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Thread: How can I marry someone who I don't love?

  1. #1
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    How can I marry someone who I don't love?

    I have known Trevor for almost 2 years now. We became close friends very quickly. I feel that I can be myself around him. He knows everything about me, the bad and the good. He is completely in love with me. His love for me is such that he has sacrified much and would sacrifice more for me. Our communication is excellent. He is romantic, caring, a great listener, responsible, smart, ambitious, funny, and hard working. We have about 29 interests/hobbies in common. He wants to marry me. However, there are some serious problems.

    The biggest one is: I don't love him. We were mutually infatuated with each other for about 2 months, after having been good friends for 2 months. In the following months, he broke my trust in 2 ways: one, by unexpectedly losing his temper with me over a tiny thing. Two, he lied to me four times and eventually confessed his lies - but not until months later! I think that the opportunity for my falling in love with him was mostly killed as I lost trust in him.

    He knows this, and wants us to work on building trust up again between us, which could be possible. He confessed 3 of the lies without having been caught, and they all relate to a specific area of his life where he understandably felt embarrassed by the truth, so it was very difficult for him to share those things with me. All of the lies relate to things in his past. If he would have told me the truth in the beginning, I would not have been bothered by it; I was bothered only because he lied (not because of what he lied about). (Hope that makes sense - I don't want to give too many details or I will be writing a novel here.)

    My parents like him, but they basically mostly like him because they are sadly focused on status, and he is currently attending one of the top law schools in the US. Practically, though, that does mean that he would be a good provider, and that we would have a stable financial future.

    He wants to plan his life and his career around being married to me. He is currently on the East Coast (moved there for school in August 02) and I am on the West Coast. We talk on the phone almost every day, and send frequent e-mails.

    I am getting older (I am 26) and I do want to be married in the next couple of years. I am not afraid of commitment, but I am terrified of commitment to this particular person. The love that he feels for me is not to be taken lightly, and there is always the tension between us of unequal feelings towards each other.

    This relationship has been very much on and off. I have tried many times to break up with him, but I feel empty without him, and always end up calling him. It is selfish in a way, because it is his friendship that I want the most, but I can't have only friendship from him; he doesn't see me that way.

    I have told him that there is a very small chance that it will work out between us. I am very hard on him.

    A few people who don't know him or me very well have commented that I am investing all of my emotional energy in one person. This is not the case; I have many friends. However, he cares about me as deeply as my family does, and I don't experience that with my other friends, even the close ones. He insisted on driving me to the doctor's office and waiting with me in the waiting room when I had a ruptured cyst. He told me to go to sleep when I was really tired and needed to type out an outline from my handwritten notes, and he stayed up and typed out the outline for me, even though he was really tired, too. He picked me up from work when I had a blister on my foot and drove me to my car (parked a 20-minute walk away). How am I supposed to let someone like this go? But how could I marry someone who I don't love?

  2. #2
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    Realistic...

    Hmmm... lets look at all of this.

    No love

    No trust

    Good future husband

    No love

    He adores/love you

    No love

    I think you know your answer. Don't ruin both of your lives. Be considerate. If you engage with a marriage with this man you will only be hurting and lying to yourself and him. I noticed that you said something about him getting upset over some "small thing".

    There is no such thing as a small thing in a relationship. Remember your actions and words have different effects on others. But either way, please don't ruin your lives together. If you really care about him, let him go and hold stern to your decision. You have to be strong and not call him for a momentary fix of love.

    I'm sure you'll do the right thing.

  3. #3
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    Your own words...

    "I don't love him."

    "opportunity for my falling in love with him was mostly killed as I lost trust in him."

    "I am very hard on him."

    "how could I marry someone who I don't love?"

    "there is always the tension between us of unequal feelings towards each other."

    -and then-

    "I feel that I can be myself around him."

    "He knows everything about me, the bad and the good."

    "Our communication is excellent."

    "He is romantic, caring, a great listener, responsible, smart, ambitious, funny, and hard working."

    "My parents like him"

    "We talk on the phone almost every day, and send frequent e-mails."

    "I have tried many times to break up with him, but I feel empty without him, and always end up calling him."

    "I have told him that there is a very small chance that it will work out between us." (big yikes if you don't want to be with him, all he hears is "work out between us"!)

    "he cares about me as deeply as my family does, and I don't experience that with my other friends, even the close ones."

    "How am I supposed to let someone like this go?"


    The last two things should answer your own questions. If you honestly do care about him and you care about his well being you have to let him go find someone who appreciates what he has to offer. From what you have told me you are setting yourself up for heartache BIG TIME if you manage to get him to the point that he quits trying or doesn't want to try anymore. Look at it this way, if he gets another girlfriend is she going to understand yours and his friendship? Is she going to allow him to spend the type of time with you as he has in the past? Is he going to want to spend that time with you? If him getting another girlfriend would set your mind at ease then I think you should let him know that there is NO CHANCE that you two will get together. Don't be vague, be real. Tell him the truth if you ever cared about him. You owe him that. You pointed out his good traits to us here on this forum. From what you have said he sounds like he is wonderful. But, there has to be that "animal attraction" between you two before things can really click. Perhaps you know him too well and it's ruining that part of it for you... By all means DO NOT be selfish and keep him around simply because he is a good catch. If you keep him for that reason he will resent you for it later. No joke.

  4. #4
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    thank you

    thank you, both of you. I know that you are right. I am so weak about not calling him after I tell him it won't work out. I do care about him and have tried many times to let him go, because I know that it would be better for him in the long run if I did. I really appreciate your perspectives and your encouragement to let him go.

    nice reading between the lines on the second post - I did not mention that my physical "animal" attraction to him is not very strong, but yes, you're right, that is also true. It is not fair to him to continue this relationship. thanks again.

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  6. #5
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    I was searching the internet trying to find answers to my problem & I'm glad I found your topic. I'm going through the same thing myself. I was with someone who I know loves me and would do anything for me. I don't think I'll ever find that kind of love again. But he has destroyed my trust by lying about things that are a big issue with me. I love this person but cannot accept his habits because I know they will cause major problems in the future and they are habits he says will not change (alcohol, drug). I feel I can't live with him or without him.


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