trust issue??

hello there!

I am just wondering if anyone can give me a neutral view of my life pls? In short I spent 7 years in relationships that were violent but also I was chetaed on a lot of times. I am quite pretty I think and I gave myself to these two blokes and got everything thrown back at me twice. I then spent three years on my own and I thought I had worked through it. I met a guy who lived a long way away and we were friends via text/email etc for a good 9 months, then we started seeing each other but it was very occasional (every few weeks) as we lived so far apart and I was happy.

Then I got accepted to uni and I moved up to nearer him as that was where the uni was so we decided sharing was a good idea. I have been living with him for 4 months now. In that time everything has gone so worng. I think he is constantly looking at other girls (he always makes a lot of eye contact with other girls but I think maybe thats just how he is?), I dont trust him to do anything with his friends (going out, getting drunk is worse coz thats when my ex cheated on me most), I route thru his phone and read his text messages coz I am so scared he is cheating on me and I hate him chatting to other women in work. To make it all worse I am living 260 miles from my family and friends and although there are nice people in uni then none of them are people I can 'click' with. They are all nice but just not in to the same things I am plus I am a few years older than them.

I know I am destroying this relatiopnship which I think is a good thing but I dont know how to deal with what I am feeling I dont know if I am jealous, Iknow I am insecure and I think I must be lacking in confidence but again I dont understand it as I am quite confident in my looks etc.

If anyone has any thoughts (hope you still awake;o) then I would REALLY appreciate them!

Thanks x

First, beyond having the annoying (but usually meaningless) habit of eyeballing other women, has he REALLY done or said ANYTHING that would give you the REAL notion that he's off cheating on you? In a bigger, more general sense, is he putting you, and your relationship together AHEAD of his being out at pubs drinking with his friends? If you're the most important thing in his life, and he's the most important thing in your life, then yes, your behavior IS damaging what could be a very good thing.

If there are no real grounds for suspicion, then you need to take a step back and re-evaluate the person you are, or have become. I realize that your personality has in many respects become the sum total of your past relationships, but if this young man is a good guy, you need to focus on that, rather than perpetually waiting for the other shoe to drop, as it were. We all want to love, and be loved, but we need to work EVERY day to nurture and care for the relationship in order for it to thrive. Feeding it a steady diet of negativity such as you are is certain death for the relationship. You need to work harder at trust. I know it will be difficult, but you have to relax your death-grip eventually or you'll find yourself alone, and bitter. Keep working hard enough at it, and focusing on it every day in a positve way, and eventually you'll find that the trust and self-esteem you have will have gained will become an integral part of you, replacing the doubt and fear that are now components of your personality.

Good luck.

A lot of what you said rung true with how I am feeling, he hasnt done anything really to give me any reason to think he is cheating on me or would cheat on me, and I am looking for it to happen and waiting for it to happen like you said.

Very hard learning to trust tho when you have forgotten how, I got to the point where I decided being alone would be less painful and I havent ever gone back from that point I dont think?

Thanks for your advice, I am going to keep it to hand and make it a new year resolution, I hope its not too late.x

first of all you need to sit down and have a heart to heart with him.I know you got some trust ussues it is plain to see but you need to open yourself up to him let him know about your past and all the lies,cheating and beating let him be aware that you are overly cautious about this because you have been burned in the past.If he loves you and respects you he will understand.You need to be open and do not compare him to past relationships that is not fair exspecially since he has not given you any reason to wonder.you need to have a talk get it all out in the open and if he is not the one,sweety move on.Try being by yourself for awhile learn to stand by yourself more than for just a few months.Figure out who you are and what you want.The insecurity lies with you.To love someone you have to first love yourself inside and out.Being comfortable in yourself mentally-- then true love can be.

thanks for that reply, is good to hear neutral opinions, you know what its like when your friends tell you what they think they should say or what they think you want to hear!! not useful!!!! He asked about my past quite early in to the reltaionship but I guess his patience has worn a bit thin with me, I have decided tho that I am going to learn to trust for myself, not for anyone else. I was actually on my own for a good 3 years and i still didnt work thru my problems so i guess I also need to find a way for me to be able to fel good about myself anfd things xcoz i dont at the moment? thanks a lot anyway x