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Thread: The Wedding That Went To Hell

  1. #1
    Join Date
    Jul 2002

    The Wedding That Went To Hell

    Well, I really don't know where to begin. I don't even know if I am looking for advice at this point. All I know is that in one hour, my fiance will arrive home. She will be misserable, and I will either do one of two things. 1. Hide, watch TV, read a book, go out, something or 2. Talk to her now about what is happening to us, and why we can't get married.

    I am 30 years old, when I met my fiance I was 27. I was on vacation on the other side of the country and staying at some friends of the family. They had a student boarder from a foreign country staying there. I spent a couple of days with her, we got along really well, and we stayed in touch for a while after that.

    About six months later, she decided to visit me in my hometown. She stayed for a week, and on the second or third day, while we were watching TV, she grabbed me, kissed me, and from there we were intimate. When she left back to her home country at the end of the week, it was very difficult for either of us to leave each other. For months we stayed in touch.

    A few months later she returned for another week. This visit was a lot different. I think she got a lot out of it, but looking back at it, and I actually remember at the time thinking this, it was getting a little eerie. We were intimate a couple of times this time. She is a little homely, but cute, but still has a bit of a weight problem. Very clear complection, good teeth, doesn't like the taste of mint, so there's sometimes a breath issue. I'm getting really detailed here. I'll stop.

    The weird part of this trip, I was lying next to her, and she was asleep. I could tell by her breathing, or so I thought. I looked at her, and very very quietly whispered "I love you." She darted up and kissed me like she had been waiting for it. That freaked me a little. I don't know about anyone else, but I felt a need to "try it". I wasn't necessarily meaning it at the time.

    The reason that's important is because after that, the words I love you, were used pretty easily, and how it came out was just not the way I thought it would have.

    Let's skip a little, so she decides she's going to move to here. She wants to, not necessarily for me, she has always wanted to. So, I'm game, she moves in with me. I think that might have been the first mistake. We had assumed that because of the time we had spent off and on, we could skip the formal dating and go to living together. Big mistake.

    We're very different. I believe in having a good time in life. I make pretty good money, and I believe in using it as you need to or want to. Yes, I do have savings, but it is not my life's energy. My life's energy is enjoying what is out there. As well, I am very social and active in sports, which (as I mentioned the weight thing) is not. She believes in totally saving her money and we'll get more into that in a bit.

    So, we live together for a couple of years. I haven't really been looking, but there really hasn't been any opportunity either, that anyone else is going to sweep me off my feet. I figured it was fate, a sign, she was the one. I was very comfortable with her, my family got along with her, things were good. We hardly ever had sex, as I really am not that physically attracted to her. And it's more than just the physical. Her whole attitude is that of a kind of big, doesn't really want to exercise or anything, just eat, person... not my real deal. I'm open minded, and I've dated different people, different types, but I do take care of my body.

    So, now I'm at the point where I figure we might as well go the next step. I'm 30 now, so I figure I'm ready, and my mom approves, so I ask her to marry me. She says yes, it was a really nice night.

    Her parents come from the foreign country to meet me. We get along, everything's fine. We're three months away from the wedding.

    We had always had some differences. She wanted me to quit going out and partying with friends (which comes naturally when you're involved in outdoor group activities, I'm sorry) and I told her that wasn't going to happen. She accepted it. She wanted me to give my paycheque to her and she would give me an allowance. I was totally against that, but this was one that I gave into, and said once we were married, we would work something out with that. Basically, I put it off, bad idea again. She is also a clean freak, whereas I am not really so much. I'm not a slob, but I don't go dusting every minute of the day. Then there was the big thing she wanted changed, my mother. My mom lives fairly close to me, and has been the only family in my life. My dad left when I wasn't even born. Lately, because of the wedding plans, I have been seeing her about once a week, but usually I see her about 2 or 3 times a month, usually on a Sunday. It's usually 3 times a month, and I'll take a weekend off. Nothing big, just go there for dinner. For some reason, she doesn't like my mom. My mom drives me crazy sometimes with her old style opinions and the way she deals with things, but I realize that's just a generation gap. For the most part, except when I'm really stressed with things, I have a good relationship with her. I wouldn't have met the girl I am with if it wasn't for her, and we wouldn't be getting married if it wasn't for her.

    She wants to cut out visits to once or twice a month, but that's really not what bothers me about it. She's constantly bad mouthing my mom behind her back, and it's starting to piss me off.

    So, the fiance. The last couple of weeks, I have been getting a little depressed and actually have been more of a slob than usual. I wasn't bathing every day, I wasn't picking up after myself, and just generally not caring about too much.

    I know now what it is. This relationship, from the start, has been out of my control. I've just followed. I've had a little input, but it's mostly been her and my mom. Thing is, here's where I make headlines at least in two countries. If I call off this wedding, everything has been done for it. Trips have been booked, halls have been rented, we're talking a lot of money. I can afford to pay it back slowly, and my mom can afford to take it back slowly, but I know I'm going to have to deal with all kinds of crap.

    What I'm really trying to figure out is, I have all of these reasons for leaving, why do I want to stay? I mean, there has to be some sort of balance. I guess I will miss her. When I wake up in the mornings, I always like her next to me, cuz when she sleeps she can't be depressed, I guess. She is a little depressing, did I mention that? She whines and complains about things that are totally out of her control.

    Boy, this is not easy. Is anyone still reading? I do miss the idea of getting married, and I had fantasized in many ways how we would be togehter and have a family. Except we can't have a family until she feels that her career is where she wants it (a few years)... and I want one soon. But then again, if I break up, I'm going to have to go through the dating scene again, and by the time, and if, I meet someone, and ever settle down, that could be years too before we're ready for kids.

    I know no one is reading anymore, so I'm almost analyzing my own writing here. I really don't want to hurt her. I don't know how that can be avoided at this time.

    The thing is, I really don't know how I am going to have this conversation, my main problem is I'm a coward for emotional confrontation.

    So, if anyone is still there, shoot me.

  2. #2
    Join Date
    Jul 2002

    The continuation, and some more details

    I re read what I wrote. Realize there was no editting in that last shpiel, I was saying it as it came out of my head. Needed to clear a couple of things up, and continue what happened tonight.

    Regarding the intimacy, the main problem I have with intimacy is, like I said, she's not huge or anything but she doesn't even act or dress in a really feminin manner. And the sex, well, it's been a little boring from the start. She is not really into sex, and our sessions are usually as quick as can be.

    Regarding the mother. I forgot to mention that the fiance is holding a hostage note to my head about having kids. We dump the mother totally (which I can't believe, but she is pretty adament) and have our own family. There has also been the threat of moving to the foreign country, which I have said from day one, I can not do. I told her when we started, if she was moving here just for me, it would never work. That's why I would never marry her for immigrant status, I waited until after she got it.

    So, catch up time, tonight, what happens...

    We really didn't talk much to start, I had almost come to a very cowardly decision that I might want a friend of ours there to help mediate. He was actually the only one that knew both sides of the story, and was keeping his mouth sealed on both. It was a stupid, desperate idea, to help with some of the emotional stuff. You know how when things get too emotional you tend to start saying things sometimes, just to calm things down. The end result is nothing gets resolved.

    So, about an hour ago, before I was going to bed, she mentioned something about my mother. I told her we needed to talk, and we got into it a bit. Basically, I told her a lot of my feelings, she told me hers, again. I told her it sounded like neither of us wanted to get married, and then she threw the old guilt curve ball in, which threw me for a loop. The quote was something to the effect, "I can't end this now, I have made my decision, but if you want to, then we will..." and the tears started.

    I left it at, "Don't worry, we'll figure something out." and she's off to bed. I don't know, maybe these feelings are just fear of marriage. My first letter made it sound like I was really bad mouthing her, but she is a wonderful person.

    We will see... if anyone wants to comment in the meantime... I really could use a life perserver here.

  3. #3
    Join Date
    Jul 2002


    Don't get married. Its better to end this before the wedding, than to be married and have to get a divorce in a couple of years. Its not going to get better with marriage. Just work out a way to pay the bills back. And you will save more money by not going through with it than if you were going to go through with it.

  4. #4
    Join Date
    Oct 2002
    my friend, please DO NOT marry this girl. Any person who wants to draw you away from your family is trouble. Your MOM is your MOM, and always will be, get out now!!! It won't be easy, but you will be happier for it. Then, please, get some counselling, as you need to sort out why you chose to have someone manipulate you for so long. Get married when the girl knocks you so hard off your feet you can' think or speak, not because you are 30 and it's time. Good Luck!!!
    By the way, I am a 32 year old girl too, and I say GET OUT!!!

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