Low Self Esteem, Jealousy, Trying to find resolution

I'm 19, I'm married, and I have the lowest self esteem I know of. It all started when I was about 15 or 16 - I was quite skinny, not anorexic though. My mother and doctor thought I was "purging" or I was anorexic. Every week I was transported to the doctor, the hospital, for hours of evaluation and testing. I have always been a big eater, but never put on the weight. It was my metabolism that kept me skinny, but did anyone listen - No... This you must understand, was a stressful scenario for me. This went on for a few months. I met a guy when all this was happening. At this point in time, I had a good self esteem - I knew I had nothing wrong with me or my weight (of about 95lbs). I was happy with my appearance, and no jealousy problem at all. Then as the testing and "probing" went on, it started getting in my head that something could be wrong with me. Finally it all took its toll on me - they [mom and doctors] finally got in my head. Also around this time, my father committed adultery and left my family so my mother of course thought that I would be purging or starving myself over this - but I wasn't. I was tired of their [mom & doctors] accusations and tried to fight all of their testing, but finally I lost the battle when they [my mom & doctors - ppl of whom I'm supposed to trust] got me to believe something was wrong with my appearance. I started to question my appearance in the mirror. I stopped having female role models and friends in my life for fear my boyfriend would compare me to them. I could actually see an ugly figure when I looked into the mirror. I started feeling like I needed to stay with my boyfriend 24/7. I went everywhere he went. I despised girls flirting/trying to flirt with him. I just had suddenly felt low, ugly, not wanting to be alone, etc. I stayed with him for 2 years, and struggled with my problem. All he could tell me was "Deal with it". I needed more than that to help my problem. It grew progressively worse. Throughout those 2 years my boyfriend had developed a violent temper of which I couldn't deal with anymore. I was always afraid to leave him but finally I did. I met another guy - much better than him. We spent all our time together and that is what he wanted too. We have a perfect relationship, except for me still having my low self esteem and my jealousy. It's hard for me to accept that he finds other women attractive. I know my jealousy derives from my low self esteem and all that started from my "weight problem" my mom and doctors thought I had. My jealousy causes conflicts. I know he loves me, and I know he doesn't want anyone else, but the thought of what other people do would anger me. I can't control what they do and I know I cant be mad at him for their actions. I'm trying to cope with these feelings. I'm not sure I'm doing it the right way though. However I find it hard to look at myself and admit that I'm beautiful. I'm not sure if it's that I really don't know/see it, or I'm just afraid to admit it or that I'll be narcissitic/big ego, etc. I'm a very modest person when it comes to my appearance or my accomplishments. I want to be able to feel beautiful and actually believe it. I think that if I can do atleast that, I won't feel so inferior and like I have competition in this world. I can look outside myself and see what I'm doing wrong and where it has all come from, my problem is knowing and believing that I'm perfect. I believe that will lower my level of jealousy, hopefully.

That is the main reason for my arguments with my husband. He's definitely more supportive than my ex. I guess that is all I was wanting to say for now - I feel more organized and all now that I've typed this out and hopefully will get some replies! Thank you for reading this, it really means alot to me!

Wow, I felt like I was reading something I wrote. I have been (and am still fighting) practically the same situation. I have had a weight problem and my mother and doctors made me feel worse about my image when I was perfectly content. And now I am trying to hold back my feelings of jealousy with my boyfriend because I know that htey are more my own insecurities than anything that I actually have to worry over. Or at least I keep telling myself that...

The only real difference I can find in our situations is that I am living with my bf, not married.

I don't have any advice to give you but I just wanted to tell you that I am and have been in the same boat. I would appreciate any advice anyone has to offer as well....

Well I'm not just some genious but wanted to say if You feel OK as You are doesn't meter is it overweight or underweighted if Your health is relatively ok than don't think what others talk...

When I was Younger everyone told me that I am too fet and that I have big breasts..(well I'm a boy) so I was depresed about it especially at the beach ...my nickname ? it was Yogurth yap i was white too... so what ?now I'm perfectly happy with my 'white' skin and well normal weight but all frends told me and all of them were wrong! It is important that I respect and love myself as I am...and then others will do the same...

Those who not? Who cares it is their problem not mine...

In past I was a lot listening to other opinions...maybe I still do...but my opinion on this is if I feel good it is ok others opinion doesn't metter...

It takes a long time to fix an esteem and jealousy issue. Trust- I know. I have the same problem but for different reasons. I love my boyfriend and know in my heart he would never cheat on me, but I'm always suspicous- always jealous. It's hard. But I try each day and I guess the only thing that will fix it is time and "corrective thinking."

Also, it helps when my boyfriend lets me know that he thinks I am beautiful or hot or whatever. His confidence in me and my looks, give me confidence. His words help me and give me more self-esteem.

I dunno what the purpose of this post is... I just thought it might be nice to know that you're not alone.

Hang in there. Honestly, I don't think it will ever fully go away, but I'm pretty sure it gets better.

Best of luck.

all these posts seem to say the same thing dont they? and none of us have solutions, dont you wish someone would create a self-estem pill because I have exactly the same problems minus the weight thing, I have very low self esteem and whatever my bf tells me only helps for that second then its gon and I am back to square one. I am pushing him away by getting at him all the time and I need some help b4 it gets too late?

Fingers crossed for all of us that someone has some healing words for us?

kirsty x

Nearly every word that came out of your mouth sounded like my own. I am really happy for you that you found a great guy for you. My jealousy is driving me crazy, but it helps so much to go onto this site and read stories that are SO similar to my own. I have no solutions for you, or for myself, but I wanted to say thank you for your post, because each post I read really makes me realize that there are great people out there who are going through the same problem as me, and I think it is wondeful that we can help each other.

hey there, I think it is helping me already to realise that I am not the only person in the world with this 'problem'. I don't think it matters how good looking you are, or how much you weigh - its all to do with how you feel about yourself. I would consider myself (without sounding big headed) to be fairly attractive and have a slim figure, my sisters always tell how beautiful I am and so does my fiance.

It just does not make a difference, there is always in my opinion some girl/woman with bigger breasts, a cuter smile, a sexier figure or something that I don't have and I end up thinking I should have those things. My fiance says to me, why would he look else where when he has perfection already, he says he'll always compare people to me and they would never match up to me' he also tells me he loves me , that I am beautiful and lots of nice things. So what is going on? I seem to having a perfectly happy relationship, loving and strong and yet I get so wound up sometimes with jealousy it pulls me apart inside, I feel sick and can't not breathe until I have cross questioned him about everything. If only there was a magic pill you could take to stop these feelings occurring life would be so much easier.

There is one way, I went to do hypnosis and did learn some controling techniques, it didn't solve the problem but it did help control it. The Hypnosis taught me which I will share with you all to try.

When you feel the jealous feelings, sit or lay down and close your eyes, concentrate on your breathing. Picture in your mind one cloud in a blue sky, the cloud size would depend on the size of the feelings you are having. Now try and pinpoint where the hurt is (when I say hurt - there is usually a bad feeling inside you) try very hard to imagine the hurt as something you can see, I usually picture it as blue smoke running up and down my body but it can be anything you like.

Once you can see the pain inside you as a real thing rather than just a feeling (the jealous feeling) you can get it out of you. Try and imagine the object (hurt/pain) moving upwards towards your throat, upwards and upwards, when it reach the top open your mouth and let the object (hurt/pain in my case the blue smoke) drift out of your mouth and float up into the cloud in the blue sky. The idea behind this is that you can do this with all your worries, push it into the cloud and away. Don't let it upset you anymore. Once you can see it away from you you may beable to make more sense of it.

It is worth a try, and has helped my sometimes from just getting jealous and then cross questioning my fiance, this way I am controlling it, and not letting it rule my life.

It is all about control and feeling good about yourself, I am going to make an extra effort because if I don't then I could lose him through my own stupidity.

There is no answer and that is why there are no healing words for us, when I went to the councillor, I did it because I thought it would help, but I just felt she didn't understand at all. I stopped going because it was just making me worse, talking about every jealous feeling I had had that week was terrible, it was like re-living those feelings again.

The ONLY way is to control the feelings, it will come with confidence (if only I could take my own advise!).

good luck to you all.

It's been awhile since I posted on here and I'm still going through the same stuff. I take it in spells - sometimes I feel good and that I look good and then other days I'm just down in the dumps.

The jealousy is still happening but I think I'm learning to try to keep my emotions/actions under control. I really get upset whenever like we're watching movies and there's always gonna be a naked woman in them. That really upsets me and I start feeling hot headed, shaking, heart beating very rapidly, sweating, nausea, crying (sometimes). I can't stop these feelings, but very very slowly I think I'm doing better at this, but not sure if the feeling will go away. Stuff like porn pop ups don't bother me but movies with nudity do. I feel so bad for upsetting him when I develop these emotions and have no way to express them without him getting angry. It's happened so much I guess that he doen't have the patience/temper/understanding for me to vent it out anymore. I have thought about hypnosis but I'm uneasy of the thought of someone controlling my mind, hehe. I guess because before I was 18 I was forced to see a psychiatrist (when my father left my family, they thought I was having a difficult time.) Of course when I was forced to see a psychiatrist I rebelled. My husband says things to make me feel good (ie: beautiful, loves me, don't worry about other women) but when stuff like the movie thing or whatever comes up, it is hard to control how I feel. I also wish there was a magic pill, because I'd take it in a heartbeat, lol! Thank you for your suggestion for the hypnosis idea - I will definitely try that. I'm open to any suggestions to help me and everyone else with this problem. I'm glad that I atleast know where my jealousy is deriving from - low self esteem. I just don't know how to lift my self esteem up, hehe. It's sort of hard to put away the feelings and think about happier things when I'm feeling all those emotions I get when I'm jealous but it's definitely worth a try!

It makes me feel better that I'm not alone in this world with these feelings, and I hope that together we can help eachother out on this!

Wow, when I read your message, it made me remember so much stuff, like being really small and thin for my age when I was about 13, being called a stick, not putting on weight for ages, being measured and weighed constantly etc. I ate loads and wasn't anorexic, but people must've thought I was. I think maybe that did have a bad effect on my self-esteem. Now I'm an okay weight but really struggle with insecurity and jealousy (see post on "Jealous of his ex"). I too always want to be the only one my boyfriend fancies, and hate the thought that there are always better looking people around. I've always hated my nose and that's the focus of my insecurity.

When I did that relaxation technique, it made me realise that when i get jealous, its more a sadness that comes over me, a sense of failure, not so much a 'jealous rage'. Today I actually cried when I saw how beautiful my boyfriend's ex girlfriend is. I just felt really helpless and like I was so ugly and worthless. It wasn't about the thought that he may cheat, it is ALL about my own low self-esteem. I don't know why, I don't wanna sound big-headed, but I'm intelligent, q.pretty, generous etc...yet I have incredibly strong feelings of low self-esteem. My boyfriend knows this and is understanding but still looks so hurt when I get jealous.

I'm considering counselling. Any advice/personal experiences?