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Thread: Confused

  1. #1
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    Confused

    Ok, here goes. Yesterday my girlfriend of 3 and a half years split up with me. It was both of first relationships, and it was a long distance relationship, about 80 miles apart, and saw each other every weekend. We didn't see each other one weekend, so she could go to her staff christmas party, but the next weekend we saw each other it was horrible, she just didn't seem interested in me. We had a big argument, and she told me the reason she was pushing me away all day is that she wasn't sure what she wanted, and she needed some time apart to decide. At first, I tried to comprimise, and offer to give her time and space, but that we see each other for the next few weeks, as it was christmas and new year, and we would have lots of time together, and then she could have the time she wanted.
    Eventually, we both decided to give each other space over the time, no matter how hard it was. This all led up to yesterday, where we both got really upset about everything, and decided that we'd meet up to talk it out what was going on.
    We discussed things, and she told me that she loves me more than anything but at the moment, doesn't want to be my boyfriend, and doesn't want that kind of boyfriend/girlfriend relationship with anyone right now, just to be her own person, and had felt like that for the past couple of months, but couldn't bring herself to accept it until we had some real time apart to think. We both cried lots, and told each other how special we thought each other was, and promised that, as we were such close friends as well as lovers, that we need to preserve that extra special friendship, we are both each others very closest friends, and thanked each other for all the great times we've given. We talked today, and have texted each other a few times, and its still quite affectionate.

    My problem is in her reasons for splitting up. She knows she doesn't want a lover at the moment, but she doesn't know what it is about having a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship that she doesn't want. We both still love each other intensely, but she is confused as to why she loves someone so much, but doesn't want to see them. It's all still too open ended, and I don't know what to do. Everyone keeps telling me to try to get over her, but I honestly feel that she is the person for me, and her reason for not wanting me is "at the moment". As hard as I try to accept that we're never going to hug or kiss or see her smile in that special way she does again, there's always the thought in my mind that she's going to give it more thought, and realise that she's not able to keep going without me. As I wrote, we still both love each other intensely, and although her freedom from a relationship may have felt liberating over the party season, it may not seem such a good thing when she's not going out to christmas partys and new year partys most nights, when her friends who are all in relationships say they can't go out because they're spending time with their boyfriends, or seeing her friends with their boyfriends when they are together, impending valentines day and things like that, and when she knows that it's a real split rather than just time apart from each other. I know she's having as hard a time over this break up as me, and it just feels a so wrong that we're both going through this. I don't know whether I should concentrate now on accepting it's over, and that we're never going to be the same again, or sit back and hope that in the pain of a very real break up, she will decide that we should be together. This would be so much easier if she did something to make me angry with her, or if she told me she didn't love me as much as she does. I don't know what to make of things

  2. #2
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    I feel your pain as I have gone through the exact same thing right before Christmas. My girlfriend loves me but said she needed to be her own person and do her own thing, be with her friends. It's been almost a month and she still can't talk to me on a personal level. I like to believe it's because she can't get over me. Otherwise we are still civil, we talked a little about what we did on new years. I have come to the conclusion the best thing to do is just be nice but give the other person their space. We are all in different points in our lives, some of us want freedom while others want the security of a relationship. Some like to just flirt while others want sex. We can be in these different places but still love eachother. But if the differences get in the way of love there is nothing left to do but give it time. Maybe at some point a couple going through this will come to a crossroads, maybe not. For now I would suggest to let it be, tell yourself it is over. Just remember what fun you had and what you learned. Do not dwell on the bad or would could be. Move on with your life knowing how it feels to be in love and that you can love another just as much. I know it may feel like they are the one, I can tell you I have felt that almost every time. Every one of them I have been in love with is special in different ways. I hope it helps a little, I know how empty the end of a relationship can make you feel. But remember, your Notalone.

  3. #3
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    progress report

    A week and a bit on, we spoke at the weekend, I needed to speak to her because I was so confused as to why she didn't want to be with me. She sounded affectionate on the phone, but didn't want to speak for long because she was tired after work, and she's hard to talk to when she's tired, so she'd phone tomorrow. It was also the first time we've talked when we didn't say "I love you" at the end of the phone conversation, and she gave me the impression that she was doing really well getting on and over our relationship, which was hard to take, it's been the first time I've really had to deal with the stark fact that we're not together anymore, I kind of took the first week as giving her space, and maybe she was sitting at home pouring over the decision missing me, but that just wasn't the case. That night, she phoned me at 3am in the morning, just crying, she couldn't even speak. I did what I would always do, tried to help her, tried to be there for her, talked to her, asked her what was wrong, because I thought she was dealing with things a whole lot better than me, and it was me who was struggling not to get into contact. When we spoke on the sunday, I asked her why she phoned, and she said she drank a little bit at home, and she was still awake, and that she was sorry. I told her that if she wanted me to be there for her, I would be, but it was her who finished it, and she needed to decide if she wanted me there for her or not.

    We spoke about her reasons for splitting up, and she said that she had felt like she didn't want to be in a relationship with anyone, and took three weeks away from each other in the hope that she'd feel different, but she didn't. She's not sure if she loved me as much as she thought she did, because she still didn't want anything that goes with being in a relationship, not the comfort, not the security, not even the raw physical things like passion and sex, she just wanted to be on her own at the moment. It's still very hard for me to understand why anybody would say no to all of that stuff, she doesn't even want casual dabblings with other people. The only thing I can make of it is that maybe she wants time alone to grow in herself and not rely on anybody to help her in her life's problems. She still says "at the moment" and says she doesn't know what she's going to feel in a couple of months, so it's still hard to know how much I should let go. It still feels like it's just a temporary thing, and once she's had her time to grow on her own, she may come back, but I don't know if that's just me holding on to hope. It's SO hard to let go when it's the last thing I want to do. I think about my freedom to be able to go out with other girls now, and I don't care about it. I try to think of all the qualities of her that annoyed me, and realise that I loved them in her as well as her good qualities. I sent her a letter on sunday, I wrote down lots of memories I had of us, and thanked her for all of them, but I'm not sure I should have done it, i'm not sure if she'll interpret that as me trying to make her feel more guilty than she already does.

    I'm kind of taking the attitude that I'll try to live my life, but I'll also keep the doors open to her for a while, I really don't want to get involved in any serious relationship for a good while, it'd just feel like I was betraying the feelings that I had for her, that I was only with her because I needed love, and those feelings could be replaced by anyone, rather than being with her because of the feelings I had for her. Is this the right thing to do, though? I still look forward to her phoning in a month or so, once things get easier for both of us, but I'm dreading it too, finding out if she's completely moved on whilst it's fairly obvious that I'm not going to have, and knowing that the next time she speaks to me, the person who's love I took as given, like the sun rising in the morning, may just merely care for me rather than love me. Sometimes I forget that we've split up, and wait for her to phone me when I've finished work to find out how my day was, and it just feels so wrong not being able to phone her, she's the one who's always there for me to help me through my darkest nights, and now i'm having my darkest night, she's not there. It feels weird, and there's always something in the back of my mind thinking she's going to phone me at night again in tears and say she misses me and has made a mistake. I know that's not the best way to think, but I'm not sure how to let go, and not sure I want to

  4. #4
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    I know exactly what you're going through, I'm in a very similar situation. My boyfriend of three years and I just split two weeks ago and it was both of our first relationships too. I know that the pain can be overwhelming, that just getting out of bed each morning can be a huge challenge, and it seems that everywhere you go, no matter what you do, you're reminded of that person. I think the best way to make it through this is to give it time and to try to stay busy. I know that you mentioned that you and her shared many of the same hobbies, so maybe you could find a new hobby and use that as a way to redefine your identity and rebuild your sense of self-worth. Take it one day at a time, even though each day seems so difficult and empty (at least for me). I try to allow myself to experience all of the emotions that wash over me, but I usually end up drowning in them and I don't exactly know how avoid that. I know what you mean when you said you need to let you go, but you don't know how, or if you really want to at all. I really wish I knew... I'm sorry, I know this hasn't been much help, but if you need someone to talk to who's going through much of the same thing, I'm here.

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  6. #5
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    It is getting slightly easier. I still think about her whatever I'm doing, busy or not, but the constant sinking feeling I had in the first week has gone. Unfortunately I've succumbed to phoning her a couple of times, not for an intense emotional talk but just because I wonder how she's been over the time we're not speaking to each other, but am going to try as hard as I possibly can to not do it any more, I know she'll be missing me, and she's admitted herself that she finds it hard not to speak to me. It just makes me feel a little bit happier having heard her voice. I hate the fact that everything I'm doing right now is basically just passing time until I can speak to her. I can go out and keep myself busy, but that's not because I want to, but because it makes time go a bit quicker than sitting at home watching TV, which all of a sudden seems so bleak, and again, whatever I try to do, I can't really concentrate on it because I'm thinking about her. It feels like I'll get through the next couple of months, but I'll still be thinking about her every day. Maybe when we speak to each other after the dust has cleared a little, we can make a little more sense of what happened, what we've lost, what we've gained and where we want to go from there. I'm not sure I'll be able to let go until then, though, and I kind of have faith, however misguided, that she wouldn't have let go of me completely by that time.

  7. #6
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    Just keep in there. One can't say for sure what works from me will work for another. However I experienced a lot of the same. The drive to work is about an hour, I hear songs that we used to listen to while together...I end up turning off the radio or listening to music I can't stand. Of course that only seems to work for a few minutes because I will start think about our past together. The problem with memories, we always remember the most recent ones first. When you break up with someone all your recent memories include the other person because they were always there with you. You shared shared so much together. Lunaetick is right though, do something different you like. Something you didn't share with your ex. Something that you can do to create experiences and memories of your own that don't include her. It seems like all of us still have hope the other person will come back to us. It's like you are in shock and can't believe what happened. You tell yourself that it's over, but it's like your heart won't give up. When I start to think about my ex I try to imagine I am in a room full of memories that are flying around. This room was our relationship, but as I walk out of the room I close the door behind me it becomes my past. In front of me is a long hallway, so long I can't see the end. This hall is the future, where I stand is the present. You don't know what is going to happen when you walk down this hall, anything is possible. Even though you walk through to the future, the past behind you will always be there. When I was 12 I had my first real girlfriend. We broke up because I had to move. Over a 9 year period I would randomly have dreams about her. Maybe 15 dreams in a total of 9 year period. I didn't think about it much, as I was busy with my life. At the end of the 9 years I got a random call from her. We ended up together for 2 years, it didn't last but we had great fun. My point, the past can always resurface. Let it do it on its own though. Don't think about what was or what could be with past love. Move on with YOUR life, and you will be rewarded. You will get over her, you have no choice. Otherwise you will go mad. Keep talking to her if it makes the break easier, for most it wouldn't be good idea. Sit down and really ask yourself why you are still talking to her though. Is it because you secretly hope she will get back with you? If so get that out of your head. Are you talking to her because it is helping with the break, or is it really helping? Or maybe you just want to be friends with her. Just be true to yourself and it will work out for you.


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