SEX, DRUGS & ROCK AND ROLL

This is my first post and Im not quite sure how to start and I especially want advice from women. When I met my girlfriend of 3yrs all that time ago I was self-confident happy with myself. And I loved her with all my heart for the great person she is good and bad. For 2yrs we were so in love and best friends and we eventually started talking about buying a house together. My friends and me started to experiment with hard drugs cocaine especially. Gradually it changed me I became paranoid, insecure, I lost interest in everything and I became obsessed with my girlfriend to the point of the only thing I looked forward to was seeing her at the end of the day. Gradually this got worse and worse to the point that I started to hurt her and I became very evil and selfish, it got to the point that I phoned her 10 times a day just so she could reassure me and tell me that she loved me and was there for me. Basically I smothered her to the point of suffocation and 2 Days before we were to sign a contract on house she ended it. She said that she needed space and that she loved me but wasnt in love with me (usual crap then). The moment I walk out the door I gave up the coke and I have been to hell and back with going cold turkey and unfortunately I have pushed her away because a part of me was still obsessed with her but another part of me the me before the cocaine could see that I dont need her, I dont need her for my own happiness and that it is unfair to expect her to make me happy. We have talked and we have both agreed that she had to end the relationship to get rid of the coke, But like she knows now the coke is no longer an issue and that Im seeing a shrink to get my old self back. SORRY IF I AM RAMBLING ON BUT I AM SO CONFUSED. She is still in contact with my sister and is the godmother of my 6m niece and they see each other once a week. She has told my sister that she realises now it was the coke and the paranoia. Then the next minute she tells me its over and that she has moved on and that she has changed. This change business really f**ks me off because I can see that she hasnt is she just saying this to protect herself. She is hanging around with her old friends again that she went around with before me when at the time when we were going out she thanked me for taking her away from them. I know these friends are a bad influence on her and I know she isnt stupid but she can be easily led sometimes. She has also set up with another bloke who she is very good friends with and I know for certain that there is nothing going on between the 2 of them, Is he like a rebound friendship because although there is nothing going on between them she sees him as much as she used to see me. To be honest from what I here he has been cutting his own throat by putting pressure on her to go out with him but she still sees him even though he sends her text messages declaring undying love to her. Is it a good sign that she is in a rebound friendship rather than a rebound relationship? The point of all this is that I feel that she hasnt fallen out of love with me but the me on the cocaine because underneath and once again I am that great bloke that she fell in love with. It is just the one minute she has moved on the next is just stay of the cocaine longer so I see your not going to slip back because my heart wouldnt be able to take it, the next minute its do you know how much of my life that stuff has f****d up and then the next its of course we stand a chance of getting better is you sort yourself out. What the hell am I supposed to think. I hope this makes sense and believe me this is the simple version and I know that all I can do is give her space and time to do what she wants to do while I stay of the drugs and become the guy I was for myself and no one else. It is just so messed up she tells me she doesnt want be nice to me because she thinks if shes nice I am going to think everything is going to be alright. I know she is angry with me and herself because she thought she could get me off the coke on her own and couldnt and is having trouble to forgive me totally but she said she has forgiven me 90% (is only time that can heel the other 10%. She tells me that she has sorted herself out but when she speaks to me she is still all mixed up and is almost torn between the girl before I met her and the girl when things were ok between us.

As you can see it is a mess and I dont even know how to clear it up, I love that girl for the person she is (on the coke I couldnt and she is still caught up in that) I love unconditionally and I respect that although I dont agree with how she is going about this I still love her enough to let her make her own deacons. I just feel such a s**t for doing what I did to her and myself and I know if she gave me the chance she would fall in love with me again because I am the MAN. I cant believe I hurt her so much but then I think well it wasnt me and she believes that but I dont think she understands it and to be honest I dont blame her. Most people have said to me just give it time and be patient and stay of the coke and she will come back because she loved you for the person you were and she will see one day when SHE is ready that I am that person again

Any Advice would be helpful especially from women or from people who have been in a similar position where personality-altering drugs were involved. PS I know there is a lot of I this and I that but that is all I have to go on. Because sometimes it is as if she is so hurt by this all that she has built a wall roun it and put it all away or is it that i pushed her away

I am also meeting her later in the month for dinner so things cant be to bad I believe and many others that time is the only answer

Tic Toc We Wait Patiently, Endlessly, Forever.

ANY KIDS OUT THERE DONT TAKE DRUGS BECAUSE THEY MESS UP YOUR LIFE AND ANYONE ELSES WHO LOVES YOU

I also said sorry and made so many promises when high as a kite that now when i need to say sorry and make promises i can keep she doesn't want to know. But she tells me that she can trust me is she just saying that or is it a different kind of trust. She also shouted at me the other day I know it wasnt you but do you know how many promises you broke is it a case of why should she believe me. and i turned round and said exactly, it wasn't me is she finding it differcult to separate the two people i became. I almost feel that she really does love me deep down I have just hurt her ahell of alot and probabbly scared the s**t out of her.

I don't know anyone please help.

You sound very in love with this woman.

Very touching.

If you both truly wish to work things out and start anew. Then you will have to seek out counseling of some sort. Remember you will have to find out if she does in fact desire to do this.

Recovery from such events that you spoke of can be very hard to deal with and move on to the next day. Firstly, realize that nothing can change the past. You have done it and now it is your past. Focus on tomorrow. Seek out ways to better and strengthen yourself. This will empower you and show her that you are really making an effort for the better.

In this case, action will speak louder than words. Take it slow with her and when old bad memories arise change the subject and bring up two good ones. You have enough hard work fixing things than going backwards.

But know this, others have failed in the exact same situation as you and others are going through worse. You will prevail and your love succeed if you act on improving yourself and your love for this woman.

Respect her fears and help her to see the new you. Don't make to many verbal promises, action is the key.

Things will work out for you.