do you think this is strange??

I have been living with my boyfriend (who is currently in the process of going through a divorce) for four months. He is currently unemployed but has several prospects for contract work. Until recently, he has done several sleep overs (leaving by 2pm Saturday, returning late Sunday) at his friend's apartment to collaborate on projects they are bidding on. This friend has a full time job and also had a live in girlfriend up until recently. My boyfriend insists that he does not enjoy this time away from me because his friend is not motivated or helpful. Not to mention, his cell phone does not usually have service in the apartment (there was a one time exception to this rule). My boyfriend and I have only been together for 6 months and I find these weekend retreats are very damaging to our relationship. I am finding it very difficult to trust him and I am not sure if this is normal.

I should probably mention that he neglected to tell me about his marriage, two months into the relationship his wife called me from his cell phone. He has been very open about my questions regarding his marriage and wife, but my trust is damaged and I think these Saturday nights away are not helping. His friend lives within 20-60 minute drive (city traffic could make for a longer commute) and I think he should come home even if he is up until 2am working. If he lands this contract he may be spending more time there and I am not sure what I should think. What do you think? Does this all sound legitimate?

Personally, I would have ended the relationship after I found out this soon-to-be divorce was mentioned by his currently-legal wife. That is quite enough for me to break it off. I mean, wouldn't common sense say that that is something you bring up right about the time you are both sipping coffee at starbucks or some such? Your hesitations are more than founded; he hasn't given you much reason to trust him, frankly. Despite this setup he has with his contract partner being legit, I wouldn't feel very comfy in your shoes at the moment either. Have you asked to join these little sessions for a while? Check out his hesitation levels; see if he gets really uncomfy by the prospect. But make sure you do it at the last second, so he doesn't have time to prepare for it, or warn anyone else (so he doesn't have time to sabotage or hide anything from you). I know that sounds a little sneaky or underhanded, but at least it has the chance to put you back on the same level playing field as him. Feel it out a bit. Let me know what happens. And gluck!

I agree with Anon here, although I have to admit that I like the way your b/f has been open to you about his past after he has been confronted over it. Hiding and secrecy is devastating in a relation, but obviously your b/f does not want to hide stuff, really.

Here is another point of view, though: your b/f says he loves you very much. That is obviously the reason why you are together and living together. When he says so, I think he makes a commitment to you and that means he has to be with you. I can totally relate to you in the fact that he is not home on the Saturday night.

However, beware: quality time has nothing to do with quantity. In other words it's not the quantity of time he spends with together with you that matters. It's how he spends it with you. I can see him being away on the Saturday nights, if the time that he actually IS with you, is well spent. If he is able to make you feel wanted and wonderful in the way you want him to treat you, then who cares that he is not at home on that Saturday evening.

Last but not least: determing how much time he needs to spend with you and how that time is being used, is up to you. Try to work out what your needs exactly are in a relationship and try to communicate that to him, by telling him that in terms of explanation.

Questions? Let me know ... I'd be glad to help out.

~ SwingFox ~

Swift too has a good point about time well spent. Yet also consider that it appears he is open about things post facto. He doesn't volunteer these things right away; he waits for her to figure it out on her own, then becomes ashamed. Openess is indeed very important; especially in moments like that. However, it almost seems too little too late. Why not turn the tables on these contact appointments: Offer to play host for the three of you; server a nice dinner, drinks, appetizers, etc. Nothing better to get the creative juices flowing than good food and good company. See how that idea might roll over as a compromise to get more quality time with him, and with those he is working with.

Nothing good will become of a relationship with a married man. Even if he does get divorced, the relationship was inititated with deception. You reap what you sow. When the seeds of deception have been sowed, no good fruit is going to come from that. Also, if he cheated on the previous wife with you, you have every reason to think that there's a good chance it will happen to you too. Get out of that adulterous situation.