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Thread: help need some feedback!!1

  1. #1
    Join Date
    Jan 2003

    help need some feedback!!1

    I am 42 year old mother of 2 kids 21 yr and 12 yr (still at home) I have been with my husband for 26 years We have had many problems and separated when my oldest was 7 We did not receive counseling and just got back together 1 month later I chalked it up to mid life crisis he was 30 she was 18. In the past 14 years I learned to trust him again and never even imagined that he would cheat. There have been many problems in my life and I have had to deal with the death of my sister, nephew to suicide and my father to cancer. We sort of lost our ability to communicate and he did not know how to handle it so he began to drink more. I haven't been really happy for a long time (admitting this since the breakup in denial prior to the breakup) I just figured we were going thru a rough time and everything would fix itself!!!! Anyway New Years Eve at 10:30 pm home alone relatives had cxxl party plans with us and I was telling my husband the exciting New Years plans I had for next year (dinner out and dancing etc) He looked at me and said I won't be here I have found someone else and I am leaving you I have not loved you for 2 years and you knew!!!! I felt like I had been stabbed. I had no clue he had stayed out a few times with the (guys---too drunk to drive home) I believed him and never ever thought he would run around again. I never begged him to stay but I cried asked why and how he could live here not loving me and making plans for the future he said he was trying to make it work and she was not the reason for breaking up
    He left the next day at noon our kids were not here and I was lost so I drove to my moms When I came home a few hours later there was a message from my sister in law and we tried to figure out who the new woman was I went to investigate and found his vehicle I came back home and called her back to tell her and she informed me that my daughter had called her looking for me and had already went to the new womans house, freaked out , punched the woman tore a strip off of her father and was at home. So much has happened in the last couple of days and I am very confused. My husband came here on Saturday and said it was a mistake he loves me and wants to work things out He knows it will take time, I dont know if i can forgive him or ever trust him again or even if I want him again How can someone say mean hurtful things and 3 days later try to take it all back???? Is he doing this because of the kids reaction(realized how much they cared or because she dumped him until he deals with his kids or just wants back in the comfort zone of familiarity I am very confused I don't know if I even want him back and should I do it for the kids sake?????
    It felt really good to type this out and get it off my chest I need help and feedback please

  2. #2
    Member Shy_Guy's Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2002
    If you think getting back together with this man for kids sake is the right thing to do, I believe you're misguided. The daughter has already shown her feelings in a very dramatic way. If he could ever find himself in the position to utter the words and perform the deeds he did this past weekend, then he cannot be trusted to take out the garbage, let alone be faithful to you, and have you and the children's best interests at heart. I can only speak for myself, but I'd rather be alone than involved with someone with whom I could not trust. Living every day with a knot of dread and uncertainty in the pit of my stomach even if he were to call and say 'I have a flat tire, I'll be late.', and really have one. What level of REAL trust is there? One mistake, I could forgive. Unfortunately he's shown a propensity for this behavior.

    I could even boil this thing down to a VERY crude and basic level. If he can If he's been with someone else, and isn't using a condom, you're exposing yourself to his dalliances, assuming you're still at all intimate with him.

    Are all of these things the legacy you want to show your kids? In my eyes, NO WAY.

    Sorry I can't give you some magic words of encouragement, stroke your ego and tell you everything will be allright, but you need to look at reality for what it is.

    Good luck.

  3. #3
    Join Date
    Jan 2003
    Phoenix AZ--USA
    I'm sorry to hear about your pain, and I'm glad that you found some comfort in venting out your story here in this forum.

    Depending on what you want to do (stay together or break up), I seriously advise getting a mediator of some form, a councelor, SOMEONE who can unbiasly listen to YOU. If your husband is opposed to going to seek help, then you should definitely go so you can get your life back. All changes have to start from within oneself and I pray that both of you can come to see this truth.

    Whether or not to fogive and get back together, or forgive and walk away-is totally up to you. The good news is, you don't have to make a hard/fast/concrete decision RIGHT THIS SECOND and stick to it. You said it yourself, a lot has happened in the past few days and you need to do yourself a favor, and just chill-take a good hard look at what's going on around you, and just take one problem at a time.

    One last thing to consider; You mentioned alcoholism. Was your husband under the influence of alcohol when he mentioned he was leaving you? I find that any kind of substance involved in these tough situations make things very messy--people say anything (hurtful especially) when drunk/been drinking. It's not an excuse for what he said that was hurtful, but honestly could explain your question of how he could say those things to you. I'm not an expert, but with a 3 day turn around change of heart? It wouldnt' surprise me if sobreity and guilt took over. Find out for sure for your own emotions. You deserve to know the truth.

    Good luck-I hope some of this makes sense. Take care of YOURSELF, and remember that the healing will take time whatever you decide to do.

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