Gaining Respect

I have had a recent dating experience that i'd like to share.

I met a girl through a friend who was really attracted to me and was really atttracted to her. I knew she had a boyfriend of 5 years or so and was a little bemused at how much she was flirting with me. We went out with friends and she would spend every second with me and hug me all the time etc. She invited me to her 21st even though her boyfriend was there and of course we didn't flirt. A couple of weeks later i saw her again and we were pretty much kissing but not passionately. She asked me to send her an email so i did. She got my number off a friend and called me.

For the next 4 weeks we spoke several times a day usually for a couple of hours. She would tell me how different i was, how she couldn't get me out of her head. She even called her boyfriend by my name accidently. The conversations drifted more and more towards sex. I went out on a date with another girl and she was upset but she had a boyfriend so i though i was doing nothing wrong. She told me that she was going to kiss me until i told her that. We still continued to talk all the time and a week later we had sex after a party. She saw her boyfriend the next day and she couldn't look him in the eye. He said to her that something was wrong and they should take a break for a while. We started seeing each other a lot and had a lot of sex. I had told her when we met that i was going overseas in about 4 months but only for a couple of months. This really seemed to bother her and she was worried about getting attached to me before i left. I was really starting to fall for her and i told her that if we were together that i wouldn't cheat on her. She said she didn't want to deprive me of the experience of going overseas and meeting people.

One night she was a real bitch to me on the phone saying that she had me wrapped around my little finger and i was easy. She called me the next day and apologised and told me to disregard what she had said, i told her that there must be some truth in what she said or she wouldn't have said it. She said her reasoning was that she didn't want to get attached to me and was trying to distance herself from me. She even forwarded me emails she had sent to her best friend about me saying she didn't know what to do because i was going overseas and she more than just liked me. After i read this i was hooked on her and thought she was the one.

A couple of weeks after this she stopped calling as often and would break plans we had made. I said we should cool things off for a bit and she agreed. At this stage i thought i had made huge mistake and turned into a desparate mess. She said that things were getting to serious and she had just come out of a relationship and she needed time to herself and be happy with herself.

A couple of months passed during which we still spoke regularly but i was now the one doing all the chasing. She would be cold towards me then affectionate and still cuddle me and stuff. She is now really good friends with my best friend and he is now a lot closer to her than i am. They were friends while we were together which i had no problem with but she always calls him and on a couple of occasions he has slept in her bed. She has also had other male friends sleep in her bed lately to. She says its all platonic and i don't think she has slept with my best friend but it makes me uncomfortable. She cuddles up to him also now. I don't think she is a slut as she has only slept with 4 guys but she is very flirtatious.

Anyway i continued to call her and chase her like an idiot and she basically treated me like a loser. Never returned calls, emails say we'd go to the movies or whatever and always cancel. I've just decided to stop all contact with her and feel much better about myself. Its hard though with her being friends with my best friend. I've also decided not to keep in contact with him as much either as he should also have more respect.

A part of me still wants her though and i feel that i lost an opportunity with her now.

Any comments appreciated and i hope other people can learn from my experience.

Unfortunately, you didn't see trouble on the way. I would suggest that in the future you stay clear of any woman that is already spoken for. If She'll cheat on him, she'll cheat on you as well. Thinking we are the exception to the rule is both arrogant, and naieve.

Before I begain a realationship with a woamn, I try to find out if they EVER cheated on any of their boyfriends. If they say "Yes", I usually move on. To me it's not woth losing your heart when you can prevent it. You can prevent iot best by finding a suitable partner.

I hope you have learned a lesson out of all this. I'm sorry you got hurt, but I knew immediately what the outcome was going to be before I even read it. You described her without knowing it. She's not loyal...PERIOD!

Move on. Be selective this time so you don't earn the title of being "Easy."

Take Care/Godspeed! 8)

grneyedscotsman

Good point grneyedscotsman...

You have picked up on her actions as far as her cheating on her mate. People often act out on their "life actions".

Meaning the behavior that have done all their lives. And most likely, will continue to do so unless something major occurs in their life.

But I applaud you on your decision to cut all ties. That was a excellent move on you.

Unlucky, I think you've certainly made the right decision in forgetting about this woman. It sounds like she's very immature and needs to do some growing up and learning on her part. It's too bad you got caught in her "relationship experimentation".

...However....

scotsman and lighting have touched on something that, at this point in my life, I have to dispute.

There was a time when I would have totally agreed with "once a cheater, always a cheater". And I think there was another post by scots that mentioned asking a potential mate up front if she/he had ever cheated, and if the answer was yes, he'd not pursue it any further.

I'll admit there was a brief time in my life in which I cheated in a committed relationship. It was a huge mistake, it was totally out of character for me, and long story short, several years later (and much therapy) I still feel the guilt. BUT, I have learned and grown and matured so much that I know that would never happen again.

With much effort, I now have the tools to make a relationship work, and am confident that the events that lead up to my cheating the first (and only) time will not be repeated. I know how to deal with relationship issues now.

I'm not at all defending the woman who hurt the initial poster in the least. My point is that people CAN change, CAN learn from their mistakes and CAN improve their lives. It takes work and blood and sweat and tears, but it's possible.

Hang in there Unlucky. Not all women are bad.

I just want to say how impressed I am with you; you definitely did the right thing, and I know how hard it must be not to call her and stuff. So you should feel very proud of yourself for not allowing her to manipulate you. She doesn't sound very good, and I think that you should be glad you got away when you did!