Husaband's and his Ex Relationship

Hi,

I am posting in hope to get a nutruel point of view. My husband and I are both in our second marriage and have been married almost 11 years. My ex and I since our divorce do not argue at all, and have a daughter together. My husband and his ex have two sons which are a junior and a senior in high school. Together my husband and I have two daughters, thus we truly have his, hers, and ours!!

The reason for this post is that my husband and his ex have had turmoil while they were married and has carried on throughout all these years after the divorce. His ex has done everything and anything to keep the children away although now they are too old for these tactics now. But the ex still to this day puts the children in the middle of everything and I just don't understand.

We have paid child support over and beyond the stated court order, have paid for 100% for braces for both sons, furniture for the boys, and many other things as well. Even still the ex has always implied that we don't pay anything or whatever more we have done is simply not good enough. Every single month she constantly calls (his cell phone she does not have the home number anymore), bickering and yelling about something. The latest is that a car in which the boys share are putting her in a hole in which we are suppose to bail her out. The boys do not have a part time job in helping with the costs of insurance and a car which they share which personally I think it is BS. Oh yes we also gave her a down payment to buy a house a while back only for her to use the money elsewhere and did not purchase the house.

A lot of the stated above many people believe I am a great second wife, but I too have been a single mom and know it can be hard. But I think enough is enough now. To be quiet honest I told my hubby not to give her anything else but court order child support (we had been paying over 400.00 a month more), because it is never enough and we had our own financial issues we could pay instead.

Well recently his ex called so much and left such nasty messages that we changed his cell phone, but she had one of his sons call his office (which is out of state hubby works from home), and got the number within a couple of weeks.

What would your advise be in dealing with her. Hubby has hung up on her throughout the years, erased messages, has told her not to call, has changed his number a couple of times, ect. This has really been a problem more lately because the boys are almost grown and child support is going to cease within 18 months. (College costs ect are not in divorce decree and we will pay them ourselves no more $$ going to her after they are 18).

He sees and talks to his children but until recently (they have their own cell phones), it has been like pulling teeth when contacting them. Meaning hubby had to go through her and it depended how she felt, or she had to get whatever out of her system before ever talking to the boys. I remember her returning presents for birthdays Christmas ect... Only to tell the boys dad has a second family and does not care about us anymore.

For the most part hubby has kept a lot of this from me and our children. I mean the bitterness and guilt his ex puts on him. But for a while she was calling the house and I found out how she still carries on.

Any advise????? (We live in different states so it's not like we are next door). At least that is a positive thing!!!!

Seriously if hubby does not address this soon I feel like going on with my life!!!

Reese

I greatly admire and commend you for not only your willingness to go above and beyond in dealing with this awful situation, but your being to do it with such apparent grace and level-headedness. I'm not sure what the circumstances are that lead to your husband's divorce from his first wife. If it were due to any type of dalliances on his part, then I can understand her bitterness, but only to a certain point. If I were in your situation, these are the things that I would be doing (not necessarily in this order, but I wouldn't waste much time getting them ALL accomplished.

1) See if it's possible to have her phone # blocked from calling whatever number she has access to.

2) Notify her via certified mail that any more abusive phone calls will be dealt with through both the phone company and the legal system (harassment charges, etc). This doesn't mean that you have to follow through with your threats, but if her abuse continues, you WILL need to. The notice to her should be dry, formal and without personal attacks, but should spell out in no uncertain terms the consequences of not accedeing to your request.

3) Arrange if possible, to have a meeting involving you, your husband, his ex-wife, and the two boys (men, at this point). Do your homework, bring financial records of what support/loans/etc you have provided, and a comparison against what was legally required. Show them the discrepancies. You're under NO obligation to show her and the boys your financial health, but just remind them that in addition to the support you are giving them, you have two more children (your daughters) to care for as well. You will need to definitely stress directly to the boys that there is nothing that will ever come between you and them, and you need to point out to them and their mother that you will not allow her to use them as a tool for a) extracting some type of punishment and b) as an excuse for any more financial support for her. If you need to, bring copies of derrogatory messages or voicemails, showing the boys just exactly what she has been doing.

4) Any presents going to the boys should be given out of her presense, to ensure they receive them.

5) If the boys want to drive, then they have to be able to pay for it, themselves. If they have money for cell phones, then obviously talking on the phone is a greater priority than driving. Do NOT give in and pay their way. They are at an age where they need to become self-sufficient and responsible for their own financial obligations, or if they are unwilling to get jobs, they will need to live within their means, which means a lot of walking in this instance.

6) Having done all of this, while it appears to me that your husband to a degree has been trying to act as a shield in this conflict, he needs to do more. He needs to be more forceful in his dealings with her, and his sons. He's allowing her to drive a wedge between you and he, and that is unacceptable. I think maybe you need to express your concern to him, even show him your posting here, and any answers you receive.

7) Any time you have ANY dealings with the ex-wife, if she starts her garbage, do not allow yourselves to drop to her gutter level. Do not get into it with her. Don't attack her, or respond to her. Any response you give will just provide more fuel for her to continue to attack, it's a no-win scenario, so don't be drawn in no matter what. Treat her with the same courtesy you would the cashier at your local supermarket, but nothing more.

Most of all, take a deep breath, count to ten, and always try to remain calm when dealing with her. The goal here is not to become friends, but at least dial the tension back to a point where it's livable.

I wish you the very best of luck in this unenviable and unfortunate circumstance. I'd love to know how all of this turns out.

You are very special woman.

Your husband is very blessed. I say this because not to many women would be willing to do as much as you.

Please don't give up. You went to a level that most relationships never reach. You mentioned that the child support would be ending soon. And one day soon the kids will be completely on their own. Deal with her until then. Kill her with your kindness. Give her what she wants but don't go money happy with her anymore. She is only acting on both you and your husbands emotions.

She has learned how to manipulate you both. Don't block her number. Don't tell her off. Be nice and throw her off. She'll be expecting some conflict or aggression. You've paid your dues, its way to late to give up.

More than likely...

She is bothered about how strong you are with this whole situation. How you are still dealing with her. How you have not let this affect your marriage. I'd be willing to bet she gossips with her friends about you.

Outside shes attacking...

Inside shes hurting...

You've done a good job. This is like a committment and you have not not broken your word. Don't do it now. This will come to an end. You have to see that. But you have to realize, if you let this ruin you marriage. She wins.

And she will love that...

I'll ask that lord to give you more strength and wisdom.

Don't give up.