or if she will let her alcoholism dull the pain. Either way, you need to get your own life back together.

One suggestion I have is that in addition to suggesting counselling to her, you might want to make yourself available to her as a companion even after your split. Perhaps offer to go to counselling sessions with her and remaining friends with her despite your drifting apart. You and her sister are the only ones she seems to be able to trust. Even if you no longer see her as the one to go through life together with, you are still an important figure in her life right now. I know you probably still care for her a lot and would not want to see her self-distruct. So maybe the two of you can try to work together to get both your lives back on track. She may no longer be your soulmate in your eyes, but the two of you can still be a source of mutual support in the other's life.

I hope all goes well for you.