Quite the perdicament

I too have been involved in a relationship with my boyfriend for (going on) four years now. Funny because at one point, I thought we'd never get past the whole dating thing. He always seemed as if he wanted to maintain a certain amount of emotional distance from me. Doing things like making sure to return things I left in his apartment to me and saying things like, he's not sure what the future will bring for us - all this after he we exchanged I love yous.

I never really pressured him though and continued seeing him because I do love him. Over time, we got much closer, closer to the pont where we were over each others houses for days at a time during the week. We'd exchanged keys, were car pooling to work occasionally and doing all the things a "couple" would probably do.

All the while, he still seemed hesitant to consider marriage but did upgrade his outlook on our future to "something (meaning a relationship with me) he definitely wanted.

I contempleted several times whether or not to jump ship but because things were getting closer and closer, I figured I'd let things be and when he was ready, he'd say so.

Recently, we found out that I was pregnant. To my surprise he was very positive about the situation and he was even discussing plans to rent my house so that I could move in with him. Things seemed to be going so well and I couldn't have been happier.

I then thought that it was (past) time to really confront him about what I wanted for out future. I wrote him a long letter plainly stating that I wanted him to not only be my child's father but also my husband and I reiterated how much I loved him. After a day went by with no response to my letter, I asked if he had received it and he told me yes. He then said that he didn't think I was expecting an answer right then and there and I told him that I wasn't necessarily looking for an answer but surely a response.

He then told me that he would respond so I left it alone. Since then, he hasn't even mentioned the subject. He's called and I've been noticeably distant (I'm not going to press him on it) and I haven't been to his home. He keeps calling talking about everything other than the letter I wrote.

Now I'm confused and scarred because I'm 3 months pregnant and I'm uncertain of what the future holds for me other than a baby. He says with certainty that he will always be there for his child. My question is will he be here for me.

Wow, this is a tough one. Going only on your characterizations of his comments, I'd say that he won't be around. While you haven't given him an ultimatim per se, I think he's feeling cornered. Commitment is obviously exceptionally difficult for him, and the first time you put any real pressure on him to commit, in his mind, he's already started looking for the door. I don't necessarily think that being distant is the right course of action, because basically what you're doing is punishing him for not looking at things the same way you are. I'm not saying that asking him to make that commitment is a bad thing, because if I were in your situation I'd have done the same thing. You need to plan for your and now your baby's future, and he should, if he's any kind of decent guy, understand and respect that.

Pardon the crudity that will undoubtably get censored anyway:

He needs to shit (defficate) or get off the pot........

Thanks for responding...It really does help to hear a guys point of view on this. I agree with you that I shouldn't punish him by distancing myself from him. My intent wasn't really to punish him but it just felt too awkward hearing from him with an obviously important issue on the table. I was afraid that if we spoke for too long, I'd eventually bring it up again. And I don't want to pressure him like that because in my letter, I said that I was just expressing my feelings on where I hoped the relationship would go and that I wasn't presenting him with an ultimatum or trying to rush him into anything. I realize however, that he may have seen it that way though and his lack of response to this point has indirectly given me myanswer. I think he keeps calling and calling because he feels guilty about it.

Right now I'm really trying to focus on how to proceed. For a moment I even questioned if I was ready to raise this baby alone. Yeah he said he'd be there but if he's not with me, he can only be there so much for this child. I've made up in my mind that he's not with me on this, so right now, I'm planning my future for myself and my child. I've spent enough time hoping the plan would include him. If he wants in, he'll say so and since he hasn't, I'll proceed without him.

Yes you have put a stress on him with that letter.

To him as he read that letter, he was still thinking of the child that may have caught him off guard. He may not have the same thoughts of raising the child as you. Sinc you have just assumed that he has shared the same feelings.

Unless you asked him.

Then he comes upon the words of being married and he is instantly feeling trapped and his life changing over night. To him that is quite a bit to swallow. Its really not fair of you. I know how you feel. And I can understand that it is very stressful. But to almost demand that upon him is really harsh.

And I know you don't see it that way.

But to him thats more than likely how he took it. Either way, contact him and tell him your feelings. And find out where is his place as far as the child is concerned. Find out if he is going to be there for you for mental and cost support. Child raising can be very expensive. And then ask of his place with you.

The child is coming thats for sure. But it is far worse to rush into a child for that reason. It could be a very bad step. Hopefully he'll want to work things out with you and start a relationship anew. If not you be strong and raise that child.

But please whatever you do, please don't use the child as a tool to win him back or keep him in your life.

If you do this you will lose.

Ill pray for you. Good luck to you.

Although my intent was just to inform him of how I felt and what my ideal situation includes, I think I scared him off and he only focused on the words that spoke "commitment" that were included in the letter. Funny because I stated in the letter that I didn't want to rush him and that I wasn't presenting an ultimatum. I just wanted to compare thoughts on the issue and I started by giving mine first.

We've since spoken about the letter and his lack of response. I brought it up and he was immediately tense and closed about it. I tried to tell him what I intended to convey in the message but he just seemed defensive saying things like, "I would like the same things you want just not in the coming months and before the baby is born." I was appauled that he thought that was what I meant and kind of hurt because I told him in the letter that I'd rather not have him at all than to have him only because he felt he was trapped in the situation.

But he felt trapped anyway so I guess I should have just left things alone after he said he wanted me to move in. My letter just probably made it seem like I wanted to move even faster. We've since decided that a long-term commitment is what we want just not right now. I said to myself that I'd never bring the subject up again because it made things so tense.

If he ever does pop the question (which right now, like him, i'm not ready for), i'll be the one doing the deciding. And if he doesn't, the decision is still with me to stay or leave.