Coping with my breakup

Two weeks ago, my partner of 11 years told me that she didn't want this anymore. She said that she is no longer in love with me, but that she still cares and loves me very much. I usually try to make it right and convince her to stay together. This time around she was really serious and we weren't even fighting or anything. I knew that she really meant what she was saying, there was no way of getting passed this one. I told her that if this is what she feels is right, then I have to leave there is no way that I can continue to live with her and talk to her. This would only make me hurt even more than I can imagine. Right now I feel like day by day I die just a little more. She wants us to stay living together as friends but I can't do this to myself and live in misery. I tell her that if we can't be lovers than I don't want anything to do with her or her family. I am very close with her family and they seem to love me too. I just can't seem to realize that she doesn't want me anymore and that we are ending our beautiful relationship. We still get along great, we laugh, we have very good times, but she doesn't seem to be in love with me. I feel that I'm going to die. I can't see myself without her, I love her so much and I'm in love with her still. What should I do, how do I make it right or how do I move on?

I'm sorry bro, I know your position all too well.

Unfortunately theres not really anything you can do to make it better. If she is cool with living with you and not being with you... well then the truth is that she stopped being in love with you a long time ago.

The only thing you can do at this point is to be strong and move on. Trust me... trying to get her back by telling her you love her or begging her to come back will do nothing but make her lose respect for you.

Its beyond difficult to do, but you have to start walking away. Get as far away from her as possible. Stay away from anything or anyone that will remind you of her (a hard task since everything reminds you of her huh?). Do what it takes to keep your mind off of it and do things to rebuild your self esteem (like getting in shape). Improving your body image will help you get some confidence back.

Then start dating again. Its not gonna be easy... but its the only way.

Unfortunately the fact that she is rejecting you just makes you want her more. After 11 years, you don't even remember what its like to date huh? I know, mine was only 5 years and I completely forgot. And the rejection kills your confidence so its even harder. Gotta love when the odds are stacked against you huh?

Now the good thing about our situation is that we don't have a tough decision (yet). There is only ONE option. Be strong and move on. Don't show her your pain or that you want her. Its time to have some pride bro.

The ironic twist to this is that when you act like you don't want her anymore, it will have an interesting affect on her. She takes you for granted now and has it ingrained into her mind that you want her. So when you start acting independent... it will actually make you more attractive to her again. Show her your new girlfriend and watch her reaction...

So the tough decision is... what happens when your new confidence makes her want you back? Do you say yes or no? I know you want to say yes... but should you? (I'm still working on this part...)

But for right now. Stop letting her know you care. Be independent, and work on getting your confidence up. Rejection will make you miserable, but it gives you motivation as well. Use that motivation to start working or something else to improve yourself.

The best payback is to show that person that you are happy without them. Oh and to look better then you did when you were with them

Hope that helps. I'm in the same situation. Pm me if you need anything bro.

It's me again....it's been about 1 1/2 months since I posted my last request for advice. Me and my g/f talked it over and decided to get back together and try and work things out. This occurred exactly 1 month after she wanted to break it off with me. I agreed and proceeded with caution, only because I was so hurt and still in pain because of our breakup. During the time that we supposedly got back together and were working things out I found out that she was still talking to the person that she cheated on me with and that she still gets many calls from this person. I confronted her and told her that if we were going to work things out and get through all of this pain she needed to make up her mind and tell that other person that she didn't want to see or have any contact with them, she agreed. It was two weeks after our talk and still she was getting messages and contact. I once again confronted her but this time she denied it and said that if I was going to be so suspicious and not trust her that it was better that we weren't together and that it wasn't going to work out. I don't know what to do? I know for a fact that she still gets voice messages and she keeps denying it. We talked again and she now says that she thinks that we are starting to work things out and that she feels that she can fall in love once again, and that she is not talking to that other person anymore for sure. Low and behold, I checked her voice messages the next day and guess what? yeap another message and she didn;t mention it to me like she said she would if she received any more calls or messages. She wants to buy a new home for us and start over but how can I trust that she is being sincere and that I'm not being played a fool? I don't want to keep checking up on her but I just don't seem to trust her and feel that I am being a sucker in love.....Please advice

I am sorry. I was in your position long ago. I know how you feel and my heart goes out to you.

First thing is that you have to take care of you. It will be hard because for eleven years you have taken care of her.

You must break away from her and spend time without her in your life or you will never completely leave her. You won't be able to move on and right now you have no choice.

I know it feels like you are dieing, I remember thinking that I was going to die and even trying to. Please don't let yourself think like that. Yes, it hurts and you can feel it all over and in every way. It is all part of healing.

I understsand that she wants to be friends, but she has to understand that she can't have everything her way. She chose to put you out of her life...she can't get her "freedom" and you...it can't work that way, it is not fair to you AT ALL...

Things will be ok. Eventually the two of you will talk again and then maybe even visit...you will love each other a different way. My ex that did this to me lives 800 miles away, is married with twins...it took me 2.5 years to be ok with looking at her...I cried many nights...but when it was over I had to walk completely away...if I wouldn't have I could have never started healing. I am still healing...but believe it or not I met someone 5 years after she walked out on me...and this girl is amazing and now looking back I would have gone through that hell 100 times if I knew my current lover would be at the end of it waiting to love me the way I wanted. THIS WILL HAPPEN TO YOU...if you thought the past 11 years were good...HA....wait til the real ONE comes along. BLISS

I dont have any advices since I, too am in the same situation as Chugi. I also need some advices myself. I just broke up with my girlfriend about three weeks ago. We've been together a little less than 4 years and I really dont know what I should do.

Since I am in an exact situation like Chugi, we've had a brake up a little less than a year ago. I guess I treat her really bad back then. I yelled at her, called her names when I was really in a bad mood or when she really pissed me off. About a year ago, I yelled at her because my parents gave me a lot of pressure dealing with my sister's issues, I kinda took it out on her one day in front of my parents. Ever since then, she was very cold to me.

After few weeks, when everything seemed to be normal, it was her birthday. On that day, we had a college writing test in the morning and I was so worry about the test that I totally forgot about her birthday. After the test was over, then I relized that it was her birthday and said happy birthday to her with no presents, no plans what so ever. She was kind of mad but then after a while, she told me its okay, I understand. Then that same night, she called me and she wanted to breakup with me. I was in shock because I wasnt expecting that. I told her I was sorry and everything and then the next day, I bought her presents and everything and waiting at her house. I thought that was going to cover it but I was wrong. She spend the whole afternoon telling me to move on and nothing is going to work. I got the idea and try more but nothing worked.

In the mean time, the knight in shiny armor (HER EX-BOYFRIEND)called her and comfort her then they were once again together. So I took the hint and just be friends with her for a few weeks. I kept dateing her and eventually, I showed her enough that I cared and wanted her to come back. Then we to got back together. And she broke up with her Ex-boyfriend.

The first three months after we got back together was like REALLY the first three months that we first dated 4 years ago. But everything starting to fall apart. My guess was that her ex-boyfriend got over the sadness and decided to call her and start things over again. She hided that they were calling eachother until I found out from her e-mails. I asked her about it and she told me excuses about why they were contacting. I was stupid then and believed every word she said. Then later, she still continue to contact with him and the more I ask her about it, the more lies comes out of her mouth and until I cant take it anymore, I cave in and told her that they can contact as long as she let me know about it and not LIE to me anymore. That did not acomplish anything and she continue to lie about every little detail. She kept telling me that they are just and ONLY friends. Now that I didnt believe.

until recently, I found out that her ex-boyfriend is coming to visit her from 10 thousand miles away. I asked her about it but all I got was deinal and lies. She even gave me hints that she would be about of town with her family for a few days and it so happened that the days was the same time that he was coming to visit her. I asked her many time if I can come along with her and he just puased and said I am not sure if I am going or not and some other lies. She kept telling me that they are just friends

When he finally came, I couldnt stand it and fought with her when she had to leave to the airport to pick him up. I was mad, upset, and sad. I went out that night to a club with my friends and I look at my watch every 10 mins and wonder if she was home. When she got home, I asked her what time did she get home. She told me she got home at 1030pm but when she called me, it was 12 30. I asked her why she didnt call me right when she get home coz I told her to call me RIGHT when she got home. She gave me a bunch of excuses and at first, I actually BELIEVED what she said. But then I thought about it and asked her more questions, there was so much time conflicts that she could not possiblely be home by 1030. I was really upset that she lied to me in person and I showed her and busted her right in front of her.

After that I just left and didnt call her for a few days. Then one day, she came up to me at school with her new BEBEs and Gucci bags that her so called friend bought her. After that I just ignore her because I really know what is happening between them and I got the picture.

But the more I ignore her, the more that I piss her off. after a few days she called me and reminded me things that she know I will normally forget and she was being nice to me. And I noticed that once I saw her mad and everything, I started to be nice to her and then next day she turned cold on me. This has happened REPEATEDLY.

I am kind of mad at her for cheating on me but I still want to be nice to her. Everytime I be nice to her she turns around and treats me very COLD. I dont know what can I do here. Should I CARE or NOT CARE ?

Be friend or not be friend ? I still care about her and I still love her and theres a piece inside me that still wants to be with her but why does she have to treat me like this ? Revenage ? Fun ? I mean, all I wanted to do was to be nice and all I got was COLDNESS and turn downs.

I am sorry that this post is really long. I hope this can help me through depression.

Feel free to give me some advices because her birthday is this weekend and I planned her brithday at the beach house and I dont know what to do now....... should I continue with my plans for her birthday ? or just ignore it ? or just a phone call of happy birthday ?

Thanks

sadman:

this is pretty cut and dry.

you took her for granted before. and as a result her interest level in you slowly plummeted. then throw in her ex boyfriend and you quickly have a recipe for disaster.

now you are in the whole position of the mean/nice cycle.

all of this says one thing. move on.

stop talking to her. don't be friends.

just move on.

its not easy.

but anything else is just going to prolong the agony.

with time the pain and rejection will go away. but only if you stop talking to her, because every time you see her, it will just reopen the wounds.

you've probably heard this before. i'm sorry i can't offer you anything more original. but this is the only path you can take.

hope it helps. good luck.

Hello

Fisrt of all, i apologize about my english. Im from portugal and i found this forum. Guess what? it was a miracle, just the situations and answers i need to read, because i am coping now with that terrible situation of being friends. she left me for other guy and wanted me be her friend. I accepted and now, everytime i call, she seems more and more far away. If i let pass a few days, she calls but just to check if everything is ok, if im not hurting, if i had someone, etc. I felt miserable everytime she calls because she seems so cold. when i call she is always in a hurry, and somteimes i realize she is with him, and that makes me sick........

Well, thanks to your advices i feel now that i can make a decision, not to call her again, because friendship has gone away with the breakup.

Im trying to move on, to let go at all everything about her. I Know its difficult, but as you say is the only way, im waiting for the moment i can wake up in the morning and be happy with myself and not thinking of her anymore.

Be strong and confident is the best u can do. Thank you all of you for sharing your problems, it was very important for me to know that i am not the only one

Eternal from Portugal