Life goes on and sometimes gets better

Hey whats up, my name is Nikkiee. This message is more of a boost of confidence letter than a "what do I do" letter. I met this guy named Shaun and with in a couple days, I knew he was the only one I would ever want to be with. We hooked up and we were happily together for just a few months. He always told me how happy I made him and that he couldn't believe he finally found someone who made him feel the way that I did. Then out of completely no where, he told me that he was not ready for a relationship. He said that I did nothing wrong and there wasn't another girl or anything, he just wasn't ready for a relationship because of how many times he has been hurt and he couldn't stand it if for some reason I didn't want him anymore so he had to end it before that had a chance to happen. The worst part about the break up, for me, was that he didn't even mention anything about remaining friends. After balling my eyes for 2 days, I realized that life wasn't worth living if he wasn't apart of it and I was determined to not let him walk out of my life forever. So, I got up the nerve to call him and let him know how much he meant to me. I told him that I was really hurt that he thought I would ever hurt him but that it hurt even more that he didn't mention friendship. He told me that he thought I wouldn't want to be his friend after he had just broken up with me. I corrected him on that and we began to build a beautiful friendship. I made sure that he knew how much I still cared about him, how much he still means to me, and that I would prove to him that I would never do anything to hurt him. He never moved on to another girl and I never moved on to another guy. We are now working on getting back together. I am happier now than I have ever been.

The point of my story is that, if you want someone bad enough, you never give up, but you have to make sure you are not pushing so hard that you push them away. Settle for the friendship if that is all they can handle at the time. If the love was meant to be, trust me, it will be. Good luck to those still in the relationship and keep your head up to the ones having to settle for friendship. And remember "Time heals all wounds". Well, hopefully this letter will help you get him/her back or at least give you some peace of mind. Once again, good luck! ( remember to allow yourself to smile) : )

Much love to all

I wish it were that easy. My girlfriend wanted to just be friends and then as soon as we tried that, we became more again. It happened a second time and we became more than just frineds again. the third time she foud me to be somwhat dependent on her and she got scared and wanted some space from me. Like you, I went to her and told her how much she means to me and she told me to give her space, but like you, I missed her and loved her and had to constantly let her know. She stopped all contact with me at this point. She thought that I was too weak and needy, even though she still loved me. She was torn and my chasing her, chased her right out the door and out of my life. It was heart breaking. She can't even face me. Unlike you, I would love to be just her friend, but what I am willing to settle for, is one final conversation, which she promised me we would eventually have. It's been almost 7 weeks and I still miss her and have had no closure. How do I make her comfortable with me to talk to me like a human being and not like some worthless thing that doesn't deserve to be spoken to or even acknowledged. Time is ticking and it does heal wounds. I'm sure she would be more adept to listening to me now, more than before. I am stronger and more secure of myself and that was the whole problem to start out with. I was too weak and clingy and now I am not, but she no longer gave me that second and third chance to prove it to her. She won't even give me a string to hold onto anymore. I am determined as you are. I have a tattoo which is a symbol for determination and I would love to have the opportunity to talk things over with her, even one last time. She's going away over Christmas and I'd like to speak to her before she goes, so I can set my mind free. What to do> What to do? It's been so long and I can't be as threatening to her as I was before. This is a woman who told me the exact same things your boyfriend told you and gave me those chances as well because she loved me and now I'm in the dark and I am trying so hard to find a way to break down that wall. Which I unfortunately reinforced with time, but time has past. A significant amout in fact. Can I try again? Could it hurt any? I don't give up, like you said.

EyeOfTheTiger#1

Dan

it sounds 2 me like u r having trouble moving onw/ ur life mr.tiger. if she broke up with u, what do u think u can get from her by showing ur neediness? if anything it will scare her further and further away. u have nothing 2 gain by calling her-or contacting her. but u do have alot 2 lose. 1.self-respect. 2. any healing u may have will be gone-u will b starting over. 3. her respect 4 u. 4. any thoughts she may b having about calling u because she misses u will quickly deminish.

i'm sorry u tell it 2 u this way. u don't even hav 2 take my advice. i'm just telling it the way i c it. instead of calling her, why not call a friend, or even write a note that u would send her, but do NOT send the note. throw it away.

here is something else 2 think about....

u need 2 remove anything in your car, house , or anyplace u frequent that reminds u of her. u don't hav 2 throw it away. just put it somewhere that is hard for u 2 get 2. u can heal. just start beleiving u don't need her. i'm sure there are other ladies out there that can fill the void in your heart.

alot of fish n the sea. so go fishing.

like i said, u don't have 2 take my advy. u r your own boss.

good luck

cuteshortnsassy19

Hi Cute, Short and Sassy 19 ,

Your advice is great and I do appreciate it and respect it, for all it is worth. Despite what my ex thinks of my actions towards her at the end, by not respecting her wishes for space, I am a man who is proud. I demonstrated to her that I was weak and needy and could not live without her, and this scared her away. Boy, did she run fast and and far, as if the day before, when she was declaring her infinite feelings for me, no longer had any bearing anymore on her. Her pride stepped in the way and she put her foot down for the last time and all I wanted was ato talk to her, but she believed that all I was capable of doing was crying. She wanted a strong man, not a weak one. Well, that was 7 weeks ago tomorrow and I honestly have come along way,but in order to continue with this journey of mine (with or without her), I need closure and need for her to hear what I have to say. I can not walk away knowing that I was labeled and she told me that if she were to come back to me and give me yet another chance, I would never change. I need her to see me, how I have become without her in my life. I have not stopped living, without her, I just can't understand how I have this reaction from her now, when it was 180 degrees the opposite before. Why the hell can't she face me? What is she so scared of? People who run away like that, usually do not deal with the issues. They just dismiss them and pretend that they don't exist and that includes the person who is left standing there. How could you not feel bad after a while and think of the person you literally deserted and not in the least bit miss him. I do miss her still today, but having this closure is something that has to be done eventually. She even said so herself. When and how will that day come?

EyeOfTheTiger#1

Dan

Hi Tiger Dan!

I've read your posts in these forums for some time. I'm really surprised to find that she is not willing to allow you the time of day-just to give you closure. That just seems like a bunch of crud to me.

Will she not meet you in a public neutral location, like a mall cafe'? Tell her she can bring a friend along with her if she needs security. Tell her to just give you 30 minutes of her time. Try not to sound desperate when you ask her for this, and remember to leave the subject alone if she say's "no". She'll be reminded of what she thought of you before--which is not what you want.

If she agrees, you may want to practice before-hand what you want to tell her. Practice--practice--practice!! Until you know you will have the confidence. Also pre-plan her likely answers or reactions to anything you pose or propose to her. Leave her speechless, but NOT annoyed.

She may find (if you show confidence and self-control) that you are the best man for her.

I would avoid calling her at work when you decide. Call her at home at an hour you don't think she'll be busy. Then call and start off saying, you couldn't help wonder how she is. Broach the subject lightly Dan. Then tell her if she can arrange in her schedule a conveinant time to meet you (at the mall or wherever) you would very much appreciate because you are having trouble leaving things alone without any sort of closure.

Hopefully she is a sweet and caring girl that doesn't want to leave things in tathers, without mending open wounds.

Dan, you sem like such an intelligent and sweet guy. I hope it works out for you. Go get her tiger!!

Holly 1972

Wow Holly, I don't know what to say? You had some very kind words for me. Thank you. I appreciate it. To respond to your response, I have indeed made several attempts. To give you a briefing, she initially just wanted some time to breathe, and hence, have that much needed space from me, at the time. That was seven weeks ago. I was very much in love with her and I was torn, because on the one hand, I wanted to respect her wishes for space, yet, on the hand, I missed and didn't want to lose her, so I made every attempt to win her back again. Before, these attempts were always successful. She realized that she loved me too and missed me and was always willing to give it another shot. However, this last time, she was not willing to bend anymore, or compromise. It was her way and that was the only way. I went to her work the next day and I had tears in my eyes and I told her that I loved her and am now fully aware of the mistakes I had made, however, she told me that she had heard this before and it will not change, so she has to protect herself this time and block me out of her life. I left her work in despair and attempted to call her several times the following day and everytime she told me that she needed to relax and be left alone and will contact me when she is ready. I continued to email her and and write evrything that I felt. In the beginning, she would respond by telling me that she will contact me when she is ready and she knows that we will have that day to talk, but she wants to be sure that when that day comes, I will not beg her to stay and plead for love. She wants strength and indepence and confidence and security in her man and honestly, all that I had dispplayed, was in fact, just the opposite of that. I would wait a week and emil her gain and she would respond that she is not ready yet and to respect her decision. Yet another week passed by and she responded by telling me to just forget it and forget that she exists, because she is in the process of forgetting me. At this point my mother got ill and I called her to let her know. Her mother answered and told me that she doesn't want to speak to me. I was hurt and furious, I emailed her and told her that my mother was ill and she didn't have the decency to even get back to me. She finally responded by telling me that my mother is in her prayers, but she wants nothing to do with me. A week and a half passed by and I actuallu bumped into her and her sister and she pretty much was cold and numb and had supressed, or hidden those feelings and had to run away. I wrote to her the next day, telling her that I am so surprised by her reaction and I need some closure and to please give me that much, because I know I deserve it. No reply, nothing. At this point I waited a few days and my friend wrote her a short letter telling her what I needed, because, she had the nerve to block me from MSN. This was 2 weeks ago exactly and I have yet to get a response from her. She was going to move to South America (where she is born) in January originally, but because of me, she was only going to visit for a month. Now, I know she is leaving in 2 months, and I don't know if it's for good, or not, but I just can't move on like this. She wanted me to respect her, but she never respected me the way she threw me out like yesterdays newspaper and never looked back. It's cold, heartless, and just plain wrong and I am here today, 7 weeks later, a much stronger man, with more confidence than I've ever had and more insight into myself than ever before and I need to let her know this. I just do. She labeled me and ran away and made the assunption that I would never change, but how wrong she was. I am not going to ask her to give me another chance as a girlfriend, but I would like her to give me a chance as a human being, who deserves one. What do you think Holly?

How, when and what do I have to do, to make this finally happen?

EyeOfTheTiger#1

Dan

Hi Again Tiger Dan!

I just read your reply. I really feel for you. You king of touch close to me with your issue, because I am guilty of doing the same thing to my ex. I left him. At first we mutually agreed that we needed a break. It really had little to do with our compatibility. It was more toward financial stress. We both had alot of debts, and it just felt overwhelming to both of us everytime we got the mail.

He was a very loving guy to me. He was very passionate. We rarely argued. If we did, it was never uncontrolled. Sigh. It's really tough for me even now to think about our seperation. I loved (love) him so much!

At first he didn't really call that much. I called him atleast four times a week. I thought I did the wrong thing, telling him I needed a break. And it seemed, He was the strong one. I remember him even saying, "see, I knew we were being drastic". I'm not sure if that's when I decided to stop calling him or what. I just started to get really busy with my life.

My parents were moving out of state, so I helped them. My job was very demanding of my time. And I had a few good friends I wanted to catch up with. Not that I totally forgot about my ex-fiance', but I was genuinely busy.

Then it seemed, quite out of the blue-a week later, he was calling me alot. He seemed very desperate to get back together. The more desperation I heard from him, the more I felt turned off. And soon enough, he was no longer the center of my daily thought.

It's been a month since he's tried contacting me, and I am finding some of it is easier, and some of it is harder. I wonder about him. I worry about him. And I miss him. But do I want him to magically appear at my front door tomarrow? Probably not. I still am not ready to rekindle our relationship. I don't know if it's completely over, but for now I am not ready.

He will always hold a very special place in my heart. And in many many ways, he was the best man I'd ever been matched up with. But I can't help feeling I'm still doing the right thing by leaving it alone for now.

Does he still yearn for me? Maybe. Maybe not. I don't know. It wouldn't change my feeling's regardless. I feel what I feel. But I admit, I am missing him more now than ever before. Perhaps I'll be ready in a month or two. Perhaps when I am it will be too late for me.

So now you have a little insight from the other side (if you will).

===================================

My advice:

Since it seems you almost have nothing to lose and little to gamble with (since you don't really look for a rekindling of sorts),..you might want to send her some flowers with a short note attached, saying something like; "I wanted to catch you before we lose each other forever. You know how to reach me. I'm open to discuss this if you are.

Affectionately Yours,

Dan (your Tiger). "

=====================================

I'm not sure this will work Dan. It may. It may not. You need to make a decision based on your gut, your heart, and your mind. Perhaps if you DO SOMETHING, regardless of the outcome, you will be able to find your own closure because you will know that you have tried.

I wish you well Tiger. It is my pleasure that you have even asked me for my input. Thank you.

Bye for now.

Holly1972

Hi Holly,

Thank you for sharing your personal experience with me. It was extremely helpful to hear the perspective of possible my ex. Our 2 situations are linked to a certain extent. Your breakup was based mostly on financial stress, where as my own, was based upon my insecurity within the relationship. I thnk that her breaking up with me was the hardest thing for her to have to do and it was the last thing that she wanted to do, but I honestly gave her no choice in the matter. I was hurting her by being so doubtful and in a sense, untrustworthy of her love and devotion for me. I don't blame her. She was very supportive and gave me ample ooportunities to toughen up, but these pleads fell on deaf ears. Inevitably, she is out of my life right now and I would not be surprised if she is feeling a long the lines of how you are feeling.

To say that I am not looking for a rekindling of the flame we once had together, would be a damn lie. I love that woman and miss her terribly. I wonder about her all the time and I still live my life, but something has to give. I don't want to sound redundant here, I just feel the need to reiterate these points, which I've repeated over and over again to myself in the last 7 weeks. I wouldn't say that I have nothing left to loose by doing what you suggested I do. Respect is something I claimed to redeem by leaving her alone, but I now have the potential insight into how she must be feeling. I'm sure a sense of relief was ever present, upon my finally leaving her alone and respecting her wishes for space. HOwever, with time, comes curiosity and "if" she is still single and has reaped the benefits of living her life for herself and enjoying her friends, family and freedom and then at the end of the day, when there is something missing inside of her, she can't help but be drawn back to the thoughts of me and us and what we had and how she ultimately deserted me, even though she may still have loved me upon doing so. I am not sure if I should wait it out a couple of more months and prove to myself that I am determined and proud enough not to go crawling back to her. Remember Holly, she lost her respect for me, for a reason and I don't want to give her more of a reason to want to stay away. I have never been dealt with such an intricate and complicated dilemma as this. I am torn and still confused as time passes by. Even more so now, then before. I just wonder waht's in her mind and what she's going through.

Holly, you have regrets now and you feel a sense of guilt for your actions, because you are worried about him. I can't help but feel that behind her wall, she must be feeling the same thing. I can't let her leave the Country over Christmas/New Year, without reaching out and seeing for myself what time has done and wounds it has healed. Do I surprise her and visit her at her work before she leaves (her birthday is on Dec.21), or do I write again, or have a friend or family member write her on my behalf? Do I call, even though she made it clear a month ago that she did not want me to do such? How, when and what Holly? You are my insight right now, because you are walking more or less in her shoes and I more or less in your ex's. If I would have left her, or demanded my space and if he would have doone this with you, it would be them on this chat, not us.

Your reply would be greatly appreciated once again. I write a lot, because I am a very passionate man. Thanks Holly.

EyeOfTheTiger#1

Danimal