Changing Ways

Me and my X of 3 years split up about 5 1/2 months ago. I got involved with cocaine not really badly though and it ended up with that stuff making me depressed.

She left without giving me a chance to sort myself and never even threatened me that she would walk out and was adament that she could never go back to how it was and that she would not come back to me.

I havent touched coke since she walked out and i have in my view and many of my friends and family become twice the man the she walked out on, I have improved myself in ways which definetly make me a better person.

I did push her away at the start but it was only because i wanted to ask her what else i had done wrong and she didnt want to talk she just expected me to just dissappear. I was never that bad and she is totally exgerating my part in the breakdown and she is so self riteous at the moment.

i have given her space now and i have changed how can i try and talk to her and work things out when even though she knows i have sorted myself and that i can make her happy out she wont accept it how can i explain to her that i have changed without pressuring her.

She got cold feet and then ran away how can I get her back to the new me, all i ask of her is to try and get to know me again this time without the drugs and not only give me a chance to start again but herself.

If it helps i think i scared her and now i want to show her that everything is ok.

We split 2 days from buying our first house and up until the day we split we were so in love with each other. a week later i am thwe worst person in the world.

She is smoking a lot of dope at the moment and has met a guy who is ONLY a friend I know that for sure. But i think he smokes it as well and since she met him she has let herself go and her attitude towards me and been terrible, could this be because she is jealous that i sorted myself out and she is going downhill.

She is very stuborn and would rather suffer for the rest of her life than accept that she was wrong to give up on me. How can i prompt her and get her to throw away her foolish pride.

Is there away to reverse the damage i caused by my begging and pleading. I said some pretty nasty stuff to her in anger which i didnt mean and she knows that. But she said just as many hurtful full things too which I hope she didnt mean but when she said them i acted all weak and begged etc etc. I was depressed like mad almost suicidal and it just made her worse.

Also she asked me to give up drugs and so now when i have she says that she never asked me to, even though it was the one thing she wanted me to do. I dont deserve to be treated like how she is treating me and yet i still lover the memory of her and really want to work things out and let bygones be bygones and start with a clean sheet.

Sometimes i think she enjoys seeing me suffer and for what reason, and for all the times i hurt her with the coke she hurt me with her dope.

It is as if someone is controling her thoughts and actions and pushing her away from me and she is believing them even though she has repected my opinion as her best friend for so long what i say or think counts for nothing.

After all this she stills sees my sister and niece once a month and cuts our my friends hair, it is ok for her to get in my life but as soon as i approch one of her friends it is as if she has told them not to talk to me

I was the best boyfriend she has ever had and she even told me she would have to look a long wayto find someone better. My parents love her and i am loved like a son by hers.

It is as if I never existed! even though we had a wonderful relationship and the most hurtful thing is that she knows it.

I have moved on and i am dating other women but I cant change where my heart belongs.

Coyuld she still be going through a angry stage and blaming me for everything wrong in her life.

What can I say to her?

I just want to try and restate everything that you've explained to be sure I understand your situation - corrections are welcome:

You've been split from your now -ex for nearly six months, due to your having a drug problem with cocaine. She gave you no apparent warning that she was planning on leaving you, yet during that time was aware of your drug use, and had asked you clean up your act. You did not begin to do so until AFTER she had left.

During the intervening six months she's avoided you like the plague, and has basically continued moving forward with her life. You also note that she is now using drugs heavily now as well, and has befriended a fellow drug user.

If I've gotten your description right, this is what I'll guess is going on.

First I don't think she's jealous of your cleaning up your act. I think the problems are more of HOW you treated her during that time, and what you said to her. If she's using as heavily as you imply, she probably can't see beyond what brought her to break things off with you. She might just simply be one of those people who when a relationship ends for whatever reason, rarely or never looks back. I can say that for my own self, once a relationship I was in ended, I've never once become re-involved with them, so I know for a fact that there are people like that in this world. While I commend you for kicking the drugs, and for also trying to make amends with your -ex, I don't really think that you can do any more beyond that. I am also gladdened to see that you haven't put your life on hold waiting for her to 'come to her senses'. In your heart, you may grieve for the loss of your relationship, but I think all you can do is just try to live a good life, and maybe keep tabs of her. At some point, her pain and anger may diminish enough to give you an opportunity. Keep pushing, pleading, begging or trying to otherwise insinuate yourself into her present life, and all I think you'll do is drive her further away, and reinforce her angry feelings towards you.

BTW, was she 'using' while you two were together?

Good luck.

Yes she was using cocaine and dope when we were together up until two months before wwe split, I would like to add that i was never particulary horrible to her, It was like having an affair but not with a woman.

I was never taking cocaine heavilly. and at the most I would spend £50 a fortnight.

When I say she asked me to clean up my act. I meant that she never sat down with me when i was sober and tell me her fears and worries. Maybe I wasnt approachable at the time.

I personnally think that she is scared that if we were to give it another go she would be to scared that it would happen again and her heart and mine wouldnt be able to take it.

How can i reassure that stage of my life is over, I have grown up and wisened up. and I am never going back to drugs for the simple reason that it completely and uterlly f**ked up my life and the pain i have been through and pain it has caused my family, her family and everyone I know. I went from being suicidal to where I am now, which is twice the man she met in the first place.

Somewhere in my heart I know that if we can talk we might be able to work things out.

Sometimes i get the feeling that she does love me but by pretending to hate me it makes it easier for her, I just need to take her blinkers off.

There must be something special there if she wanted to buy a house with me and it was her that wanted it.

The trouble is no one has actually made her feel bad about what happened because it takes two to tango and for all my faults she has just as many and for as many times I hurt her on coke she hurt me another time when she was stoned, but the friends she is with now do it all the time, have joints for breakfast etc.

A piece of background info.

When I met her she was hanging aroung with these girls called M and E she was dropping pills all the time getting stoned etc. then i met her and we went away from all that for 3 years things were brilliant apart from the when the drugs made us unhappy.

And then she changed to another part of her company and guess who showed up M and E. I know for a fact that she is hanging around with M especially and that she is probably a bad influence and has introduced her back into the old crowd.

I know technically i am no better than them, but to be honest thay are scum of the earth, most of them are drug addicts and most of them have problems at home due to there own behaviour or they live in squats. I might have had my moment but it was just a stage I have a very good job a brand new car and a wonderful loving family.