Whats Wrong With Her

Further to my post Shes got me wrong

Things get more complicated the more I look for answers. I try follow my heart which tells me if I give up the coke she will come back but it has been three months now since I last had any and it seem to make her worse. She swears to me that she has moved on she has changed and that she doesnt want me to change. It is as if the best 3yrs of her life never happened How could she just block it off she has admitted to me that she is running away. Will she stop running I know I pressured for two and a half months but I was heavily depressed and one of the reasons we split up was because the coke made me obsessive and depressed and unfortunately it carried on after I gave it up. Why is she treating me so badly She has told me she isnt angry with me then she has an outburst saying do you no how much that stuff messed my life up and then goes onto say she needs to find friends and that she is not strong enough to cope with me at the moment. Is she going through a phase that will settle down and then maybe I can talk to her. But when I look into her eyes they are vacant and cold. We did go on holiday together with my family after we split and when she started enjoying herself when she realised I had noticed she stopped. I did try to talk to her about this and she said that she didnt want me to think that she was enjoying herself with me because she didnt want me to think things are going to be ok. It is almost as if someone is pulling her away from me making me sound worse than I actually am because believe me she will have to search far and wide to find someone as good as me without the drugs and she even told me she knows that. It is almost as if she believes what these people are saying even though she knows its not true. She totally adamant that she wants different things now I try and ask her what these are and she wont answer me. I also told her that I was seeing someone to get my personality on track and all my mates tell her I am off the coke and I have even told my family. And she turns round to me and says to me I am proud of you and week later when we had a row at her work because one of her new friends phoned me up and had a go at me so I went to her work to confront her about this she says she doesnt care in a row and what do you want from me. Two days later she phones up my sister and goes round and tells her that she does care and was worried about me driving home. She then goes on to tell my sister that she knows now it was the coke that drove her away and how it changed me and said that she thought she was strong enough to get me off it on her own and by the time she realised it was to late Too late for what. Does she need more time to see that I am off the coke for good because in the past I have said to her I would give it up and I did for a few months and ended up back on it. How can I show her I mean it for real this time even more than what I have done so far Is there something wrong with her is she just hurt someone please help how can I get her to listen to me because I love this girl and I want to grow old with her. I know things got boring because I was depressed and we stopped doing exciting things and going to different places. But I swear to god that it was all because of the coke and I think she believes me now but doesnt want to know why me How can she love me with all her heart and then just suddenly give me total cold shoulder is this a hormone thing We are both twenty two. Another thing she said to me was that she didnt find me attractive anymore considering I am always being told how good looking I am and that was one of the reasons why she fell in love with me and was so proud to have me with her when she went out with her friends showing me off and now she tells me she doesnt fancy me anymore. Is it because of her this the bloke in her life although he is only a friend and there is nothing intimate going he is twentyeight. Why is she throwing everything away when it is obvious to everybody that she doesnt have to and now its seems she has gone from a girl with her head screwed on having lots of depth with her whole life ahead of her with many great things to being forgetful ignoring responsibility being shallow. I no that her new friends are very immature is she just trying to fit in with them because she has got a very I dont give crap attitude about anything she has crashed her car twice since we split up where as before she hadnt. Please girls is this just a phase you go through when you have been hurt and scared so much and does it settle down. Because I know I shouldnt but I am worried about her as a friend and I care and respect her opinions more than she knows or at the moment pretends not to know. Sorry this is so long I just had to let out some steam I would appreciate as much advice as possible. I cant just drop her I feel that she needs help but is too stubborn and full of pride to ask anyone. It is as if she feels unlovable and I only want to help her.

Crumble....HELLO .....

It sorta sounds like we do have somewhat similiar situations but mine was work that screwed me up....

I have been reading some books on relationships and there down falls..and what I have learned is when you try to talk to her dont try to blame her for what she is feeling. She is hurt ( just like in my case) and the more you try to put blame on the way she is feeling then the worse it gets. I have learned to use what is called "I" statements... It means when you talk to her say " I feel ", "I want"....when you talk like this you are not putting no blame on her ....your only stating what is true for YOU. When you speak form the heart there is no blaming, no covering up...your only saying what is true to YOU. When you speak from the truth and require no response from your partner , you are establishing communication at the deepest level. ..If you keep communicating at this level eventually you will get and equal response back.....I have learned it is very hard to get someone to open up to you when they are hurt..... it seems like when you use "I" statements it eventually gets better and the communication opens up more.

Your EX is hurt just like mine is and I think that when someone is hurt they are just in love with there negative feelings and its going to take time for them to let go of that resentment and hurt.. I want my EX back more than anything in this world because I truly love her but I am really starting to realize more and more as each day goes by that I cant change the way she is feeling...I could never change the way she is feeling....the only person that can change that is HER. In your situation ( and as well as mine..maybe) she might be thinking that if she came back the habit would start up again then the same patterns that didnt work before would happen. I have realized that I think destiny is what brought me and my girlfriend together and I have to rely on fate to bring us back. I am hurt more than words can desribe and for me the hurt is only going to get worse in 3 weeks because that is when she is out of my life for good. We both keep dwelling in the past and wish there is someway we can bring back our love but I think we both need to realize that we cant bring them back.....they have to bring themself back.

Thanks Brokenheart further to what you say it does make sense but maybe saying too many I this, and I that, I feel that if I say it too much she will think that have you ever thought about what i want. My trouble is because of the coke i stopped accepting who she was and tried to control her. Looking back now it freaks me out thinking about the person i became. But i am back to normal now with my old laid back attitude and confident personality. The trouble is now when i see her she thinks i am putting on an act but its not its the real me. For example when on the coke i critised her choice of music even going as far as taking the piss out of it even though when without her i listened to it. Now when i it have playing in the car and she is with me she thinks i am trying to show her i have changed and thinks i am desperate. Are her nagative feelings blocking her rational thoughts. She tells me that she only thinks of the good times before the drugs if she does then why doesn't she believe me. I know i was off my head for a year and it gradually got worse. Maybe she finds it hard to believe as i am only just starting to understand what happened to me is it too much to ask of her to understand completely. I know i she sacrificed going out with her friends and doing things she wanted so that we could save for the house and the more she saved the more i spent on drugs. I know she is angry with the money and all the hurt but i feel she is finding it differcult to be angry with me because she knows it wasnt me, How long does this hurt and resentment period last is there an average say 6 months or something. Many people have said to me go get her after christmas when your strong again. Many friends and family have said to me she fell in love with you for who you were and i respect the fact i havent been that person for a while, do i need to be that person again. She has gone back to the person she was before i met her is that what i have to do to get her back, please give me somemore advice. is there a way maybe to get her to forgive and forget, please anyone help me

Our personalities are formed by the experiences we live through. Some people make bad choices and behave accordingly and even after realizing they've made a bad choice they continue they're harmful behavior. We need to accept the consequences of our actions while understanding that asking someone else to live with our bad choices isn't fair. When you continue to do things that hurt others expect them to walk away. I'm assuming that you love this woman because she respects herself enough to not choose to do things that hurt others. When you ask her what she wants she may not feel she should have to tell you. You should already know and if you don't then you probably aren't the person she is meant to be with.

To think someone else is pulling her away or that her hormones are causing her to make the decisions she is making is telling me that you are still not seeing that your bad decisions led to her leaving. If you were to see her with someone else that put her through the pain that you put her through, would you advise her to try to work it out with him?

It sounds like you made some bad decisions in your life. You need to fix whatever it is within yourself that led you to make those decisions and move on with your life. Grow from what you've learned (when in a relationship your actions directly effect your partner) and move on. Try not to continue your pattern of bad choices. Don't beat yourself up-we all make mistakes. If you have learned from your mistakes you will be in a better position to be in a relationship.

Remember-you won't ever find true love until you love yourself.

Hello Crumble

In regards to your request, I've made several attempts to answer my private msg's, but could not gain access to replying. Perhaps it was something in my own computer. In any case here I am...I hope!

You indeed got yourself into a bit of trouble. But from what I gather your true problems are not with your mate, but with your addiction to cocaine.

You asked, " how could she just block out those three wonderful years you gave her." " Will she stop running?" Even though it was the coke that drove her away.

I understand you love her. That is not in question. I understand that you miss her and desire her. What I don't understand is that you seem oblivious as to why she is not running back to you. After all, you admit that you swore off cocaine in the past, but went back to it.

Perhaps there is a chance that she loved you so much that it was killing her to watch you throw your life away on this drug. Perhaps it was not YOU that were unattractive, but you using the drug was unattractive. Perhaps there is not significant "bloke" in the picture at all.

I doubt if it's a hormone thing--causing her to stay away, but rather her not wanting to bare-witness to someone she obviously cared for withering slowly away into oblivion. Perhaps she thought you enjoyed your cocaine over her. Not Possible?? Please Read On..

I'm really not trying to hurt your feeling's Mr. Crumble. I'd rather enjoy giving you some answers to help you than to harm you further than you already have.

Some Facts about Cocaine...

Cocaine--Physical and psychological effects.

Cocaine is a stimulant-that is, it increases the activity of the nervous system. Cocaine causes sudden increases in heart rate and blood pressure. It also produces a feeling of euphoria (a sense of well-being). People feel alert and powerful, and their thinking seems better and clearer than usual. Occasionally, strong feelings of anxiety and fear occur instead of the expected high.

Cocaine use can be extremely habit forming. When the drug's effects wear off, usually after 20 to 40 minutes, people often feel depressed and take another dose or more to try to regain euphoria. *Habitual users may come to feel that nothing is enjoyable without cocaine.

The long-term use of cocaine may cause some people to suffer depression or psychosis (severe mental breakdown), which makes them unrealistically suspicious or fearful. **These symptoms may continue for weeks or months, even after a person has stopped using the drug

I'm going to provide you with a site to check. You cannot beat this alone.

Cranstoun Rehabilitaion-United Kingdom

They specialize in helping people. They can and will help you get your life back.

If your able to contact your mate, ask her not to pitty you, but to pray for you. If she see's that you are this serious to get your life back, she may stand by you. However, don't count on her-count on yourself right now.

Godspeed you Crumble!

grneyedscotsman

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