please help me, I'm near rock bottom

Although I have helped some, that doesnt mean I am that well off. I believe I have fallen into a depression. It has progressively been getting worse. I was seeing a therapis that I had been with for some time and she warned me of it, and to see a psychiatrist, but my parents don't believe I need to be medicated. Very old fashioned. Maybe its for the best that way, anyway because I have been known to be very dependent on drugs nd alcohol, but I have been sober for 8 months now. I am scared that even if I were to agree to meds that I would become addicted, it has happened before on a few occasions. Right now I am struggling because I have moved away ffrom home and have not made any friends. I had only a few when I left home that I sorta keep in touch with but I had only a few..and they were more of aquaintences to me at that time. This friends thing is really bothering me. I feel very lonely. I live with my bf and that is fine and good, except, he spends most of his time at the computer. I suggested a movie for tonight and he said ok but he got too involved with the comp. that he forgot. This sort of thing has been happening on a regular basis, and it doesnt quite make me feel any better about being lonely. I feel that I have become more of a presense than a person and it hurts. speaking of my bf, another issue that has been in my head is that I dont think he is over his ex gf. He refers back to things about her all the time. Memories are fine but it seems like I see this happen more than 3-4 times a wekk. it makes me think what is happening that I'm not seeing? How often does he reflect on their past rel. when I dont look? He has explained to me that he does this because it reminds him why he got out and what mistakes were made on his part that he doesnt want to make with me. This was fine, until today. He wrote her a letter to send off with some of her belongings. I suspected, and now know that in the letter, he has basically stated his apologies, but more-so, he wonders what could have been. This truly irritates me and when I confronted him about it, he refused to talk or show me what he was hiding that he claims is "nothing".

I also have been very upset that I have lost my ability to draw and write, although I DID write a poem today. I dont feel llike I have anything to be proud of anymore whether it regards my hobbies, my bf, my looks. Everyone looks better than me, thats how I have been feeling. Im not proud of anything that I am

I have just been feeling very lonely, insecure, unhappy, insignificant, heartbroken, and used. I cry everyday. Sometimes without a reason. I have never felt the pain in my heart that I am experiencing now. Plus I have been having frequent anxiety attacks that last hours. I am constantly holding back the tears that well up in my throat. I dont know what to do. I am so tired of feeling this way and it seem that the more I try to get better, the worse it gets. Can anyone give any advise whatsoever? I feel like Im not far from rock bottom. Anything please...

heart pounding

wild thunder

Thoughts race

against the speed of sound

where am I going?

My body stands

without a motion

yet I have traveled somewhere else

I am not liked here

Nor is it to my own content

Where is that place that I used to hide?

the one that I fear to return to

to the naked eye

I am relaxed

entranced in my own thoughts

yet the truth stands

chaos frantically

whips and scrambles

through my veins

gushing and spurting

from a scarred source

that has begun to tear

again.

Hi, I can totally relate to you. I have fallen into a deep depression and I hate to admit it, but it's all over a girl. If you want to hear my story, look at the post. Please reply!!

It sounds like you are a very good person that's just having a hard time. It'll be okay. As for your bf, dump him, if he likes the memories of his ex so much, tell him to go back to her. It'll hurt for awhile, but it's the right decision. Or if you really care for him, ask him who he wants more, you or the ex?

It's very easy to get down, sometimes I look in the mirror and feel and look worthless to myself and everyone else. I'm sure you're a very attractive girl and that there's a better guy out there waiting for someone like you.

You will make and lose friends your whole life, they come and go, but if it really bothers you, go back home and try to get back on a better basis with the ones you miss.

I am on Welbutrin for depression and it really sucks to be taking medicine for something that doesn't hurt. My ability to draw and write is fading. It's really hard for me now, but I wrote a poem too, for a good friend's birthday card whom I also like(read about her in my post).

Beautiful, Sweet, loving, and Kind

Is the way I describe her

In the best words I can find

Knowing her is

The highlight of my day

Being with her is great

In every single way

Having her in my life

Has been interesting and fun

I've enjoyed it so much

I'll be sad when it's done

A number of problems

Will always fill our past

But that doesn't matter

We'll be friends to the last.

Seeing her smile, Hearing her laugh,

Of all the things

I love about her

Those aren't even half

This Wonderful girl

Isn't perfect or even close

But there's no one I'd rather be with

Than her the most

mermayd43,

I want you to listen to what I've got to tell you very closely. I'm going to try to help you solve some of the things that are bothering you. I want you to know that if you want to talk, I'm here for you. Contact me and I'll give you my ICQ number, my e-mail, anything, alright? Now you've said you feel lonley, and that your boyfriend is still unclear about how he feels for his ex-girlfriend. You need a change in your life mermayd. You need something new to focus on. I don't know why you moved away from home, and how far, but I think you should think about finding a new interest. A job, a hobby, a friend, anything. Work would offer you the chance to meet new people, who could be your friends. Getting together with people who enjoy the same things you enjoy would offer you the chance to find friends you can relate to better. I always felt that we interact best with the people who grew up near us, they usually went through roughly the same things we did. Maybe you should find yourself a coffee shop near to where you live, and make a habit of reading the newspaper down there at such a time every day. You might meet people there as well.

About the anxiety attacks...well you should definitely go see someone about that. Tell your story to this person, and mention your past addictions. There are medications out there that are addictive only psychologically and only if used for a long time. I know this because I am treated with some for anxiety about combat (a long story). This person could make sure he doesn't give you enough for you to cause damage.

First thing I want you to do though, is just go out and find a place you're comfortable in. Not many do this, drive around, think about where in your city, not many people go to. Find a garden, a hill outside your city, some place you can go and look over the city and be alone. To think with yourself. Go there whenever you need some time alone. I think, that without the distraction of watching your boyfriend on the computer all the time you might even consider that maybe he doesn't treat you like you should be treated. No one deserves being there to take someone else's place. I think he isn't over his previous girlfriend, honey. I think he's using you. I hope I'm wrong, but that's what I think.

I want you to contact me for anything. Anything at all. I'm here, and I'll help as much as I can.

Hope you feel better.

Good luck.

^-touch-of-heaven-^