Is there A chance, Can I change

My wife of 19 years who I dearly love with all my heart informed me this week that she needed space and did not love me anymore. She said I was smothering her and was controling.

She is right, I reliaze that I have been all these things and more, I have never been physically abusive but would always make her feel guilty anytime she wanted to do anything without me.

I know I have this problem, I was married before and my first wife cheated on me and really hurt me. I feel this is why I act the way I do now wife my present wife. I don't like being this way and really won't to change.

I have made an appointment with a counsler for tomorrow to seek help.

I just hope I can get the help I need and safe my marriage and family.

thanks for listening

It's always possible to change, sometimes it's just more difficult than other times. I don't kid you, a personality change is WAY WAY more difficult to overcome than anything like smoking. You basically need to be able to be self-aware of a behavior that is now as ingrained as walking, talking and breathing. I applaud you for your willingness to make the attempt. Even if you eventually become a 'changed man', you may end up losing your family anyway. This may be a quest that consumes a goodly portion of your life. You need to make the distinction that just because you might be 'cured' it and of itself is not any kind of reward for your wife after how you've treated her, or necessarily any motivation to stay with you.

There are no guarantees, but you're making an important first step by seeking counseling.

Good Luck

GaryK: YES!!! It IS possible. I am a living proof of someone that made a huge 180 degrees turnaround. I have been always pestered in school and that severely damaged my self-esteem and self-confidence. I was too afraid and shy to be involved with girls and 'social skills' was not part of my dictionary.

Some 9 years ago I recognized that I had a huge problem and that's where I made a BIG change. Basically I threw my whole being and personality overboard and started all over again. It took me about two years to go through the whole process. I am 30 now and I feel so self-aware and very confident. I know exactly who I am and that helps me in building contacts and friends.

Here are a few tricks that I used to change:

1) Built a list of things that you want to change

2) Prioritize the list

3) Set out SMART goals (see below)

4) Read articles on the internet

5) See if your wife wants to help you with this. I hope she does!

SMART

SMART is a term that is being used in 'performance management' by Human Resources Departments in big companies. It stands for:

Specific

Measurable

Acceptable

Realistic

Time related

Set goals that follow these rules. Be as specific as possible and set acceptable and realistic time schedules in which you want to achieve certain goals. That way you have always something to refer back to.

I hope this is of help. Good luck!!

~ SwingFox ~