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Good Relationship that could of been


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Hello,

 

This is the first time I have ever sought advice VIA the Internet so I feel a little odd about it. However, objective advice is what I seek and that is what I will get. Thanks in advance.

 

The Situation:

 

I am a male in my late 20's. I have been dating a girl who is three years younger then me for about 3 ½ years. We have done many many wonderful things and shared many deep moments. We have always had a problem when there is conflict. We just don't know how to handle each other. We have tried and tried. We don't see eye to eye. I have tried many different approaches and over the last year I have resorted to becoming very frustrated. We have both done and said things to each other that have been unfair and from my personal statements not my true feelings. We have both been very loyal to each other in our fidelity & have never had any physical abuse issues. We have shared and shared and talk intimately often. The image I have of love is there except for the way I often feel misunderstood. I believe I am a very good communicator I share my feelings. Sometimes to much. I am very honest and want someone who truly knows me or wants to. I admit fault – I know that I am young in love, and that I am a human being and I screw up. I have always communicated and owned up to error. I haven't always been fair in my judgments to think before speaking or acting. But I have always acknowledged the wrong doings and done everything in my power to 1) learn from them 2) consciously try a new approach 3) Still be fair to myself.

 

Over the last year we have tried and tried. This means everything to me so I can honestly say I did what I could. We have so much that fits. I would have kept trying.

 

I have noticed that when we get in heated disagreements about issues I would find myself speaking from past experiences that I have had. I sometimes would get so frustrated with situations that I would get mad and say "other girls would do this & that" , "alright that's it! you know I don't need this crap" I would hang up the phone. Basically threaten to leave & never leave . I wanted to fix things so bad. But many times when I would be as passive and understanding as I could possibly be & I would find myself in a very unfair situations from my point of view and I would jump back into saying things that I don't mean. thereforeeeeeee, escalating the situation. And Vice Versa! We always did that. Instead of realizing at the moment that this wasn't important we would get heated fight, about the issue and bring everything that hurt each other over the years back up again & again. This got out of control and it appears that it has ruined a very wonderful relationship. I don't know how to fix it. Yet, I have never walked away. I have thought and thought about what a gamble it is. But it was always a gamble I would take because I felt we had it in us. So much potential! I have had many life experiences. I have traveled extensively, had relationships with all types and feel I am open minded and somewhat experienced. Yet, I still have so much to learn. This is something that really hurts to loose. I can see myself with her having fun many years down the road.

 

 

 

The other day we had another one of our sad moments and I got a Dear John letter outside of my door. I was perplexed! Three and one-half years? Its hard to let you all in on what we shared. Many of them were some of the most wonderful close moments that I have ever spent with another human being. Well, It stated how we just cant do this anymore & if I look deep down inside I will see that too. Yes, I know we cant do this anymore. But, there has to be another alternative? I would do anything – anything – except not be true to myself.

 

At first I was like man! Wow, just throwing in the towel? I looked for answers and found none. I stated my case VIA E-mail and phone & went away. The next day I dropped off a silly "24 reasons to stay together list" and dropped off 24 roses at her house. She called to thank me. I said babe I know we have tried & tried but the love is there its just clouded. She said she couldn't see me that evening. She went and stayed at her mothers. We don't live together. The next day she calls in the evening. And we talk but she has not a positive to say about our future anymore. She has gone cold on me. She breaks down and I drive over and surprise her just to give her a hug. I also wanted to tell her that this is really hard on me too and I have to stop trying to convince her to stay with me. The way I see it if I have to practically beg for reconciliation then I am doomed from the start on this one. I intended to leave it like that. I am having a real hard time accepting that she can just turn away. (I know I threatened and I am at fault here too). The next day I get a nice letter from her stating that I showed some real strength the previous evening and thanks. "Sorry I am having such a hard time with this". " But I just need some time". I have tried this approach but have always gotten slack for it? Two hours later she calls and wanted to know if I got the letter? I said Yes, I did but I let you know that this was it until either you make a decision unto US. I went into how I love her and if it is meant to be it will be no matter what we decide to do now. I just don't know what to do. She asks well what if we meet someone else. I said if our hearts are meant to be together then they will. That is a risk we will have take. I need someone to tell me that. She was my best friend and I feel very alone. I have never wanted anything so bad. I have screwed up so many times but I have come through many many more times then I have messed up. Is my answer sometimes life isn't fair? I don't even feel like myself because of what this has done to me. Just looking for intelligent – logical advice.

 

Thank you,

 

 

Jim

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Im telling you the best thing you can do-and this will be hard, i to 100% leave her alone. Dont email her, phone her,a nd for sure dont give rher any more roses. Once you start begging and she knows she has you, she will never understand how scared she would be to be without you. Trust me from personal experience, if her interest level in u is high, she will find a way to make it work. But as long as u perceive in begging and demanding to talk to her, she will only look on u as weak and insecure, and totally lose all respect for you. YOu have to make it seem that you are the catch here, not here, and live without ou would be very very bad. And the only way to do that is to make her come to you, I know this is hrtful, but when it comes to women this is the only way.

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wow man i am having the same exact problem, there is a little slightly different twist to mine but the whole thing about here needing time and the struggle we are dealing with of being left in the dark, im totally right there with you, so hey my aol screen name is DSlim10 im always on, if im not there will be an away note, but im here with ya and ill be more than glad to share my story and just maybey we can get through this together.

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Thanks guys for you help on this. I will write a bit more later. It is great that this board exists. Being guys we often dont have anyone to turn to when stuff like this happens in life. She is over at her mothers day in day out and I sit here by myself stewing. I just dont know anymore. You know I would have tried and tried. But the way she can just leave like this really makes me think. Wow when the going gets tough she is out the door. Is that what I want. Yet, I feel horribly guilty for letting my emotions get the better of me and saying some of things I did. You see she would cry on the drop of a hat. It could be anything. Over time I just became frustrated with the crying and felt like it was unfair to me. I am expected " to stay calm " "keep the tone in voice low" .... And she would just cry whenever and I was called unsimpathetic and mean for getting annoyed over time. I would explain that when I would raise my voice it was the same as her crying. It was an emotion that was out of control. I understand that girls cry. I am not unsimpathetic I just became de- sensitized to it because it wasnt fair that I was always being put down for the way I handled things and she was no better. Oh well what can you do?

 

DSlim I have been trying to get you on the Instant Messenger and havent had any luck. I will keep trying.

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I don't know if this helps but exactly the same thing happened to me. I am a 22yr old Bloke and i was with my ex-girlfriend for 3yrs. We always talked and we always worked things out and we didn't have a communication problem until i got mixed up in drugs. Basically my personality changed i became selfish, obsesive, controlling, emotionally messed, paranoid and i went very inward. The comunication broke down and i was so messed up in the head that she just couldn't get anything through to me. When she told me something which wasnt important i would take it to heart and react and when it was something important i just closed up and ignored it. She basically turned round to me 3 monts ago and said i can't cope with this anymore and that she needed some time and space. The day she went i gave up the drugs and i have now sorted myself out and she knows that, unfortunetly for me i pushed her away while i was going through cold turkey but she does realise this now. I am sorry that i havent got any advice to give you, all i can suggest is that you become a listener and swallow your pride, if you have an argument and it isnt particulary important just let her win, let her feel validated and that you respect her opinions. The way i see it now is this yes you might not agree with what she is saying and she doesn't with what your saying but she is entitled to that opinion same as you are to yours, so just drop yours and she will have nothing toi fight against would you rather win the argument or be happy in life and love.

 

Hope this helps and don't put pressure on her and look up reflective listening

 

Head over to the getting back together under breaking up forum you will find many people in similar positions

 

My Posts are

 

Whats wrong with her

Shes got me all wrong

 

maybe you can help me

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