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Thread: new POTENTIAL girlfriend problem

  1. #1
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    new POTENTIAL girlfriend problem

    HI everyone, I would appreciate some advice with an issue I am experiencing with a new girl I have been dating. Well, we met about a month ago and things have been going rather well, at least until the last few days. First let me say that she is 24 and I am 28, she is EXTREMELY good looking, a college grad and very smart. However, she has suffered from a bout of depression thru college-her brother did to- and she has never really had a serious boyfriend because she said she likes to be alone alot and some things get on her nerves-to me those are warning signs. Anyway, we do have alot of fun together and last week she invited me to go to NYC with her, we live in ohio, and i went-we flew. We had a really great time friday and most of saturday-couldnt have been better actually, then we went to her old college saturday afternoon for homecoming. While there I started to notice her getting a little quiet and withdrawn, not just towards me but to everyone. Well, we came back to the hotel in NYC, then went out to dinner with some friends and she was even more quiet, the same when we all went to the bar afterwards. In the cab that night she told me about some of her depression issues and that she just gets like that soemtimes-doesnt really know why. Like I said up until then we had the best time ever. Anyway, we flew home the next day, we were both EXTREMELY tired-slept all day-and we emailed each other a couple of times since. Then last night I called her twice on weds. and left a message saying to call me back. Well i didnt hear from her last night but then she called me this morning at 7 am, she left a message saying she has been super busy, got home to late last night to call-which i kinda find hard to believe, and she will be home tonight passing out candy so I should give her a call. My question is she has admitted to me before that she hates guys who are too clingy and call to much etc. and so far i have played it very cool and calm. But i sense where I could get that way if things keep going like they are. I would like to have a relationship with her, in fact we have both said we wont date anyone else, but I dont want her to get the upper hand in this, especially knowing how withdrawn and independent she can be-that would be death lol if i cave in. So one-should I call her tonight, and two how should I play the rest of the week etc. not call her and make her miss me? or what? I hate to play these games but I know sometimes you have to-thanks in advance for any advice you may give.

  2. #2
    Member Shy_Guy's Avatar
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    Firstly, yes call her. As you are already aware, being clingy won't work with her, and this will be a very fine path you need to follow with ther. Being able to balance your care and concern for her, without weighing her down is a difficult proposition. I think it would behoove you to find out as much information as you can regarding depression, and maybe look for support groups of loved ones/spouses/etc of those grappling with this problem. If you're REALLY wanting to be a part of this woman's life, you owe it to her.

    More than anything, be honest and forthright in all your dealings with her, games will never work, in the long run. Lies on top of challenges will send her running for the door in no time flat. I think your maintaining a positive attitude will help tremendously, just as long as it doesn't become condescending.

    Good luck. Sounds like you're asking the right questions, and have her best interests in mind, which is a good thing.

  3. #3
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    When to call

    Call her a couple of times a week. If she seems uncomfortable then back off. It is extreemly important to know your own needs and limits in a relationship and don't try to second guess her. If she is honest enough to let you see her in one of her bad spells, then she will probably let you know with pretty clear signals when to proceed and when to hold off. Some people develop depression after major events like having a baby, graduation and marriage. If you really like her then except that there will be times that you just cannot understand where she is coming from...but be happy in the good times, don't overwhelm her or yourself with thinking about it too much. She will come around when she is ready!

  4. #4
    Member Lightingbird's Avatar
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    Dating...

    Timing is everything.

    Right now seems like a bad time for you to be trying to date her. Yes, she sounds like a good fit for you but something is going on with her.

    Try being her friend, a good one. Try to help her out. Call her and see hows shes doing but leave it at that.

    The truth is she is not ready so don't make that move now.

    If you are nice and loving with her now. When she gets better she will look back at this and think to herself, "wow he was so nice when I was down".

    And the stage will be set.

    Good luck.


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