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Thread: Confused

  1. #1
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    Confused

    Sorry for the following stupid question...

    i'm 27 yrs old, in a relationship w/c i think is emotionally abusive but am not sure after 6yrs being w/my boyfriend. whenever we argue, he shouts at me--in private. when we are in public and i meet some of my old friends and officemates, he acts as if he is very annoyed and his tone of voice changes to the worse. he says he supports my work and hobbies but doesn't act like it. he bought me my first camera but didn't want to stay long in my first photo exhibit, he even wanted me to go home / out with him even when the exhibit opening event wasn't over. i chose a sport which he says takes my time away from him. he also said that anything and anyone that takes me away from him or from our time together he doesn't like. when we argue, i am always wrong and nothing i say is right-- there is no win-win situation for him.

    thing is, it wasn't like this during our first 3-4years together. he is very supportive to me and my family, providing free legal support to my immediate family when they needed it. he was always there when i was depressed because of work, when there's a death in the family/close friends, etc.

    i know he's a good man but i'm confused with his jekyll and hyde attitude. i used to think i would marry him but then the picture started to get blurry.

    i have cheated on my bf twice. both affairs were quite long, i.e. the first one lasted 2yrs, the second was a about 10months.

    i don't know if i want to work things out, get the two of us into counselling (which i know he will oppose), or just cut clean.

    i am in a bind though: he's currently providing free legal support to my immediate relative who got into a brush with the law.

    anyone with a similar experience or anyone who wants to give constructive comments, please tell me what you did and what actions you took.

    thanks!

  2. #2
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    I'd say you are not confused at all---in posting to this forum you are reaching out and I say trust your instincts! If you feel intimidated you are being abused. It is amazing how society believes that if a woman is not battered she is not abused! I am going thorough an extremely difficult time right now and do not know where to turn. My estranged husband is using my kids to keep me under control and although he has never hit me, either--I can tell you I feel extremely abused! And intimidated. And powerless. And afraid. If this is not abuse what is it?
    I have been with this man for over 20 years---I have absolutely NO training in counselling, but from my own experience, I would suggest you do what your instincts are telling yo to do---get out! Everyone deserves to be happy and everyone deserves to be respected. Good liuck and I hope this helps!

  3. #3
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    There some such cases where the guy is extremely possessive of the girl so much so that he would hate anything that takes her away. That shows how much he loves her (the bad part is being obsessed). If talking to him has not helped in the last 6 yrs there is very little chance that now it will. You can look for counselling and see if it helps, otherwise you might have to let go. But either way please please dont cheat on him. Its not fair. You have had 2 affairs already....instead frankly tell your husband that you want out of the relationship and once you are separated you are free to have another guy in your life. Thats a much better way than having secret affairs. Believe me it hurts a lot to have someone cheating on you.

    I would recommend you both to sit down and have an honest , heart-to-heart talk about where your relationship is going and if it is possible to improve it. Else end it and move on.
    All the very best !

  4. #4
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    a bit of advice

    Well, your boyfriend sounds a bit like me,except I'm a woman! But I am like that with my boyfriend-I get angry when he plays football because I feel he should want to spend all his time with me if he loved me. And I find it hard to let him win an argument- I don't know if that's because I'm right or I'm just stubborn. It doesn't mean I'm abusing him because it's not like I'm on a power trip, I love him with all my heart. And I'm becoming more secure thanks to him being so loving and supportive. If you love him, you've got to make compromises - yes-he shouldn't treat you like that, but understand that he maybe can't help it and it doesn't mean he's trying to hurt you, it's probably something he hates about himself. If you want to help him to change, cheating won't help - you need to make him feel more loved and secure, but in return, he should be willing to accept his faults too and go for counselling. If he won't compromise, then you've gotta rethink if he loves you as much as he says he does.

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  6. #5
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    cheater

    you cheated twice???its you with the problem...and how can you win,you cheated?theres no excuse or reason or anything you can use to justify
    that.spare the guy a heartache,and make it right or kick rocks!!!!!!

  7. #6
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    I thiink that you are in a destructive relationship, and you are aware fo this, but it is scary to admit. I dont think that your bf has any right to tell you what you cannot do and furthermore, actions speak louder than words and he does not sound very suuportive in your hobbies. He doesn't like anything that takes time away from you and him? Uh, well, wouldn't that be...EVERYTHING? That is not fair to you. If you hav had two rather long affairs while with this man, that is a definate clue that you are not for eachother and things will not work out. If you were meant to be together, you would devote your heart entirely to him. My suggestion to you is to cut clean altoether other wise he will continue to hurt you and end up controlling you. The situation reagrding the leal advice, it is really up to you if you want to wait til everything is settled before you break up or not. I think doing that will only cause more pain, but free legal help is hard to come by. Personally, I would go with being upfront and honest right away regardless of the legal help. But I just want you to know that i understand either way.. good luck with everything...

  8. #7
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    A good thing to keep in mind, in any relationship, is that you can't bank on it changing, at least not for the better. That's not to say it won't, they quite often do, but don't bet on it. If you're not happy now, and he doesn't care enough about that now to do something about it, then your decision's made.

    The only tough call you'll have to make is whether to leave him now, or wait until his legal services are no longer needed.

  9. #8
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    trust your instincts and get the heck out


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