8 years and she dumps me 3 days before Xmas

Hi Guys,

I thought I was the luckiest man in the world. I'm 27 and have been with my g/f for nearly 8 years. I love her with all my heart and wanted the new year to really be our year, get a house, get engaged etc.

To me she is absolutly perfect. Everything about her. I have never wanted anyone else in this time and every minute I spent with her was heaven.

unfortunately I have some personality problems where I can be quite a shy, quiet person, but i can also easily lose my temper and have screaming fits, like a child - though these are rare. If I'm really going to be honest then I will also say that I probably have a low self confidence in myself, although i dont always feel like this.

Anyway, she is a soft spoken, beautiful, sweet, kind, confident, popular person, and most of the time we have spent has been fantastic. We have done so many things together, but yes, there have been bad times and I can blame myself for them. I must mention that we also have spent most of these years apart, as she went to Uni in a different town and we see each other at weekends, holidays etc. We have been fine with this and the weekends were always something to look forward to. We spoke on the phone in the week as well.

We broke up last year, but I begged her that we could make it work, Bsaically things had become stale, we didnt communicate, I became complacent and didnt make the effort to do things she wanted etc, but after looking at what we wanted, we decided to give it a try.

It started off fantastic, as though we had fallen in love all over again, and then of course, it levelled out and began to become stagnant again. The problem is I didnt see this and she didnt tell me. I failed to respond to her needs, not because I didnt want to, but because I didnt realise she was getting bored.

I was so happy with her just doing nothing, e.g just watching a movie or staying in, but I didnt see that it wasnt going both ways. Now, 3 days before Xmas, just after we'd gone out and bought lots of presents for each other, she just suddenly said 'Its not working for me anymore', 'I feel I've moved on'.

I could not possibly explain what this did to me. We had just spent a fantastic weekend away together, done our Xmas shopping together and generally been like a couple in love - or so I thought! I know I'm not the perfect boyfrined, but I've always loved her with all my heart, been there for her, done whatever I could, but I've also not done things (although again this wasnt on purpose, I was just to stupid and blind to realise).

I thought everything was great, we have never stopped saying 'I love you' to each other, we always have a nice time together, it just hurts me beyond belief and coping through Xmas has been absolutley horrendous.

Whats worse is she told all the things that were wrong, over the phone, and as I listened I could see her point and couldnt understand how I hadnt noticed. I feel so absolutely guilty and awful, and whats worse is i know I could make up for these things (things like not taking her out clubbing, not listening to her properly) I'm so hurt that this was her impression of me, but she never discussed it so I couldnt tell her that I would change and make up for these things.

I couldnt convince her that i could make up for all the things I've not done, and that was that. one phone call and 8 beautiful years ended. we were both crying and I know she felt badly as well, she kept saying sorry and that she didnt know how to deal with the feelings that maybe I'm not the 'one', so this would be easier than always having that thought at the back of her mind. God, i think it would have been easier if she told me I was a w****r and she hated me, rather than saying I was 'the best boyfriend in the world, but she didnt have the same feelings for me anymore' !!

I am distraught that I feel I let it get this bad and now I'll never have the chance to make it up. How the hell can I live with myself when the girl i thought I was going to marry, i wasnt really giving what she wanted, and all because I was to damn blind to see it!?

What makes it worse is that I dont really have any close friends to share this pain with. As we have spent our weekends together for so long i dont have anyone else. My work friends dont live anywhere near me, and my friends from school went to Uni and never came back.

I know you are probably thinking I'm a bit of a sad bas***d, and you're probably right. I still live at home, dont have a circle of friends to do things with, my entire family only consists of my mum and my brother, and now I've lost the only person I ever really wanted in my life.

The actual physical pain that it causes i.e. the sickness in the stomach and muscle shaking etc, is really destroying me. My poor mum had to watch me try and eat Xmas dinner when I felt so sick. She is the only person who has been there for me, which I really appreciate.

How do you get over someone who you really felt you would build a life with and be with forever? I cant imagine what I'm going to feel like when it comes to friday each week and I know I've got a weekend of loneliness to look forward to. My lovely, cute, sweet, beautiful darling is suddenly no longer around. Do you know what, its actually still really difficult to believe!

Sorry if I sound like a wimp guys, we shared everything together - concerts, holidays, restaurants, xmas, new Years, - everything, and now I've got the joy of facing it alone. How can i do it? In the 8 years we've been together, I've never met anyone like her, so that doesnt bode well for the future!

I cannot get my mind off anything else, i have been getting drunk at night just so I can fall asleep, and when I wake up in the morning it is just so horrible to suddenly realise she isnt there.

I know its only been a few days, but I dont know how to cope with these feelings. I know I shouldnt contact her now, even though its incredibly hard not to want to, but it makes me sick to think that it isnt as hard for her. She has lots of friends, a big family, all the things i was part of that are now gone from my life, and a she is so good looking i know she will get a lot of attention from other guys.

I'm torn between accepting that I will probably never hear from her or see her again (!!) and maybe thinking that she might realise that life's not that great without me. Do I really want to hold on to that belief though? It hurts so much not to just lose someone, but alos to realise that you could probably be easily replaced. I also know that if/when she finds someone else, I will.....well i dont know, i really dont know how I can cope with that.

Right, I've gone on for long enough, thanks for reading if you've managed to ge this far! It kinda helps to read of other chaps going through similiar in these postings, and to know that guys can be sensitive and love someone, without having to keep up a 'macho' image.

Look forward to hearing from any of you. cheers guys

This is certainly a devastating turn of events, but despite your loss, I think you've already learned two very valuable lessons in the process:

1) You need to work EVERY day to continue to build, nurture and grow any intimate, rewarding relationship. When you give up trying, things will IMMEDIATELY begin to stagnate.

2) No matter how committed you are to the other party in your relationship, you need to maintain some semblance of a life beyond her. This too requires work.

Not to kick you when you're down, but if you're expecting her to 'come to her senses' or to suddenly realize "what's she's lost", I'm VERY skeptical this will ever occur. Take a look at it from her perspective: She sees a 27 year old man who still lives at home, who makes no effort to cultivate friendships, intimate or otherwise. What are you really offering her?

I'm not saying that you should and need to become an instant party animal, and go out clubbing until 4 am every evening. That simply isn't you. You simply need to begin taking greater control in your own life, rather than just being a passive observer of it. Moving out would be a giant first step. Trying to establish some fragments of a social life would be another. I'm not implying doing things you dislike, but rather that you really need to pursue the things that DO interest you.

Your only interest in life shouldn't revolve solely and entirely around one person.

Once you've put your life in some manner of order, I'm sure you'll realize that happiness isn't solely derived from being with another person. It comes from living, and participating in a full and productive life.

Good luck.

Thanks, I know what you're saying and I wish it were that simple. It hurts even more to realise I've got nothing to offer anyone, as you put it.

I dont know why I put love before everything else, or why I've got this massive fear of being on my own, or without someone special.

I want to put my life on track, but i think I need some help in doing so, at lest someone to talk to, to show me where I've gone wrong and how to start to fix it. I think my problem lies a bit deeper and more serious than just this break up.

You're right, I did make it my whole life, and its going to be extremly difficult to realise that that life is now gone. I am effectivly dead and need to be re-born. That scares the hell out of me, I just feel so lost and alone.

If you have any knowledge of special councellers or someone I could just get it all out to, please could you let me know how to get help, i would appreciate it.

Thanks.

Man. Phhhh... What can I say, your story, it is just far too spooky that I am in the same hole right now... had a little more time though... it was good to read i know I am not alone in this hell.

Mine was on the 14th of december, girl of 7 years, and I am 28. 90% of the rest of your story is true for me too. Very alike. I am feeling for you now man, really.

A few differences, in that she never lived away from me, we lived together sometimes 24/7 for months, literally on holiday for 2 weeks we were never apart more than 2 foot. never tired of each other. we lived and slept together from 4 months in, but haven't lived together for a year and a half now.... cause I couldn't "afford" to live with her due to degree, business startup, benefits and lazyness. still spent about 5 nights a week at her place until it was over in a flash and a blur of bleeding soul. I broke man, i broke big style, still not fixed yet, might need mechanic.

If you need a friend to talk to let me know and we can exchange email details. Personally I have found talking to peeps good therapy, though I realise I will have some pride to mop up eventually. Friends to face, when they say.... "Do you remember ..."

Hang in there with me...

mine kicked me out of the house i lived in with her and my daughter, we were together for 8 years, got 6 year old daughter, said she needed to change and needed space, shes started her own business,goes out clubbing, dresses nice lost lot of weight, dont wanna know me, only when she wants something, then its all smiles and cuteness,i fall every time, dumped me in december 2001, im coming to terms now, just terrified of when she finds someone, felt like someone tore my soul out i didnt know what people meant by heartbroken i do know, im completely different, from a year ago, having bad time im 26 if any u guys wanna chat feel free