Sex with her ex

Hi,

Compared to other stories in this forum, mine could probably seem ridiculous; there is no hidden marriage, there are no kids involved and nobody died, at least so far. But it is important for my relationship, of course, and it affects aspects that haven't been discussed yet as I've seen so far: Trust in a young love with "Ms RIGHT", betrayal with one's ex (which seems to me like the worst one possible) and responsibility for your current as well as for your ex-partner. If you can say something about any one of these subjects, please go on reading. I would appreciate comments that could help any of the involved parties, not just myself. But let me start at the beginning.

I know this woman for about a year. she was the woman of my dreams but at the time, she was still involved in a 7-year relationship. so in the beginning we just became very good friends, without none of us having wanted more for obvious reasons. but one day after 6 weeks or so, she told me that she would leave her boyfriend (who I saw several times), since she was absolutely sure not to love him anymore. it was just then when both of us realised that we had strong feelings for each other. this was probably the last reason that made she take the decision to leave him. some days after that, we were already together because we hadn't much time anymore (I was on a study-trip and had to return home a month later). it was kind of strange, but both of us really had the feeling of having finally found "THE ONE" for the first time in our lives, so we didn't want to miss a possible future together.

as you can imagine, the break-up with her ex was a very dirty and long-lasting story since he was still very much in love and even wanted to marry her. it alone took 3 months just to leave their common appartement and bed (it is very difficult to find appartments around here and they hadn't any other place to go to). this time was very difficult for all of us. in the beginning she didn't tell him about us. she felt incredibly bad and guilty to have hurt him so much and even when he found a new appartement she wasn't able to force him to leave their common one. I really think she didn't and doesn't love him anymore, but for staying 7 years together, there had to be love somewhen and even in the end you still appreciate this person very much.

Additionally, she felt much responsible for him. Firstly because she thought having destroyed his future, knowing that he probably wouldn't overcome her for years and thereforeeeeeee maybe miss the possibility to restart a new life and find someone else to have the family he wanted with her. Secondly, he ended up as a wreck, not eating anymore for weeks and even threatening to kill himself. of course, this kind of psycho-terror doesn't make it easyer.

that's more or less where my problems start. I had trust in her and I still believe that she didn't cheat on me at the time, at least not sexually. but what she did, was to let him kiss her occasionnally when he was really down and cried for hole days. of course, I didn't stop telling her that I would very appreciate a final cut with her ex to avoid such situations where her feelings of guilty, which are not justified in my opinion, let her do things I really hated. another story was, that he made some nude photos of her. she didn't consider this as a betrayel ("just photos, nothing else") and apparently really wanted to take these photos because they wanted to do it already for years. she considered it like kind of a last souvenir. I really tried to understand the situation.

Both of us knew very well, that after a break-up you theoretically need time to overcome it. I was ready to give her this time and liberty; to wait some months and stay away most of the time. And as I live a seven-hours-trip away, leaving her distance was easy and not evitable (and just thereforeeeeeee a big problem for me). but I think I loved her and I think so did she. we saw each other maybe all 4 or 5 weeks and at each time we passed an incredibly marvelleous time. this was what gave me the power to stand the situation and this was what gave me trust.

her feelings for him were as I said apparently a mix of guilty, but also of strong friendship. she considered him as her best friend and she told me, that she already felt only this kind of love for him for a long time before their separation. the separation didn't change much for her. but after seven years of friendship, she didn't want to loose him. it took her 6 months to tell him that she was with me and also only after I urged her to do this. but he still didn't go away.

now for the most nasty part: a month ago, 8 months after this story had started, she had again sex with him. she told me only, because I asked her frankly and directly if she had slept with him after we came together (I kind of felt it). she explained it like this: even in bad times of their relationship, sex worked just fine. as he still loved her, he wanted to know if she really didn't love him. if sex wouldn't work anymore, he would believe. as she told me, she really wanted to get rid of his love and thereforeeeeeee accepted spontaneously. she told me that she cried during he act.

what shall we do? As a first reaction, I wanted to leave her. But I hesitated. I remember, that still a week ago, I thought that I deeply loved her and without all the things above, she would probably be the woman of my life. but all of these feelings are gone. as a second reaction, I ultimatively asked her not to see him anymore at all and she accepted as she said she didn't want to loose me. on the other hand, I'm sure that he'll try to see her, call her up, send her messages... things that I absolutely wouldn't stand anymore. but even less, I'd want her to lie on me, because I know every time she does so, I would feel cheated even more. additionally, she's in the age to get married and to get children. if I stay with her, it would probably become very serious as she told me that I'm the first man in her life she could imagine being the father of her children (so far the responsibility for my part). But can this be possible after such a deep blessure? For the time I'll finish my studies (still 2 years), this will continue to be a long-distance relationship, with him in the same city as she is. Is it possible to restore trust, knowing that your partner has a too big heart and is probably too weak to resist?

I got a mess with my feelings. at the moment I've lost all my love and I'd want to leave her but think I would regrett it. if I stay, I have to be serious about it, because she has deserved a man who wants to form a family. and I have strange feelings of another kind: she was my first 'real' love and the first woman I had sex with. now I kind of feel she didn't deserve it and at least I want to cheat on her, too. but I don't know if I only want to hurt her... does anyone know this feeling?

I know that in the end, it's only me who can answer these questions, but I'd really appreciate your opinions or advices if you have experience concerning trust, betrayal, separations and long-distance relationships, responses for me, for my girlfriend who feels being the worst person on earth or even for her ex.

Thanks a lot, a blues-heart