Jealous? Help!

Greetings

I am a mid thirties guy. I have dated a lot of women. But I have only been intimate with my present partner, and she knows that she was my first. We have dated for just over a year.

But I am really at emotional rollercoaster with this relationship. All 3 of our major arguments or disagreements have been over past boyfriends or relationships in her life.

She has made it a point of always talking about who she dated. We would go places and she would say " I guy I dated brought me here", or " A guy I used to date did this or that". We had a major discussion about it and she had stopped doing this somewhat. I have rarely talked about who I have dated.

We came back from a pre-marriage relationship in which I thought we were creating a bond. But the first thing she did was get on her computer and look for IM conversations with a whole host of guys names that I saw listed. She says that she doesn't talk to them anymore. But then she came back with, " I need to a shoulder to cry on or male friends to bounce ideas off of if you leave me or we break up?"

We argued about a past boyfriend that called her house late at night and she claimed that she couldn't stop him from calling. This was months ago.

Now she says its okay to remain in contact with ex-boyfriends she has been intimate with, even though we are together. She claims that even though they broke up, whatever she found attractive in them is reason for her to remain friendly on a regular basis. A lot of their contact is via IM.

Over the holiday, I went to her mom's house for dinner. And her mom knows that we have been dating for a year. Am I crazy to think that she is needling me when I find a photograph---- of my girlfriend and one of her exboyfriends in an embrace-----right in my direct eyesight by the dinner table?

Am I jealous? Have I allowed myself to become jealous? But was has angered me is that my feelings have been hurt in each of these incidents. She claims that she loves me dearly and this has been her best relationship. (She is also a divorcee) I love her dearly too. But I don't feel comfortable. And it is so hard to break away.

Hi.

I can't be that much help to you as I don't have any magic answers.

I can tell you that you're not alone.

I know how you feel, and I think I would react like you given the same situation.

But I'm sure in time you will both feel more secure in your relationship, and you will both be willing to compromise a little, until you feel good.

It's natural for you to feel like you do. Don't beat yourself up about it. Just try hard not to get swept up in emotions, yell and fight. Try instead to be as calm as you can when you talk to your gf about these things.

I hope some other people out there who have some more practical tips on this, for you and for everyone.

I just so identified with how you feel that I wanted to share with you, so you won't think you're crazy jealous.

You just have certain needs and expectations that your gf does not quite meet in this area. I'm sure if you love each other you will work it out.

And I know it's hard, but always try to stay as calm and rational as you can, and not get dragged into hurtful arguments. (Not that I'm any example, but I try... )

Good luck... I hope to hear more replies to this as well.

Hey, I'm younger than you, so I may not be much help, but I want to try! I recently dated a guy named Dennis. I was experienced; he wasn't, like your situation. He had about 3 girlfriends before me, but didn't get intimate with them. I used to mention ex-boyfriends a lot to him, so it was weird when I read your post, because she sounded a lot like me. I think I did it partially to make him jealous, and partially to make him stay with me. I figure that if he felt like I was "wanted", he would realize how "lucky" he was. I used to talk to my ex-boyfriends a lot online, and make it a point to bring it up to him. I don't know if your girlfriend is doing this because of either of my reasons, or one more than the other, but I would ask her- just casually. Don't interrogate her, because that will most likely just make her bitter about the subject. Just ask her, "Do you mention other guys to make me jealous, or is it for another reason?" See what she says, and if she says she does it to make you jealous, just explain to her that she doesn't need to do that because you already realize how amazing and wanted she is.

I wouldn't worry about the picture at her mom's house. My mom has a picture of me and an ex in the living room, because she says that I should keep all of my "memories". I keep trying to take it down, but she always puts it back up.

Mayeb you are jealous, but I think that if you ask her (please don't argue!) why she does this, the situation will become better for you. Communication is the answer to all problems, but don't make a problem into a fight! Don't break anything off until you have talked to her. Good luck!

Hey, curtillyle,

I don't know how much help I can be becasue I don't have much experience in your type of situation, but I have just a few things to think about:

Are you assuming too much? Don't think that jsut because she mentions her ex's it means she misses them and still has strong feelings for them, it may just be that the thought happens to pop into her head when she goes someplace she's bbeen before with someone. This is natural, you dont completely forget what you did with your ex's.

Are you over-reacting? I'm assuming your reaction to this communication about her ex's makes you initiate the argument. Depending on how open she is, consider simply asking her what made her mention that. This could help you to understand what brings back these thoughts, don't just assume it's something bad like regret or something, find out before you flip. She may just be a big communicator, and whatever comes to mind she just says.

You know her much better than I, so it's just some things to consider.

Good luck, let me know how it goes!

Your friend, Brian.