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Thread: What do I do? I'm so confused! Help!

  1. #1
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    What do I do? I'm so confused! Help!

    This may be a long post so for anyone out there, please stick with me.

    I've been in a relationship for 3 years and a month or so. I had met my girlfriend the early years of high school. She was a year younger than me. I'm now 19 and she is turning 19 this February. Things had been pretty rocky the first year because I had some friends of mine that didn't like her at all and made fun of her for being fat. I don't believe she was because looking back now I couldn't believe they did... Well worse came to worse and I chose her side and left those friends behind. That was the beginning of our good relationship.

    We shared everything together. I would visit her everyday after school, the weekends, and everything. We did everything together. All the other girls I knew said I was the "perfect" boyfriend. I cared more about her than anything else in the world. I could care less if I got ran over by a car as long as someone else survived. I would go shopping with her, take her to nice diners, to the movies, on trips, and everything in between.

    I spent a large amount of money on her between those years, but these last 5 months have been all down hill. I can start here.

    I started going to College about a year and a half ago and that's where I think things started to change. I now go to college at Cal Poly San Luis Obispo which is 160 miles away from her. I felt so bad that I had to be this far and I wanted to make our long distance relationship work. I ended up sneaking down every weekend just to see her. I would spend 20.00 on gas to get down there just to sneak into her house and spend the weekend with her. We slept next to each other. It made me feel so special. She was such a wonderful girl. She gave me money when I needed it and put money in my account when I came down. She was the best person in the whole world. I did what I could to make her happy. I would buy her clothes, take her out to Golf n' Stuff, and just be with her and help her with things she had trouble with. She isn't the best English student so I would help her write her essays and sometimes even write them for her.

    Let me zoom up till about Dec 1 of last year... We had been pretty rocky... We were enveloped in each other our whole relationship... We didn't have many friends outside of us. Then she found some new friends. It was a little bit frustrating because I was upset that no one cared about me, and the only time she would get home was 2am. I was in bed by then, and then she would get upset at me for callling at 9. She had never been that way before. Sometime around there I found out that one of the guys she was hanging out with liked her. And we were at my house and she asked me how I felt if she dated two guys.... At first I was like WTH?

    I think that started a lot of problems... I said I guess it's ok... I felt that my 3 years with her would be able to overcome anything... I was dead wrong... When she wasn't talking to me, my mind ran on what she was doing. I told her that she had her bounderies and she knew what they were. I don't know why he wanted her so bad? I found out that he did give her a kiss on the cheek... I was a little bad upset at that and told her that she had broken my trust... I think I got a little too over obsessed I started prying into what she was doing and who she was with... I think Ibecame somewhat of a ...

    The worst part came about a week after... I was so afraid of my situation. I was failing classes in college, and a week before she had mentioned that we needed some space... My life was falling apart and I made an emergency trip home just to see her.... At this time we had no phones... I showed up at her house around 6pm... If you remember correctly. she would be home at 2am??? I knocked on the door and saw her parents.. .they had no idea where she was or where she could've been. I finally got into contact with her and found out she was having dinner no more than a block from my house. I went there and this guy was there to keep her company I didn't mind... It was close to 1 am in the morning... I dropped him off, but then she wanted to go in... Not even talk to me. I had driven 160 miles to see her and I couldnt get a word... She said she felt bad for sending me home and around 2, let me in to sleep in her bed. I left the next morning so things wouldn't get supsicious.... I think things turned for the worse...

    That week I had decided to get a new cell phone. She was alittle upset because she had wanted one... I promised her we'd get one and a day or two later, we went to ATT and got her a brand new phone with a service of 1 year... Guess who signed the dotted line? Me... Yep me.... Biggest mistake of my life... I thought the phone would keep us together. It didn't. It was off, or dead, or some combination of the two... I started getting frustrated and saying that she should turn on the phone... Then one nite i was a little bit tired and she was bored... It was 8... she said she'd talk to me when she got home but she didn't... I waited till 10 and no calls... Then I call accross her street and find that her car is there but no one's home. I freaked out because I thought maybe something had happened to her...I spent the nite on her doorstep waiting for her to come home. I gave up around 12:30am... She got home and was upset I had waited for her and said it was none of my business where she was... She ended up going to dinner with her friends and her phone had died. It always seemed like the phone kept "dying."

    Now I don't want to dwell on this but we did have a intimate relationship. We did everything... Unfortunately she did something I enjoyed... I almost became addicted to it, and sadly I begged for it sometimes... Now everyone thinks I'm some sick B%##^#D.... And your right. It was the biggest mistake of my life... I can't believe I let that happen.

    Well about 5 days after buying her the phone. I told her that I was tired of her not caring about me and ignoring me. I told her that if I was so important how come she would never call me like she always use to? I told her that I wouldn't love her if she was going to ignore me. I said something to the tune of "Well it's me or him" Who do you care about more? Well she made her decision that nite and left me, I had no clue she had... I got a call from her on the 14th of decemeber right before a really important final of mine. I asked her if she loved me and if I could be with her on xmas vacation... Then she said those two awful words. "It's over."

    I didn't know what to think, my whole world ripped apart and my test score was a depressing 45%... My teacher emailed me in repsonse as to what the hell happened... I was the highest grade in the class to that date... And what's worse, no more than a week after leaving me, the new guy asks to date her and she says yes... Then tells me that she can't take me back because she's with him. And they seem so happy..

    I don't know what he has that I don't. He doesn't have a car, no money, no job... I don't know what he has besides being good friends. She says that money isn't happiness and she's right. But everytime we were together she always asked me to buy her things and I never thought twice about it... It was sad to see her walk out of my arms and into someone else's.

    She says that the arguing and me begging was the reason for the breakup and that it was somewhat degrading to her... I can't believe I did this to her and I realize now what I did... I'm so sorry for it but there's nothing I can do... She still loves me for the person I am, but not in the same way she did before... I don't know what to do...

    Now I'm stuck in this rut that I need help.... It's only January and the phone is going till nov... I don't know what to do. I want to pay the 185.00 and get out of this hole and forget about the phone. She really wants to be my friend... But I think it's because sh needs me. I said that I would cancel the phone so that I wouldn't call her. She said if I canceled the phone I was just being mean and cruel... I just think her dad won't let her sign up again... Also since I'm in college, she assumes I'm the smartest one out there and asks if I can revise her essays for her english class. I don't know what to do! If I help her and give her the phone, she'll never contact me again. I'm not sure if she wants to be good friends, or is just using me to get what she wants.... It tears me apart to think of what they might be doing together and how I want to be back for her.

    I'm a sorry bastard... I tried buying things to get her back, and leaving voicemails and text messages... I've lost it... I can't get over her. I've tried so hard through X-mas... I bought her a X-mas gift, 50.00 watch. She loved it, but didn't get me a thing. She invited me to go see a movie with her and her new bf was there. They were holding hands and leaning on each other... It made me sick and I left... It was the biggest mistake I ever made.. She didn't give a care about how I had felt...

    She tells me the main reason was because of the begging... There's nothing I can do to fix that except give it time. But should I be her friend? I'm not a social person and that's my problem. It's extremely hard for me to date, and everywhereI go, I seem to be looking at people as "would they want to be with me?" Then I start comparing to my ex. And it's horrible... I don't know what to do.. I'm afraid if I don't help her, she'll tell my mother about everything we had together including sneaking down on weekends without telling her... I don't know what to do. I don't want to get in trouble but at the same time she hasn't been a friend to me at all. I still take her to movies, buy her dinner, and she asks me to help buy her clothes... Why doesn't her bf do it? She says he has no money... And money isn't everything yet everytime we were together, she always forgot to bring money. Last nite I came down and asked if she would see a movie with me. She agreed but I got caught in traffic and we went for dinner. I payed for dinner... then found out she only had 2 dollars anyway... and forgot her wallet... I ended up paying 15.00 for movie tickets and we enjoyed the movie. It was nice to see her smile and laugh and how beautiful she was. I wanted to hold her hand at times but I resorted to just rubbing her shoulder.... She tries so hard to be firends because she knows I'm a good person. But I can't be back. She hasn't helped me at all, and just seems to yell the more we talk. People tell me to let go but I feel bad putting her in a position where she will fail without me....

    What do I do? If I don't help her, she'll fail for sure. Her boyfriend isn't great in english and he has his own issues. None of her friends are willing to help. I mentioned a few but she said that they have their own life... It struck me down because it made me feel as if I didn't have one... If I was stupid and bad in english, she wouldn't bother me about this... But she speaks the truth about failing... And I hate to see people in trouble.. Also she is irate that I would cancel the phone and has resorted to calling me names and yelling and saying that we'll never get back together. There is some piece of me that wants to hang on so bad... I don't know why... I feel that I was perfect in everyway except for those things. I want someone to share my life with but I think moving on would only hurt her... She moved on and it hurts me... But I hate for something to happen to her... She says that she'll forgive me if I keep the phone and help her... She says that maybe down the road we might meet again and try... She won't marry till 25.. she's 19... but I don't want to wait and find out... I have this sense of urgency... I don't want to go through life wondering if she willbe with me...

    My mother has been my biggest help. She says to stay away. Let her miss you. LEt her see what she left behind. I try so hard to do just that, but 3 days later I find myself calling her again. I've been such a . I'm almost harassing her.. I call numerous times, leave a ton of text messages and e-mails. I just can't seem to let go of her for good... She's such a wonderful girl, but I don't think she wants to be real friends. I don't want to be used.

    I get out with friends and it makes me feel better, but the minute I'm alone, I can't stand it... I cry... A lot... and I normally don't cry... I look at pictures, think of what could've been... I was going to give her 1/2 karat diamond ring I had saved money for... Yes I know it was expensive, but this is the girl i wanted my life with... Sadly, now it sits in a crimson box in my bedroom. I can't do anything with it, I can't give it to a new gf... it would take 3 years before I could do that...

    I have all this stuff I wanted to give her. It's all in a box in my room. Sadly with no one to give it to. It's not worth selling the ring... Too many memories behind it. But it made a fat dent in my budget for this year. I incurred alot of cc debt over her.. and I'm working now to pay it off.

    If anyone can help me... Please do... Should I be friends? Or just ride off into the sunset? I changed my phone # so she can't call buit I find myself calling her over and over again.... Should I stay and help her out, or just tend to my new life at college? I don't know really what to do. It's all my fault we broke up. I've changed now, but it's too late because she's with someone else. She says if he wasn't there, we might try again.. Should I wait for her? Does she really want a future wiht me? I don't know... and it's what keeps me sleepless at nite...

    I've gotten almost suicidal the last few days... I've fallen asleep at like 2 in the afternoon just to get away from it all... the other nite I almost felt like running my car into the guard rail and into opposing traffic. I've been getting help from a counselor, but it never seems to ease any pain. I would do anything to have her back but I can't... please help... I'm not suicidal anymore... I feel I need to get over her... sHould I leave her in the dust and let her fail? Or should I be friends so I can win her over?

    I also forgot to mention that this guy is a year younger than she is. I'm 2 years older than him. It makes me wonder what he has to offer. But I've been such a bastard that he was there to care for her, and I did things I regret... Please help anyone with ideas... I don't care if you have to kick me when I'm down... I've been through it with counseling... I don't like bothering friends to talk about this... Please help.. I can't go on like this.

    My AOL SN is aSLOLearner for anyone who wants to contact me directly... I just need help. And I read a lot of posts about people just like me. This was my first gf, and just like the Elvis Costello song, "I never want to fall in love again." Getting Ready for a First Date

  2. #2
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    You know the answers

    From what I read in your post, it sounds to me that you know the answers to your questions but aren't ready to admit it. What will make YOU hppy? You don't need to worry about what will make her happy, she obviously isn't concerned about trying to please you. I think your mother is right and you should listen to all the advice she has to offer and seriously use it. Ride off into the sunset. This girl is using you and you see that. You can't let her have everything she wants, she will never learn about life that way. She is getting whatever she wants from her bf and anything she is missing she gets from you, and what do you get in return? Pain. Long nights of crying. It is understandable that you ache over this and it is a normal healing process, but you aree only causing youself more pain if you stay involved in her life in any way. Cherish the memories and move on.

  3. #3
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    thanks

    It nice for someone to finally reply... I know all the answers and she makes it clear... You should I just get rid of the phone then? I don't care much for what she wants, but Iknow she'll come runnng back when her new bf doesn't care or won't help. She's a very dependent girl. I want to let go but for some reason can't. I say to myself that I'm better off alone... But then I find myself calling her 3 days later because I'm so upset. I get out to try to help ease the pain, but lonely nights only bring it back... It's just hard now because I look at things the wrong way and I take rejections more to heart than I used to. I have no idea what happened to the girl I fell in love with... She changed in less than a month...

    I guess the bottom line is, I should just ride off and leave her to be. My question is what do I do if she comes back? I'm not saying she's going to. But what do I do if 3 or 5 years down the road she's single and calls me? Do I give her another chance? Or just say "You had yours."

    That's what I'm worried about. I'm afraid that when she realizes what she's lost, she'll come back to me and cry... And it'll be hard to take her back.. my family was close to her and her parents see my mother everynite dancing, so they are somewhat still involved... HEr parents are extremely upset because they had a "potenital son-in-law" with college eductaion, whereas she doesn't.... Her parents are upset because the guy she's with has no aspirations whatsoever...

    Do I even think about giving her another chance? Or should I just find someone else? And if I do, should I even answer her phone calls or anything? She wants to be really close friends, asking me if I found anyone or what I'm doing? Is she keeping tabs on me? Making sure I'm not seeing someone? Do these signs mean anything? It bugs me not to know what's going on.

    I think I'm doing much better now over the breakup, but I don't understand any of the signs she's showing me as a friend. It's as if she says, just wait a while... I want to try someone else for a bit and then will see. I don't want that... BUt should I just cancel the phone, and change my number???

    Ps... She has a lot of things of mine. She has the key to my house but refuses to give it back. She has a lot of my clothes and wears them all the time... She wears a keyring around her neck I gave her that has school stuff all over it. Is she forgetting about me? I have no idea... Maybe I'm just an idiot and can't let go of these feelings...

    If she wasn't dating someone now, I probably wouldn't feel this bad. But thanks for replying. It's nice to know that someone else cares. I figure my best choice is to get rid of the phone, change my cell #, block e-mails. And let her find out what she lost... My biggest concern is if she returns... I wouldn't know what to say or do.... I'm fine with leaving her, I'll be at college anyways... Should I just stop all communication whatsoever? Or is that too extreme? Should I ever be friends? Thanks everyone

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    I think you should let her keep the hpone, but it is up to her to find a way to pay for it. it isn't your responsibility anymore. You did it for her to be nice and it ws a gift and she was going to use it to contact you. You arent together anymore, SHE is not being nice, and she is avoinding contact.

    When she comes running back, you tell her that you didn't appreciate the way she was being with you and she had her chance. Stay strong. IF you don't she will only hurt you again.

    Yes. you NEED to ride off and let her lead the life she chose to lead. You can't stand in the way of that and you sincerity is being taken for granted.

    I wouldn't een consider giving her another chance if I were you. She totally missed out and you and her parents were there to illustrate that for her but she still refused to listen.

    She wants to hold onto you as a friend only to use and abuse you. You can't allow that.

    She can't refuse to give it back to you. You could take it to court at that point. I know you dont want to but tell her parents or something. Im sure you can get it back eventually. She NEEDS to return the things you ask for.

    You are not the idiot here. You just need to be strong and not let her walk all over you.

    I would just change your email. I wouldnt go as far as changing anyhting else. If she wants to email you, let her but dont become weak. You have the right to reply or not reply at you own discretion. If she can prove to you that she is worthy of a friendship, I'd say MAYBE. But I wouldn't expect to. good luck!

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  6. #5
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    You need to let her go. From what I've read it sounds like she's using you. Yes, you need to ride off into the sunset. Those who dwell in the past will be left behind in the flow of life and time. Dwell in the present and in the future instead so that you can see what lies clearly infront of you and what will be ahead of you. A man who always looks back does not know the direction he is going and thus will run into things.

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    Hmm....

    Thanks everyone... it's been a real help. Today I will see her one last time. She agreed to give me back some of my stuff but claims things like cd's and stuff I gave her and they aren't worth fighting for. The thing that hurts the most is the jewelry I bought her...

    I'm going to see her today about the phone. I'm leaned more toward the side of canceling it. I shouldn't have to put up with it at all. That's the only reason I feel she keeps me around. So why not cancel it? If she's a big girl she can start her own service. She's over 18. Why should I keep it running. If she wants to contact me, she still has my apt phone # up at college. She has my e-mail and my aol SN.... she has plenty ways to get in contact with me.

    The reason I lean towards canceling the phone is it would be one measure in helping me not to contact her. With her phone number in hand I get tempted to call back and apologize and cry.... This way, I have no idea of her #, and I could only contact her by calling her house which is wrong right now...

    As far as the essays, forget them. She can fail for all I care. I may have been an ass and that's the reason she probably left me. But I don't think she has the right to break up with me and then have my friendship. I just have to tell her that she can't have it both ways. If she wanted to be friends then she should be in the real relationship. I won't date again because i give 110% to anyone I'm with.

    It was really hurtful to see her move on so quick... Last night we were supposed to resolve the phone issue and said she would call that night. It ended up being a text message saying "Can we talk tomorrow at 12?" 2am in the morning Go figure...

    Well I'm probably going to be leaving back for college today. So Thanks everyone for all the help. I think I've got a good assortment of tools in my arsenal to explain to her why we can't be friends and that she had her chance. I'll be posting again, I just need advice on what to do now... I'm so lost and I don't mind getting out and doing things Ienjoy but I feel as if I'm doing it only to meet someone... And it tears me apart.

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    I say cancel the phone. It is on your credit so if she racks up a huge bill and doesn't pay for it, you're screwed. In regards to the other stuff... you're a good guy and shouldn't have to work this hard. Walk away and don't look back. If you're not social, learn how to be. You're in college. It is the best place to find women. Just try and make friends with a bunch fo them. Good luck.

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    Yes. I know the phone is in my credit. Her father is paying the bill each month. That is why I think she is upset. she sees it more as a business deal... So as long as she pays for it, she should keep the phone. Should I still cancel it then. I've made up my mind and am not looking back. I told her that she can't have me writing essays for her or even looking at them...

    I asked her if she had asked her new BF to edit them. She says she did "and he's too busy" to write them. Does this sound like BS to you? I'm in college with 16 units and she only has 12 at a JC. She's been calling a few times begging me to help her out. She says that I should help her because I promised I would when we were together...

    I just need one last thing. Should I just leave her in the dust and not say anything? Or should I reply and say no. She was upset that I mentioned that she's coming to me because he can't provide that. She was really upset and then preceded to tell me that he's twice the man I was... Phh.... And he can't revise an essay... She says he's too busy and important to bother with essays... It makes me laugh. The guy has no college aspirations and somehow I'm not sure why he won't help her... I don't want her coming back to me.

    I went against some of your advice. I did change the phone number for my cell. The only way to get a hold of me now for her would be through e-mail or AIM. Or to call my apartment. Do you think ignoring her will get her to go away? I keep calling her to tell her to stop bothering me about everything but she keeps annoying me with reasons why i should help. I changed my cell # because of that. Should I just ignore the phone calls and let her take her rage outon my answering machine? I'm not looking to block phone calls, it cost me money I don't have. Or should I just say no each time? I'm confused... I don't like her coming back to me unless she wants to be with me. But not even I feel that I can give her that chance..

    What is the best way to make her go away and leave me to be? Even her new bf doesn't like her talking to me. But still she goes against his will to ask me about the essay. How do I get her to let go of me... She says she has let me go. But she's keeps holding on and bothering me about the papers... What do you guys reccomend I do?

    thanks to everyone out there. You guys have made this much easier on me than It has been the last few days. I did mention a few things you said earlier and they seemed to impede her advance... She went silent as I went though those things... She didn't come back with any good remarks... she resorted to the childish stage of "I'm better than you." You were that great anyway...

    It just makes me laugh when she expects me to be a friend and then does this to me. And when I ask why... she says "You know I didn't mean it." Oh well... tomorrow's another day...


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