Toughest decision I've ever had.

As posted on the "divorce for men" thread, I've been struggling with deciding to end my 19 year marriage. I started thinking this way during late nights when my wifes drinking episodes caused major fights (sometimes physical). I used to always tell my self things will be better tomorrow, and they would be...until the next episode. But in the last few months, I started to tell myself that I can't keep living like this. Most of the time things are "cordial" between us, but no romance, no intimacy, and from my viewpoint, no fun. Sex only happens when she is loaded, but not so loaded that she's mad at the world.

Started to have an "affair of the heart" with a wonderful lady I've known for 12 years. No sex, just a very close friendship and some kissing, etc. Her role in this is I think she's shown me what a wonderful relationship could be like. Or is it the grass is always greener on the other side?

Been to several counseling sessions and have meeting with attorney in 11 days. While things are currently calm and friendly on the home front, I believe I've made up my mind to leave my wife. The counseling is helping me think this through, as has the book mentioned in previous post.

Still this seems so strange...we're not fighting and things appear normal. So I feel guilty for planning to leave. But in my mind I really feel like I don't have strong feelings for my wife anymore. And the drinking is still there. I just can't see faking my way through a relationship for the rest of my life. If I'm not happy, isn't it unfair to her (and me) to stay? She knows something is wrong, but I haven't sprung this all on her yet. She'll be shocked, but yet she won't.

By the way, I've cooled it with "the other woman". Haven't seen her in about three weeks. And I'm glad. I need to be clear on my decisioning. And I'm ratcheting back my feelings for her in the process. She's a great lady, and I wish she were available, but she's not and I don't want to cause her family and her relationship to be wrecked because of me. I wouldn't wish what I'm going through on my worst enemy.

I still can't believe I'm going to leave! This is the hardest decision I've ever had to make. I one moment, I'm going to turn the world of two people completely upside down. I can handle it, but my wife has no friends and her family will be of no help. She has no job, no skills, not even a lot of interests. That's what is so tough. If she was a strong, independent person, this would be easier. Don't know what anybody out there can tell me, but any thoughts are appreciated.

man, it sounds like you have your head skrewed on just the way it needs to be! You are rightt, it is not fair for you or your wife to be involved in a marraige that you need to fake your feelings thorough. And life is too short to be unhappy. You have found someone who can satisfy your needs and you have a clear enough head to not get too involved with this other woman and to hold off on things so you can know exactly what you want. I really congratulate you. I think you are on the right track. You have tried what you can by going to counseling and saving your marraige but when the love is gone, there is not much you can do. I think that you need to talk to your wife about this, maybe in one of your sessions. Dont spring it on her at the last minute. Tell her asap but be prepared for another episode. But it is better than to keep it from her. I hopeeverything works out for you

Hi,

I have read your post. It IS a sad thing to end your marriage after 19 years. I admire your decision for not seeing that other woman for three weeks and to have a real good cool off period, so you can think straight indeed. My compliments on that.

I think you have done everything you could to save your marriage. Staying in this longer does not make you happier. I live by the rule: "The only obligation YOU have in life, is the obligation for YOU to be happy. If YOU are not happy, YOU cannot make someone else happy."

Yes, it might be possible that the grass is greener at the other side. But why not give it a try? You don't have any satisfaction in your current relation/marriage. It would be unfair to you, not to try and see happiness for you. Like I said: "You have tried everything". Her having no job/skills/interests shouldn't really hold you back from breaking away. She has done that by choice. I think you would have been open minded enough if she would have wanted a job or do something. Obviously drinking is all she wanted.

I am sorry to give you this perspective. I just wanted to share my vision with you. I hope it helped some in your tough decision and I wish you good luck.

~ SwingFox ~

Thanks for your feedback! Yes, I have put a lot of thought and time in to my decision process. I haven't been around a lot of people who are divorced so I don't have a lot of first hand experience. This just seems like such a drastic step. And it seems that most couples just continue with their marriages whether they're happy or not....like they don't have any options (obviously many do it for the kids).

Mermayd, I haven't revealed this to her yet because as you indicated, I can expect another episode. She's been prone to violence before, so I don't want to be there on the receiving end. That's probably why I'v put off leaving for so long...because I was afraid she'd wreck the house, or go out and wreck the car or something. I see a lot of "Betty Broderick" in her and it scares me. That's why when I leave I'm going to a residence hotel in another city.

I feel like I'm married to two different people: one would appear fairly normal to all outsiders (quiet, shy, etc.), the other is totally illogical, selfish, obsessive and alcoholic....with a volatile combination of a thin skin and a hot temper.

Jeesh, I don't know how I stayed this long. Thanks again! Wish me luck.

In my original post to you I was debating if I would suggest you go elsewhere after you tell her this news. I decided against it because I am afraid that if you will leave, she will not have any control or anyone pleading for her to stop, and that she may very likey hurt herself...or worse. If possible, I would suggest you do leave but arrange for someone she feels close to to come over when you call them. That way she is not alone. And she will have someone there to protect her from herself and the house...

Thanks for bringing that up! Thats exactly what I plan to do. The closest thing she has to a friend (my wife has become very non-social) is her sister, so I planned to call her immediately upon leaving...even if her sister is working and tell her to come over immediately and be with my soon-to-be-ex-wife. Unfortunately I have little confidence in my sister in law from a support stand point. But as my counseler points out, I can't stay married because I'm afraid of my wife's reaction (counseler says I'm the co-dependent type).

I'll also strongly urge her to seek counseling her self and visit AA. But she won't take advantage of either. I feel thats all I can do.

See why this is such a hard thing to go thru with!?!

Thanks for your support! This site has been very helpful to me.

Well, it's been a while since I've been on these forums, but here's the update. I'm going through with the separation tomorrow. I may still chicken-out before tomorrow morning, but right now that's my plan. After thinking about for the last few weeks, I came to the realiztion that the only thing stopping me was my concern for how she'd react and the upheaval it would throw into my life (and hers). These aren't a basis for continuing in the relationship. I talked to a few guys about marriage in general (they don't know of my strife) and I was amazed that many admitted that the only think the keeps their marriages together is they don't want to lose 50% of their assets. I was shocked. Its amazing the people who are "content" to have a shell of a marriage for the remainder of their lives.

Still, I'm very uncomfortable with this decision. I'm frankly scared to death. Not of is it the right thing to do, but how stressful it will be to go through it.

I was reading a book on this subject the other day and it asked an interesting decision point question: Would you be comfortable if asked or forced to renew your wedding vows? My answer is an easy no.

So why is this decision so har to go through with. I guess, as my counseler pointed out, I'm a "conflict avoider", and I guess I'm about to create the greatest conflict a person can go through.

Any words of wisdom?