I've Got Issues

Hello, I am a twenty year old male, currently enrolled in art college, and living with my parents. I am single, have never had a girlfriend, and have never had sex. These issues have been concerning me lately. I know that I am not homosexual, for I have confronted this issue seriously many times, and definitely find myself attracted to the opposite sex.

I think that I have only recently become "attractive", though I am aware that looks alone are not sufficient for success. I also have overcome most aspects of my shyness, and have gained more weight and muscle. I have been observing that girls notice me, and are attracted to me. I receive signals, sometimes subtle, sometimes blatant, yet I have great difficulty in responding. I can feel the attitudes of girls toward me. I know that many attractive girls find me "sexy". My problem lies in myself, my own incapabilities, insecurities, and fears.

When a girl that I am interested in is approaching, I become nervous, and try to avoid eye contact. When a girl looks at me, I usually fail to look back, and shut myself away. When a girl talks to me, I do not catch on fast enough to the possibility that I am being hit on. I certainly feel that I am good at communicating, but only when I am not depressed. I sometimes believe that it is useless to try, or that the girl does not really like me and is just messing with me, or that it will be some other guy to succeed with her. I just have this overall sense of being defeated before trying.

My dilemma is that I have been experiencing difficulty in exercising my patience and perseverance. On one hand I feel that I want a girfriend, yet on the other, my confidence that it will ever happen is very low. I have no real friends, and I feel lonely when in a state of lowered consciousness such as I am experiencing. The trouble is that my issues are countering my efforts to reach higher consciousness, and I think that I need that higher consciousness to deal with my issues. This is creating a negative pattern in my life that I am finding very difficult to overcome.

I would appreciate advice that anyone has to offer, or links to sites relating the same problems that I have expressed. Thank you for taking time to read this post, it is much appreciated.

Hi, I have a firend who is in a VERY similar position that you are. The only advice that I can hope you will choose to take is to overcome your fears.When you notice yourself not making eye contact or being withdrawn, change it imediately. Nobody will look down on you, believe me. It won't be taken in a negative way at all. Try some flirting techniques when you know a girl is the least bit interested. Touch. I don't mean fondle or anything like that but a touch on the arm, leg, shoulder or head would give her stomache a flutter. Smile alot. Even if you don't think you have much to smile about, just doing it will raise your spirits and make people interested in you. I am sure that if you exercise your self confidence, everything else will fall into place. Walk aroud with your head held high and KNOW that you are as damn sexy as those girls tell you you are. Don't dwell on the negative, that is what is lowering your self image. If you remind yourself of all of the positive things that people tell you, your confidence will build. Don't be afraid of what will or won't happen, just do it, take a chance.

Hey there,

I understand how you feel. When I was your age, I had a similar problem. Low self-esteem and insecurity was my part. Why? Hmmm... pestering in school does that to you. Now, I am the opposite of all that!

My advise: see talking to other people (especially girls) as something fun and practise! The first time is the scariest time but you'll find more confidence in time.

Good luck ... and have FUN!

~ SwingFox ~

Confidence, must have confidence! No risk, no gain.

Just relaz and dun be so tighten up when the girl approach. Dun think so much, about what's gonna happen. Just let nature take its course. Worrying solves nothing. Tell yourself that, just relaz and dun be so serious or worry so much.

Dun always have to be bgr, just friends is enuff, when u get to noe each other better, it isn't too late ne?

Just relaz and dun worry so much, things tend to solve by themselves if you take things in their stride

It will be okay, as long as you expose your self to social situations, small or big it will get easier. Even talking to guys will help, yes it sounds funny. But if you keep a positive, assertive attitude around guys it will actually help you talk to girls. It compels people to want to be around you. It's like an upward spiral, I know this...I have been there. I was 120 pounds when I was 18, at 6'1" I looked disgusting. People gave me hell, I ate fine. I just had an unaturally high metabolism. Because of the way I felt on how I looked my personality was just awfull too. A long story short, I am now 190, and it's mostly muscle. I get way more attention from girls, but it's not just how I look, it's also how I act. I am still a little shy, but I force myself to go out and force my self to talk to people. Even people I woudln't normally have any interest in. I tell myself everytime something scares me or makes me nervous to say, "screw it". As once stated, "there is nothing to fear but fear itself". I know it's easier said then done, but it can be done and must if you want to break from your shell.

I'm 25 and have faced (still facing) simliar problems to what you have stated.

I am shy also, and know about the feelings of anxiety and being scared of women. I avoided them all through high school, because of just being plain uncomfortable when around them, or just exhausted afterwards if I talked to them (good looking girls doesn't help at all). Nowadays I am much better, but it still requires an effort, and not one enough at this point in my life to bother with. I also do not have any friends outside of work, but mostly as a choice, as my social life at work is pretty good, and thereforeeeeeee I don't feel all that guilty if I come home and just crash on the couch. I get my social fix at work, but afterwards, I need to be by myself to unwind, because for me hanging around people tires me out somedays, but not always. One difference is, I don't often get lonely being by myself, so I rarely feel depressed.

Here are some good tips to overcome anxiety:

1) Avoid excess sugar -a stimulant

2) Avoid caffeine - a stimulant

3) Avoid alcohol - a stimulant

3) Get exercise (you probably hate gyms, so join a sport or go jogging, help confidence)

4) Self Talk helps when you feel like your head starts to get cloudy, just start thinking about the good things

5) Try to do one thing each day/week that you wouldn't normally do, to get out of your comfort zone.

6) Join a class or something that you are good at

7) Stop What-If thinking - this will cause exhaustion

8 ) Find people that you can talk to - they don't have to be your best friend, but someone that is easy to talk to

9) No more negativity - look on the bright side. Stay away from people who always complain and have nothing nice to say. - Stop watching the evening news, and get outside once in a while.

I hope that helps in some way. It's important to become comfortable with yourself, and once you do, you'll become more confident and you'll be surprised how far that will get you.

gonzo

Hello again. Thank you all for your positive input, I appreciate it very much. I have some more comments and questions that I would like to share.

I feel that you all have touched on a central issue: self-esteem. For the past few days, I have been observing myself as objectively as possible, and have witnessed the manifestations of my weakness. Simply observing something though, even from a purely objective viewpoint, does not solve the problem. I am sure that the only I can do is find a way to overcome the problem, and implement it.

A question for gonzo: do you suggest also that I eliminate masturbation? If so, what are some reasons why? If not, why? Is there a difference between masturbation and "real" sex? If there is a difference, what do you think it is?

I invite any one of you to answer these questions. I feel that several opinions are better than just one.

I have also realized that I should not rush to find a girlfriend. I feel that doing so may result in unhappy circumstances. I have to ask myself if I really want to have a relationship right now.

I also realize that I probably should not impose myself on anyone. I have gotten better at feeling, and am attuned to the vibes that people emanate. This allows me more clear decision making possibilities.

Also, I know that a relationship based purely on sex is highly unstable. I realize this because, upon masturbating, my whole sexual drive vanishes. It rejuvenates, yes, but that fact alone would probably not make a relationship any more stable.

Do any of you have any insights into what makes a stable or unstable relationship?

I have an idea, but there are certainly many things that I do not know.

Thank you all again for the information that you have provided, and look forward to hearing more.

Yo dude. I'm probably in a worst situation than u interms of being shy, and what not. (in 2nd year biochemistry... no time for nuthin') Hell I don't even have friends (it is my birthday today, and guess what I'm doin! LOL

But anyways, my advice is: Yes, u CANNOT be objective towards urself completely. U are an individual, and that makes u special. But u have to realize that strangers understand u only in terms of social conventions, like eye contact and what not. U just have to follow them. And I think the people before me said everything there is to say about these.

My last advice is, drink! if all else fails. Just drink a little beer. And work hard, watever it is that you work on. Work hard, and at the end of the day, drink (not too much). It's not the ultimate solution, but it may get u a good job or what not. Good luck!

May I ask if you have at least one close friend with whom you can share these sorts of thoughts and questions? Or maybe just having a close friend to share other thoughts with. Sometimes the self-confidence comes from just feeling close to another person (not necessarily in a romantic context). I never felt attractive all throughout high school and I avoided eye contact like you did. But having a best friend that I related to helped a lot. He was a closet gay so he was never in a relationship either. And even though we didn't directly draw attention to the fact that we weren't in relationships, the friendship itself was something very positive in our lives.

As for the self-esteem and outgoingness, I think you just need to change your environment. You mentioned you were in an art program. Do you see the same group of people everyday? If so, it would be a good start to get to know some of those people a little better (male and female) outside of school. They already have something in common with you -- they all have an interest in art. It's a good beginning. Maybe you have some other interests outside of your school agenda. Why don't you try meeting others who enjoy the same activities as you (ie. gyms, community groups, etc)? I think interacting with others on casual social settings will help with socializing with people in general.

As for masterbation, there is no reason to stop pleasuring yourself for fear of adversely affecting how you approach girls. It is something you do for yourself, not for the benefit of another. And yes, even though there is a difference between sex and jerking off (ie. the sensations are more intense during sex), it doesn't mean you should deprive yourself. Wanting sexual pleasure is natural, even if it means you have to do it by yourself.

Overall, I think you need to be happy with yourself first and foremost. Maybe this doesn't even have to be to the level of being totally confident with yourself because we are always improving upon ourselves, constantly changing for the better. But at least be able to see positive qualities within yourself and know that there are people out there who will appreciate those. Also realize that those people may be few and far between but when you do find them, they will mean so much to you. So relate to people they way you know how and the way that is most comfortable for you, all the while knowing that you have something genuine to offer them.

Good luck with everything.