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Thread: Help me w/ my confused feelings - please reply -long posting

  1. #1
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    Help me w/ my confused feelings - please reply -long posting

    This is a long posting of thoughts that's on my mind after a 2 and 1/2 years relationship. Weird.....

    I am sad, I feel lonely. I miss "him" I love "him" I wish "he" is here with me. I want to feel "his" skin against mine. I want to feel "his" touch, I want to feel the warmth I knew and always will be missed. I wish "he" still love me like "he" once did, but I know "he" will never again. I feel like crying, I wish "he" is right here in my room, I wish I could just hold "him" just a little longer. I feel pathetic for feeling this way, I feel pathetic that I let a guy get to me as much as "he" has. I feel silly writing this. Do you know how it is when one single person can affect your life as much as "he" has affected mine? Every aspect of my life reminds me of "him." I know I sound kinda crazy right now, but its hard living without "him." I know I am just babbling on right now. I guess I just want to get stuff off my chest. I had seen "him" only a few time after we broke up, and everytime we got together it always end up with sex. I know its wrong, but when "he" is next to me, holding me, I just couldn't stop myself. The first two times we didn't even kiss (meaning mouth to mouth), then the last time "he" was here. I found out "he" is kinda talking to this girl online, "He" held me when "he" was typing to her. I left "his" side deliberately before "he" signs off so "he" can say "his" good bye to her. After that "he" came to bed and "he" held me. One thing lend to another we were you know, but I kissed "him" this time, and "he" kissed me back. I miss "his" kisses, I miss everything about "him" I know I will get over all this soon or later, but right now it is hard. I can make sense out of everything in my head but when my emotions come into play I just seems to have no control. Tell me I am stupid...Say something to make me feel better, say something to make me realize what a fool I am right now, say something to ensure me that I will make it through this. I know what doesn't kill me only makes me stronger, I am weak right now I don't think I can ever be as vulnerable as I am right now. I am like immune to guys, I don't pay attention to anyone. Even if its a club guy or something, even if they give me the time of the day, I don't seem to even be interested in it. I don't want to become a "hoe" and sleep with everyone so I don't feel lonely, that's not me. I can't just settle for anyone as a rebound either, not that I can get one. The only time I have any comfort now a days is when I know "he" is at work, the rest of the time I wonder what "he" is doing. Wondering if "he" is out with his boys, wondering if "he" is talking to that girl, wondering if "he" ever think about me or miss me. I should know the answer, I bet "he" is glad that "he" is rid of me. I only brings "him" sadness, I want "him" to be happy, I truly do. I know "he" is happy now with all the freedom "he" has and without me nagging at "him" I wish "he" only knew that if "he" had only told me what was bothering "him" before I could have change. I am really not a bad person, I don't and refused to believe that I am unbearable to be around. I know I am y, needy, and complains sometimes, I know I didn't handle the situation as good as I should have. I shouldn't take "him" for granted, thinking that "he" would be there for me regardless. "He" said "he" wouldn't break up with me unless I break up with "him" first. I know it must have took "him" a lot to really leave me. I am not saying "he" didn't have a reason to, "he" totally have the right to do as "he" please. I just wish that "he" was more expressive, I wish "he" could have told me what was bugging "him." The failure of our relationship lies within both of us, I take blame for not recognizing that I was causing "him" pains, but I wish that "he" would realize that "he" can't bottled up everything inside, it doesn't help the situation. "He" said "he" talked to his friend about our problems, but to me that doesn't help us. It doesn't help that someone knows what's bugging "him" and I don't. What I don't know I can't fix, if only "he" would give me a chance to prove myself to "him." I am going to give "him" all the space that "he" wants now, I will always be there for "him." But I am not going to bother "him" anymore, when "he" needs helps then I can be there as "his" support as "his" friend. I love "him" and I know deep down inside I will always love "him." "He" will always have a special place in my heart, "He" gave me a glimpse of what happiness I could have, "He" has given me so much joy when we were together. I know if I ever needed "his" help that "he" would be there for me. I am not sure if that will change after "he" gets a girlfriend, but I am sure she would be a better girlfriend then I was to him. Me and "him" been through so much together, we will always have this special bond, at least I will always have this special bond with "him" in my heart. No one will ever be able to take "his" place. I know somewhere in the future I would somehow miraculously find who I am destined with, unless I am destined to be alone for the rest of my life. I feel like I have no one, no one to turn to, no shoulder for me to cry on. I feel as if I am not good enough for anyone, I can't accomplish anything in my life. I can't make anyone happy, I wish I have the ability to just make everyone happy. I know I have no place to complaint. I know other people have it worse than me. I just seem so helpless and I always thought I was very independent. I am too self conscience about everything, I have such low self-esteem of myself yet I have such high expectation for myself. I want to be successful in everything, school, work, family, love life, but I am failing in all those areas. As if I can't do anything right, when something good come along, I always seems to manage to ruin it. I wish I am a better friend, I wish I was a better lover, I wish I just wish I can vanish from this place but I don't want to cause any pain to anyone especially my parents. I know I am not going to go do anything stupid, I am not THAT stupid. I am not suicidal just depress for the time being. I wish I am pretty, I wish I am skinny, I wish I can turn head, I wish I can be happy, I wish I can be content with myself, I wish I have more self confident, I wish I am more compassionate, I wish you the best, I wish "him" the best, I wish I know how I would end up later on my life. Will I be happy? Will I be alone for the rest of my life? Will I be successful? Will I live to have children? Will I live to be Happy?? I want to be happy, I want to not have to ever write anything like this again.

  2. #2
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    Love and Depression


    Your feelings sadden me.

    I know that you feel terrible at the moment. That nothing makes sense or seems possible. And that you are acting like almost like you have no future or purpose in life.

    Love and relationships are based on one powerful thing.... compatibility

    Allot of us lie to ourselves when we meet someone into thinking that we are compatible. Or when focus on the sexual or visual attraction of a possible love and never consider compatibility.

    Don't feel so hopeless and lost. This relationship may have ended but I assure you many, many men would be overly ecstatic to when your love.
    Nothing is wrong with you and never tell yourself that you worthless or unlovable.

    It might be in your best interest to distance yourself from this ex-love to regroup and get back to yourself. If he chooses not to be with you or is confused, remember...

    Only you continue yourself in the pool of pain.

    Smile, be positive, and move on in your life.

    Good luck to you.

  3. #3
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    Let me begin by assuring you that you are not alone in your feelings. I am going through the same process that you are tonight. In fact, I spent the past 3 months sleeping with my ex and trying to win him back...Of course, they were the most emotionally unhealthy months of my life, and I would give anything to go back in time and reclaim them for my own.

    The truth is this, and both of us need to realize this: As long as you are in his arms, you aren't going to be able to move on. In spite of how difficult it is to put your foot down and walk away, you are hurting yourself by staying with him.

    I appreciate your post, as it made me realize that I'm not the only one going through this process...I have read time and again that break ups are like death: You need time to grieve and to move on. The thing with death is that the 1st step (the end) is something that we can't change. With a break up, someone needs to make the effort to make the 1st step happen...the rest (hopefully for both of us) is certain to follow.

    To let you know, my ex and I had a very painful and teary conversation tonight. I had been telling him the last few weeks that i think we need to stop being friends for the time being as it is simply hurting me too much. He, being the overbearing individual that he is, scolded me for being 'immature' as he put it, for not being able to be friends with someone who rejected me. Tonight, he told me that he realized where I was coming, and although it is going to hurt him, he will understand.

    Do this with me: Delete him from your address book, take him off of your buddy list, and put him completely out of your life. If he attempts to contact you, don't answer. If he doesn't get the hint, send him an email and tell him that you are trying to move on and would appreciate if he helped you out. It is hard...believe me, its 4AM on Christmas and I'm up because I was tossing in bed just thinking of him. It hurts to have to push someone so important out of your life, but as I have also read, its similar to an addiction, and the only person who can break it is you.

    Be strong, and let me know how you are doing...I could use some pointers myself...this advice is easy to give, but oh so difficult to take.

  4. #4
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    Thanks for both of ur advices Lightingbird and Insight2. Its not like I didn' understand those advice, but somehow when my emotion comes into places, my heart and body won't comply. I know he still cares for me as a person as a friend. I don't think there is a doubt in that. I also know that he doesn't love me anymore. I can sort everything out in my head, and it makes perfect sense. As you both put it, I am better off without him quote unquote. I am a mature individual where I shouldn't have the need for him, but my immature loving spirit aches for him. It is 4:14 my time, I am sitting here stressing over him and I shouldn't. which I may add Merry X'mas to all. I am friends with his sister, I went out with a bunch of my friends tonite, which his sister was there. side track, She is so cute, sometimes she calls me her Ex sis in law. Unforturnately "He" was there too. We were civil to each other, we are and always will be civil with each other. Which I may add that I had a little incident with him today in the afternoon where it left us both mad at each other. At the beginning of tonite when we were at the club, we wouldn't even speak to each other, but after a couple drinks we were okay. not too friendly but nice to each other. no touching, hugging or anything. I have gotten several drinks from friends and I do mean several, maybe a couple more than I should. I wasn't sure if i could make it home (I had my friends with me) and I asked him if he could possible drive me and my friends home in my car. but he was like no...blah blah blah...giving his excuses. it pisses me off that he doesn't even care about my safety or have any concerns as to if I will make it home or not. It really hurts my feelings. I mean gosh its lil things that makes me realize how unimportant I am to him. As of right now I am on AIM, and he is online, probably talking to his girl. He couldn't even instand message me to say hi or to see if I am okay. He said he wants to be friends when we broke up. But he wants it to be where if he wants to talk to me then its cool. He wants everything to be his base, only to fulfill his need. He calls when he is bored or whatever. I don' think he ever consider how I feel. I am hurting, its been less than 2 months since we broke up but I am still the one sitting at home licking my wounds. I am not his lil slave where I make myself so available to him. I know this sounds really stupid too. "Him" and I have so much ties together that its even hard to sort it out. We had racked up a hugh credit card bills, which "he" is being responsible and said that no matter what he still going to help me pay it off. Which I had said something like yeah you will do this now but what if your next gf comes along and doesn't think or like this idea. are you going to stop giving me money ( he gives me money every month to lessen the debt) and he was like no, she doens't need to know anything. I was like right, and I said that If i was your gf I would know that you are giving money to your Ex and frankly I can tell you that I wouldn't like it. He was like but she doesn't have to know. and I kinda just let it go. When we broke up, what he had said "we should be friends honey" and he was crying. When we had our closure talk, we were both crying our butts off. I just....I don't know what to know think anymore. I know I am better off without, but I feel as if I can't ever get another guy. I feel ugly, I feel fat, I just don't feel good enough to be with anyone. Maybe writing to you guys will help me get stuff off my chest. You guys can definitely shine some lights in my confused situation. I feel stupid, because I know I don't need him, but yet I want him. He can bring a smile to my face so easily that its hard to image without. omg this turned into another long one..... I am sorry for sounding so pathetic......but Once again I want to thank you for taking the time to read my lil babbling message. Insight2, good luck to you too. Keep in touch. We need to keep each other in track....

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