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Thread: cheating and need help...

  1. #1
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    cheating and need help...

    I have been married 10 yrs now,the last 5 really bad.But i have never even thoufght of cheating even though we have had a completely sexless relationship for 3 yrs.By this i mean no touching,kissing,holding hands ect...Now about 3 months ago my husband decided we were no longer together,just living in the same house because of money and the kids.I have always stayed at home and will be starting collage in the spring so i can get a decent job.After hubby decided we were not together anymore he started going out and not coming home sometimes all nite.When i would ask him about it he says its not my buissness.So a few months ago he went out and my sister offered to keep the kids.I went out with a friend where there were about 60 people .I met a very nice man there and we ended up spending the nite since my friend and i were both drunk.I slept in this guys bed but nothing happened,he knew the situation and was a real gentleman.Well i visited him several times and we have done nothing but kiss.He makes me feel so good about myself and just told me today hes in love with me.My husband also decided he wants to work things out and has really been triing.But i just dont feel anything for him anymore.I know all people put on a good front when first meeting someone and i really dont know what to do.I honestly dont love my husband anymore,this man has made me realize at least that,but i couldnt make it without him since im in school.I dont think a furture with this other guy is in the cards either since he doesnt make much money(money isnt inportant but nessasary to live and for the time being im not working)but he seems like everything i want in a man.Hes a nondrinker(my husband aN ALOholic)and hes very big on family values,we really have alot in common.I know if im not going to leave my husband the affair needs to stop but i just dont know how to give him up without going back into my bleak,depressing lifestyle.Just the thought of living without his compliments and friendship hurt me a great deal.What can i do?

  2. #2
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    The answer is "write"

    Lorrie,

    There is a lot going on in your head. I suggest to put all that on paper first. Make a list what makes you stay with your husband and think of reasons why you'd leave him. Do the same thing for your friend that you are seeing, too. Then prioritize everything and the solution will be right there on paper for you.

    On top of that, I have two more thoughts for you:

    1) Is your hubby trying to work things out and succeeding
    -- Alcoholic doesn't sound too convincing to me

    2) You might have answered your questions
    -- "going back to my depressing bleak lifestyle"

    Then my rule of life: "The only obligation YOU have in life, is the obligation for YOU to be happy. If YOU are not happy, you can't make someone else happy". Happiness beats everything.

    Questions? Let me know!

    ~ SwingFox ~

  3. #3
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    Lorrie

    This is a great forum. Lorrie, you are not alone!

    You and I are in exact same situation! I have similar posts in the "divorce for men" and "falling for best friend" threads. I love the woman who was just a good friend. We crossed the line a few months ago, but she has kids in her marriage and actually still loves her husband. So I know that relationship won't go anywhere. What a shame.

    I wish I had some advice for you. My first thought is you may need to put your school work on hold and make your decision on your marriage. Its not fair to continue the way you are, probably not healthy either. I'd encourage you to talk to a counseler. I am next week. If I "discover" anything in counseling that may help you, I'll let you know.

    Hang in there kid! I know how isolated you probably feel, but you're not alone. We're all here to help each other.

  4. #4
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    cheating

    Been there, done that. I am a 30 year old woman who was once married. I cheated on my husband and it's the worst thing I have ever done! At the time, it seems like fun... it's exciting, sneaking around, having new experiences with someone new.... But please, think about your spouse! Would you want your spouse to do that to you? If you don't love him or her, get divorced, then you can be with whom ever you chose but cheating is wrong and it's very hurtful and shameful especially when your friends and family find out. You will lose lots of friends over it... Is it really worth it?

    Obviously, if you are cheating, there is something wrong with your marriage. You have two options, stop cheating and try to fix the marriage or GET A DIVORCE... cheating shouldn't be an option!

    I'm not judging you or saying anything bad about you.. because I did the same thing....I just want you to think about it before you do it and if you need help, seek counseling... Hope everything works out for you!

  5. #5
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    thank you all

    for being so nice in your replys. I agree with all of you and im just so confused.My husband and i have had many problems over the years and i stayed mainly because of the kids who are 7 and 4.To the outside we are a good family,we rarley argue but also never show any affection for each other.We have been sleeping apart for 3 yrs now because of my weight gain,hubby says.Now all of a sudden he expects everything to be great again and he has been wonderful.But i just am not into the relationship,to much heatache has happened.But i think i owe it to my children to at least try again.How can i let go of my feelings for this other guy?And how should i tell him its over?The reason for the school is because i dont want to have to stay in this marraige,which is how i feel now becauise i couldnt support my kids on my own.So school is very inportant to me.

  6. #6
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    Marriage Conflicts

    Love can be very difficult.

    The problem that you are facing is quite confusing from your angle. But let my try to enlighten you on some things.

    There is a syndrome called 80/20 syndrome.

    Let's use your situation for an example.
    Your husband represents the 80%. His hurt that he has imposed upon you. All the negative things that he has put upon you represent the whole feeling of this 80%.

    All negative.

    Not it's very important that you realize that this has no feeling of good memories, the time you have spent together, happiness, or any positive feelings.

    Now the 20%.

    This is from your new friend. Now in your words he is family natured, supports you, seems more loving and you both have things in common.

    Again on the opposite pole, you are only focusing on the good things of this man. You have not mentioned anything negative except that he cannot not financially support you.

    The danger of this common relationship trap is that it will fool you or rather you will fool yourself into making a bad and dreadful decision.

    Think this through. You have a history with your husband. Marriage is meant to be forever. I'm sure you know that. So why not another chance with your husband? Use all the tools. Seek out a counselor. Discuss your issues with one another. Determine conflict resolving issues.

    Please take a moment to think. Don't act on haste.

    Try to work your marriage out.

    I'm sure things will work out for you; you'll make the right decision.

  7. #7
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    a sign

    i asked god to give me A SIGN AS TO WHAT TO DO..i was supposed to meet my friend tomorrow because he had a 3 day break from work and god has spoken loud and clear..my van broke down yesterday so now i wont be seeing my friend..to me thats a clear sign to end things before we got sexual...i have not contacted him in 3 days.should i contact him at all?he called our mutual friend several times looking for me since he doesnt know where i live or have my number.should i tell him its over?i feel bad for him because i know he cares alot for me and hes all alone yet i have my family..but im worried if i talk to him i will be tempted?

  8. #8
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    As for your friend...

    I'm sure Lightingbird will have better advice than I, but I'd at least cool things off with this other guy before you make a mistake and to give you time to think clearly. This takes him out of YOUR decision process. Tell the guy you want a month of no contact, so you can work out your own decisions. If he's a decent human, he'll respect that. Please don't keep seeing him because you're afraid he'll be lonely. That's not you're burden, and not a very good reason to stay involved with someone. He should develop more friends to help himself.

    I'm following the above advice myself.

    Hope all works out.

  9. #9
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    LORRIE32 - READ THIS!!!

    Lorrie32, I went to the book store seeking some information on how to decide what my own course of action should be in my marriage. I found a book called "Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay" by Mira Kirschenbaum. It provides a great set of questions to ask yourself to help you through the decision process and guidelines for what your answers are telling you.

    I'd be interested if any of the moderators have ever read this book, and what their opinions are on it. I haven't had time to read it yet (and I'm not sure when or where I will be able to read it) but I skimmed every page, section, question and guideline. IT HELPED ME!


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