What am I doing?

New Years, I knew would be tough, but my wound was healing, and on new years eve I was on an up, nearly accepting that me and my girl were over and ready to start building my life on my own.

Loads of "our" friends were away out of town, or going clubing and it only left me my old best friend and his girlfriend for new years eve. She was workng, in the same place my girlfriend works, working with her until 11:30pm. There were no party arrangements, nobody knew what we were going to do, the last resort was to stay in, just the three of us and get drunk.

A twist is that my ex was having some people back to her place, and invited us along. Yea, recipe for disaster. Partying with the ex again... Maybe I should learn from the twice I have done it that it's a dumb idea in general. Talking about it then, while drunk and worse for the wear is most likely not good.

Being there partying with her, but not "with" her started to torture me, yet I held my cool, sat it out until I knew I had to tell her how I was feeling and go home. My friends however had found another party to move to and I accepted the offer to go with them.

When I was leaving my ex stood in front of me, cutting off my path and basically said that she didn't want to be left alone on new years, even though there were 2 other people there, she meant that she didn't want to party like this alone. When I heard this, I looked back at the places I had been in the last 3 weeks of what she put me through and I almost, actually did laugh in her face. I didn't say very much to her, even though she clung to me and begged me to say something, it felt ironic what she was saying and that I had ever right to be cold in return.

I left, walked to the other party, started drinking again and tried to take that strength forward. 20 minutes later the ex arrives at the party, looking a little off her usual bouncy self, I can't be sure, but she might have been crying and washed her face to clear it. You know that look of someone. I ignored her as much as possible, giving her only the bare minimum of friendly contact, like she was just another person at the party.

I tried to avoid her eye, but she kept glancing at me, looking hurt, annoyed, wanted to say something to me. She was feeling like I have felt, maybe. I was the distancer and she was the pursuer. That is how me and my ex worked so well together all those years, with me holding her at arms length and her trying to pull herself closer. I started to believe that she would never leave me, and let myself go, DAMN!

Yet, most likely due to drink and that I still love her so much, I went over to her, we sat and talked a little, starred into each others eyes, kissed, cuddled and decided to go back to hers and just have fun... You know what I mean.

So we did, but she brought a little work friend along, who was going to stay. She was 17, but really, really childish and clingy. It was like my ex was baby sitting her. So I did not get any time alone with my ex, did get me and her time, that could, maybe have done the trick of getting her back. This frustrated me and that didn't help the situ. I became the pursuer again and she distanced herself cut me off again.

We spent the night watching crap stand up comedy, cuddling and kissing, but she was struggling and I dont mean physically struggling, she was fighting her feelings for me, and I dont know why.

In the morning, she went to work, something she is doing far too much, working, she is breaking herself with it, I know, I am her best friend still. Going to work on new years day after a night partying and no sleep, when she only just walked out of the place at 11:30 the night before.

I phoned her this afternoon and she said she was at her new years dinner at her parents and that she would phone me when the dinner was over. I dont know if she will.

I feel like I am being kept as a back up, or that she is using the strength I give her, by telling her how much she means to me, how beautiful she is to distance herself, feel better about herself, and be independent. However, I know that if I had the courage to let her go, shut her out of my life, that it would make her see those feelings she is trying to fight, she will see that she does love me and does need me.

Finally, I still dont think this break up is meant to be, I believe that our relationship can be rebuilt on this and be better than ever. Maybe it is just seeing her that is torturing me, and if I had of ignored her and let her go in the first place, I would feel a lot better today. We talked, and she actually agreed, that clinging to her is only going to push her further and if I ignored her and pushed her away she would come running to me.

What do I do? I had a plan, that was to accept that it was over, start to rebuild my life on my own, but remain her friend and stay in her life, stay close, and as I said this to her last night, maybe this will blow over and we will just find ourselves back in love. She agreed.

You see that there are so many signs from her that say this is not over, that work, stress, xmas, new year, funerals of late and now the stress of a break up are wearing her down, she is cracking up. It hurts me that she is like this. By clinging to her when she wants to run, I can only make things worse. On the other hand if I shut the door behind her, let her run, and head off on my own way, she might feel the distance and return or she might get too far away by the time she realises and we dont get back together even though we should have. I mean that if she wakes up in a month and realises what she is doing is wrong, she might not come back, because there are too many bridges burnt etc.

Am I driving myself insane? I love this girl with all my heart, and I really feel she is fighting the same feelings for some reason.

Please help me.

I'll be truthful with you, friend.

Logically I'd say leave it and walk away.

But knowing myself, in your place I'd do just the opposite. It won't be obvious, because I would probably try to show her how she really feels by shutting her out of my life (in fact this happened a few times to me, unfortunately, always with the same girl, and I'm usually the one being shut out...

If you really believe this break up wasn't meant to be, I'd say follow your heart. But also be prepared. Make sure you can handle what it means if it doesn't work out.

I know you can't really help me with this, but I thought I'd share it anyway.

I have a problem of two futures and I need to make decisions without the time I feel I need.

Before the breakup was on the table, I thought we had troubles. I knew there was a difference of priority in certain things. Mostly, I felt that I had sat around too much not thinking about my career, and since I was 21 being madly in love with her, most of the time. When I hit 25 and then a few months later my gf hit 25 it started to get more between us.

I have a talent for technology, primarily computing. I had distanced myself from it in order to find love, forgot that it would probably be my career, but the geeks don't get girlfriends. I changed myself. Found love.

At 25, I started a 5 year plan, rather than think about where I wanted to be in 1 year, or 6 months, I made a long term plan. Get a degree, study as much computing as possible on my own time too, find some vocational experience in the IT industry and be ready for a career job of at least $20,000 by the time I was thirty.

My partner knew this, respected it, but her own wills and wishes in life started to come between us. She simply wanted to get a flat, maybe think of buying a house, and living together and building a home and a life. Have money and resource to travel. For us to do this, I needed to get a job.

I battled with it for ages. On one hand a full time job would impede on my degree grades due to constraints of time and energy for the job. I have been on benefits for most of my life, so have most of my family, there is little success around it. I live at home, in a flat at the top of my house. I am free there to do as I please and my partner lived with me there for nearly 3 years. Bills are low as there are three sharing the rent.

My partner a year and a half ago, make a move that I still say was a mistake and the first nail in our coffin. She moved out into a flat of her own, and told me I could not move in unless I had a job. Not even a parttime one, where I might need to get income support from benefits people, but a full time job.

7 months ago, I started a state run business startup program that was connected to my benefits and if I got a job then, the business programme ended right there. So I was trapped there too.

a week before she told me, my business programme was over, the business mine, and was free to get a job. ... a part time job. My partner did not know I had started applying for jobs. If I could get part time work enough to pay the bills then business money would pay for travel and fun. i was willing to do it for us. I had the solution to the major relationship problem, I felt I could fix us.

It was too late. She says she has known for a few months that she maybe should leave me and move on and find something else, try life on her own for a while and see if she can find a special person that wants the same things in life, as I clearly dont. I asked her what she wanted, and it is exactly the same as I want, just that she thinks my way of going about it is wrong. That she has waited too long on me. I was ending up in the same place, or better.

Now the problem..... I was prepared to do the part time job for her, to show her I could pay the bills for us, and maybe, maybe with both of us working it would be okay that the income was worse than benefits were, unless I get over time or better pay. As we would be sharing so much as we did, then low income job would make sense. Maybe that is assuming she would support me a little too, I knew she would and has for years, as long as I paid the rent and heating bills that was all that mattered to her and her family (more importantly).

I have to go to this job, first day tomorrow. If I start the job, my benefits stop, and if I leave the job they will not pay me for 2 months. My family are in financial diffs and wont be able to help. I will be screwed. If I take the job, then I must stay at it, yet the income leaves me worse off, and with less time.

However... If there is a chance that our relationship can be saved, I must put myself in a position that she wants. I have to have the job. If I dont take it, then her and all my friend will be pissed at me. "Grow up! Move out from your family home and get a life!". But I have a degree and a small business and not that much desire for material things. All I want is to live and love with another special person, the one I found, the first and only possible truly special one.

I fear that if I take the job I will be taking on too much for now, but if I don't I will only comfirm her suspicsions. My friends try and tell me that you just have to get out and work, above all else. Yet if I get a first honors degree, I can practically walk into a decent IT job on a decent salary. A job might put that future into pieces.

She always said, "I know what people say about you, that you will never get there. But I am having faith that you will someday, someday I will show them, you will show them. I know you will be something great someday, thats why I am staying with you." I just dont understand how she just switched off in a matter of a few months, and that she didnt talk to me about it and didnt give me a chance.

Oh well... Decisions, decisions. Do it for myself? Okay, but I want her for myself, so that is just as confusing. I need time, space from these things and business decisions to know where I want to take my life, but if I take that time I might not only ruin any chance with my lover, but ruin my own life and miss oppurtunities in the near future.

Maybe I have sat down to life too many times, maybe I just need to take it all on the chin and let it happen, no matter how hard it gets. Things could be worse. They could get worse still.

Thanks for listening.

I'm not sure what to tell you about this. You to make a choice somehow. You want her back, try getting her back, but she wants you to change, so change, while you try getting her back. You might take a risk and get this job, see if you can somehow fit in studying for a degree with a job , or maybe saving enough money to have the time to study for that degree with no financial distractions. Tell her that you think she's too important for you to lose her over this, and tell her if there's anything in life you want it's not this degree, it's her - because we both know, if you had to choose between the two, what would you choose? - and tell her you want to show her that by doing what it takes to please her, to show that all her support has not gone unappreciated and that if she wants you to get a job you will.

All my hard decisions I don't make by myself. I flip a coin. Think about it.